'Kristen' - the character i'm playing in Drama Night 2009
[come and you'll understand what i'll be writing]
Mr Seah was talking to me about acting the character Kristen ytd. As he was going on about how different Kristen and I was, but that's why it's a good challenge of acting it out.., he dint know what was churning in my mind. he dint know the reason why i hate kristen so much is becoz of the guts and freedom she has. he dint know how similiar i was to kristen.
fear, sadness, self-pity, anger, rage, frustration, loneliness... these are not uncommon emotions for me. but the real difference between me and kristen is that she let it out, lashed it out on ted. i dont. i suppress it. i control it. i keep it in. i dont express it. i dont have anyone to lash it out nor do i let myself lash it out even if i'm by myself. that's why i'm very very uncomfortable initially with kristen, becoz to really be in character, i have to do what i've been all my life trying not to do.
the thoughts of death crossed my mind before, and i wont say it's seldom, nor would i say it's often, but it's always easily suppressable becoz i would think of people i know, people i love (but giving up on relationships now... i dont know how long i will really last. at least i still have my biological family and my family in Christ).
the statements like, "why do you care?", "I know how busy you must be, so i'm sorry for wasting your time", "you're probably like everyone else...", "i just dont care anymore"... these are commonly spoken in my mind.
like kristen i've been trying to find someone to talk to, someone who really cares. and like kristen, i dont just go for the words (and actions) but the tone behind it, i read beyond the words and i wont easily believe when you say you care. okay, maybe not to the extreme of kristen sometiems..
i DON'T like acting as kristen becoz it's bringing out the emotions i'm trying hard to suppress. It's releasing the gates of the prison where these emotions are kept under tight supervision and security, much more secured than the prison of which Mas Selamat escaped from.
tat's probably the main reason why every rehearsal, fun most may be, leaves me very tired when i've gone home. not becoz the hours are very long or physically strainous, but rather, it's emotionally tiring. So emotional tiring that i can do little after rehearsal when i'm back home. homework have to more or less be left to the early hours of the morning to finish.
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and seriously...
Mr Seah SHOULDNT have pushed it. He shouldnt. He really unleashed open the gates of those ill emotions... those dangerous wild-raging emotions that if not handled and locked up properly can cause much trouble, can cause much chaos.
i cant scream seriously. i just cant. it proves it all. when i'm scared, terrified, the more i keep silent. my reaction to that is shut up, run away. that's why i cant scream. no matter what you make me do, i cant scream. i may cry, i may run, i may panic, but i just wont scream. i'm not surprised i never scream my entire life, even when i was a baby. i know for certain i've never screamed my entire life after graudating from babyhood, but just now talking to my mom, i'm not surprised even when i was a baby i do not scream. I was a very quiet, very 乖 baby;the kind of baby every mother wld love to have. very quiet, very contended, not fussy, drink milk at the right time, dont really wake up in the middle of the night and create a big fuss, etc etc. my sis was the opposite though. Understand that it's not that i dont wanna scream... i know i cannot scream. i've never ever thought of screaming in fear before. the more someone scream, the more i keep silent.
take for eg. in sec sch, when we watched jaws, or anything that might have a slight horror to it (like He Loves Me He Loves Me Not where the heart model was in the box and it looked grossed) the whole class may scream, i was silent, though i may be afraid. when tricia screamed her horrifying scream, the whole class, already tensed by the show scream as well, i remained silent. when my most feared cockroach approached me, is near me.. i DONT scream. rather i shut my mouth and run. why? i'm more afraid it'll fly into my mouth. xp
so i JUST CANT SCREAM! *period* not a scream of joy nor a scream of pain nor a scream of terror. *period* shouts of joy, maybe. shouts of frustration, maybe. yells, maybe. but no scream *period*
So... what did Mr Seah do? he posted me next hardest thing to do "give me your most angriest sound"
it took me very long to do it. i put on my blindfold and start thinking. i started to muster up all my anger, frustrations, and rage. you know what came to my mind... the ex-co meeting i just had in the midst of rehearsal outside the LT. I pictured my president. the rage, the frustrations that i suppressed just now... the nice, soothing background music dint help, and thus i asked for it to be cut, and re-mustered my anger. the loud talking i can hear dint help too. every effort of mustering it, is counter by every urge to suppress it (an instinctive action that is bearly controllable). the thought of who were in the room, who will be listening, how embarrassing this is going to be, the AVA and drama people who were there, someone (or 2 or more) that i like a little were there... kept countering my efforts, and i kept saying "focus, dont lose it".
Mr Seah had to say "we dont have all day rachel, in a count of three you're going to have to give me the best you got"
ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.............
it came out. the angriest, more frustrated, full of rage sound i've ever heard from myself.
fren applauded from the back, laughing and saying "good one". but my mind hissed at that. It's not acting my dear friend. it was unleashing something that had been imprisoned inside for so long.
