Yes, God may have redeemed me and renewed me at camp, but it was NEVER said that after that it will always be smooth sailing. No. rather, as one moves closer and closer to God, the more hurdles the devil throws to deter that person. This is saying from personal experience.
(So friends out there who are facing real hard times.. rejoice instead! becoz this means your relationship with God is getting better, and thus the devil is getting scared out of his wits, so he is using whatever he can to throw at you!)
anyways, confession. 2 hard hurdles really hit me hard these past few days. Friday, and today.
Friday, an explosion took place at home with dad shouting hurting words, not really directly to me, but to my bro, but enough for me to get worked out too. okay, a few did get to me. his accussations, his hurtful words... it got me real real mad. it got me boiling. but i kept telling myself.. "patience... patience..."
i was brought back to the past, to the 'old' me, to the me before camp, to those hurtful times when my dad's actions, words hurt me a lot. i bore my emotions within again, and this caused frustration such that i could not do anything else the rest of the night. his explosion caused the entire family to be unhapppy and impatient with one another. i dont like that.
But i thank God. Firstly, that when those emotions came, i chose to immediately pray and surrender to God. I thank God that even though i really struggled with the hurts and sorrows that night, chains that God has broken back in camp, before i slept, his peace came, and the burden was lifted. Hallelujah!
Today. i struggled. it's kinda personal, so i wont explain what happened in the morning. dont worry, it's NOT serious. but being so accustomed throughout this entire year, i went into default mode. dint know what to do, how to react, felt awkward... i went to default mode - run and hide. i escaped to my quiet corner i found in church, where i spent undisturbed time with the Lord. and i retreated there and confessed my feelings and fears to Him, then did my devotion. i felt fear, guilt, regret. i dint know how to face some people that morning, so i went away and hid. cowardice of me! nostalgic regrets also taunted me.
But, praise the Lord! i managed to push aside those thoughts and negative emotions, that he removed those feelings, that i was able to focus on Him throughout the service, and his peace reigned in me again. Also, the second time, i dint run but did what my heart commanded me, and i dint have to regret again today. Hallelujah!!
It aint gonna be easy when hurdles come our way, even after God has spoken to us and touched us. But when we choose to stay committed to our decisions, faithful to God, and persevere in keeping our choice to surrender and not turn back, God will be there to help. God has and is always with us. Praise the Lord for His help and His strength! Praise the Lord that i so far did not turn back, after putting my hand to the plow. HALLELUJAH!!!
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