My 21st Birthday

Dad's been 'nagging' again about my 21st birthday - to throw a big party, invite all my frens, tell them it's my 21st bday, so that they'll bring gifts come. -.-"" ... I know he just wants me to be happy and do smth special for me, coz as everyone knows, 21st bday is supposed to be "special" (by dunno whose standards/trend-setter), and I appreciate his heart ^.^ ... ... but that's NOT what I want. I don't want pple to come becoz they are obligated; I don't want pple to give gifts becoz they are supposed to; I especially don't want them to buy things that don't has no value to me.

What I really really want for my birthday this year is to feel truly loved/appreciated and affirmed. That's simply it. Although I may love to spend time with various close ones, but that's not really my wish this birthday. I don't want to plan anything for myself either. It's tiring for the past 2-3years to plan my own bday. Started planning my own becoz I got tired of waiting for smth interesting/smth special to happen on my bday. Always waiting for a nice surprise! but to be disappointed, so started planning such tat none of my bday will pass me without smth to be happy about. Then realised, yes I'm happy, but it becomes a lil meaningless coz it's so short-lived.

This year, I want smth different. So I'm not planning anything; I'm not doing anything for myself. What happens happen. :) If frens want to celebrate my bday, okay. If they want to spend time with me, alright. :) But I don't want no mass party where I have so many different grps of frens and the dilemma of splitting myself, feeling torned & busy hospitaliting, then end up my energy all sapped. I'm not a big group person, though I love my frens. I rather spend quality time wif them than mash them up together and sent to me in a lump.

When explaining to my dad some of the reasons why I don't like his plan, I mentioned about the presents part. Somehow, I'm less appreciative of presents that are bought, unless it's really something that I want/need and the giver buys it with that knowledge. If pple are buying for the sake of bringing a gift out of courtesy, to be honest, I would rather they not give me a gift. :) Ever told a fren, your presence is enough present for me, and I mean it.

The kind of presents I really really REALLY would like to have though, is one that comes from the heart and really shows sincerity/genuine-ness. Such as something that is specially made/specially personalized (which is probably the reason why I hand-made most of my gifts thru the years). But that doesn't mean that bought gifts don't show sincerity...

I will never forget a gift that was so valuable to me, though it was bought. It was the TABOO game that was given on my 17th Bday by my besties, who collaborated with my other sec sch grp to buy this game that I really liked and hinted to them, not expecting them to buy it coz at that time, it was quite expensive for us as students. The effort they took and the sacrifice they made then, made the bought gift valuable. Was sooooo sad when I lost it. :"(


Anyways, there's nth much I really really want this year, except to feel affirmed and loved. Looking back over the months and years, I feel I've done so much and given so much; yet I felt as if I've never done anything and have given nothing. I see no fruits of my labour. I see little change in anything I thot I've given myself to. There's the weariness and consideration if I've contributed anything to this world at all.

I remember in civics education in sec2, when I was first exposed to the concept of "self-esteem". Teenagers are said, by my teacher, to go thru a period where we seek to find our identity and struggle with our "self-esteem". Then he goes about telling us how to improve our self-esteem, or sth like tat, I can't rmb. I only remember that I was thinking to myself: I like myself; I'm good; I know who I am and I am confident in myself, a creation of God, loved my God. I wasn't in love with myself nor like myself superb a lot, but I was fine with myself and thot nothing will shake my self-esteem becoz I know my position in God.

But was it my JC years? With all that I went thru as years went by, my self-esteem crashed. I became skeptical of myself, my actions, my intentions, my secret/sub-conscious intentions, my friendships. I started to doubt myself and the friendships around me. Are people friends with me becoz they are too polite to reject me but secretly don't like me that much?

What I really want to receive this birthday is affirmation of who I really am to those around me, and to know that pple truly care and love me for who I am, even with my shortcomings. That I'm not an irritating, leeching person, and that I'm not a person that just passes thru their lives.

I just want to know that I genuinely mean something to someone, and to know what pple who I've spent soooo much time with really think about me.

I've received one so far already; thanks Jas! :) It meant so much that I was nearly moved to tears and have decided to keep that in my planner, to take it out to read and encourage/affirm myself whenever I'm all negative about myself again. That's what I want, more than receiving anything now.