Mr Seah got me to do it again. This time he told me not to stretch it, but to constantly keep doing it repeatedly as i'm being whacked, responding to the whacking sound. i couldnt last long, i had a hard time focusing and mustering it again. But that did it!
i walked up the stairs to drink water. the rage was still within. i felt like shouting it out. my frustrations were rising out of the gates of imprisonment. after two tries of mustering, the gates had opened. and i shouted again, in frustration, not so loud, not in an attempt to follow anyone's instruction of doing it. just letting it out again, for it had risen from the depths of the imprisonment within to the edge of my lips.
He SHOULDN'T have. seriously, he shouldn't have. he did somthing i've never done. He undid the works of my patient hands and heart for many years, to carefully lock up these dangerous creatures of rage, of anger, of frustrations.
Shouting it out felt good, and since the anger had risen, why don't i just tried out my 'oscar' award "That's bullshit!.." segment. and i did. it was wow! powerfully angry and lashing! Hiiiissssss.... but the stupid thing that came immediately after that were the imitations by the AVA pple, of whom the earlier matters were enough to make me boiling mad. imitations of "that's bullshit"came from them. and i immediately rose in response, instantly shouting back "shut up!", and "dont try me". and i really meant it. unknown to them was that at that moment, hearing their imitation, seeing the faces of those who made those imitations, instantly connecting back to the afternoon's ordeal, i was really ready to throw something at them and hurt them. If my instinctive nature that is not yet totally dead did not arise and suppressed myself, i would have ran over, whack them hard on the back and shout in their ears, "shut up!". i'm serious.
i've ever imagined what would i be like if i wasnt born in a good christian home, in a good church, where God's values have really been imparted into my life, interwining within me, and becoming part of me, and defining my values. You would have never ever imagined. i'll be one of the most rebellious person ever seen, probably very very violent too, bashing people up... believe me, i know myself better than you do and there's a lot of things you do not see. I'll probably go round picking at others, a bad-tempered, untamable wild mustang you'll never believe me to be. maybe, even a gangster. i doubt anyone of you (esp hy) will ever believe this, reading this, becoz the truth is you know little about me, who i really am. not that the me you know is fake, but the me i reveal to you is just one little side. maybe just 1/3 of who i am, one-third of what makes me.you may think i'll never think certian thoughts, but in fact, i may have.
i've ever imagined what i may have become if God dint penetrate through my life since young, but yesterday was just a slight taste of what I really might have become. hah. some people may be happy to hear this, becoz rachel will finally be more 'human', and not so 'holy moley' but in fact, you're happy becoz you do not like me being so uncompromising, though deep down your heart knows that that's how we should be. Your heart knows deep down that the world would be a better place if we carry ourselves with righteousness. But the society today appreciates little of pure righteousness and heavily criticise words/actions/behaviour of pure and true righteousness (i'm not talking about self-righteousness here). They condemn it becoz it's unattainable to them, and so they do not want others to get it.
Mr Seah SHOULDNT have pushed it. He really shouldnt have done that. That was an action overboard. That broke open the prison gates holding back certain dangerous emotions. Just as we had ended and we were closing the LT, while i was packing my bag. The new pres was imitating the "that's bullshit!" part again. I warned him sternly, "shut up. don't try. i mean it. dont make me go after you. do not 惹 me tonight. i mean it." current Pres face changed from light-heartedly, joking to serious. Jason also knew i was really serious and said to the new pres, "dont forget she havent step down yet, show her some respect." but i know that Jason sensed my seriously-dont-play-with-me mood. i have a feeling even Mr Seah who was standing nearby sensed that i-can-kill tone in my voice. and seriously, i could. if new pres had continue, i might have rushed to him, pin him to the wall and warned him again, aggressively. i dont know what i might have further done. but new pres got the message, and the teasing and imitating was done for that day.
be further warned. ANYONE who dare to treat my tone for this matter very lightly will seriously get it from me. i dont know what it'll be. but i'm very sure you dont want to know. becoz i do not want to know. DO NOT tease me or praised my anger tone lightly, like fren or my new pres. tell me if i need to improve or did a good job in getting the tone. but dont you dare take it likely and laughingly. it's a serious matter, and ANYONE who gets to the wrong side of me when i've mustered up such emotions, i DONT guarantee what will happen next, i'm being serious here, and not emotional.
if i wasnt trying to suppress my emotions, if the police in my heart werent trying to catch these dangerous rage,anger,frustration criminals, i had something in my hand that i dare to throw. It would have hit and hurt someone, HARD. if i had a knife then, i would have thrown it at you. dont mess with me when i'm angry.
if you said you've never seen me lose my cool before, yesterday's episode is a glimpse of it, but it was still somewhat under control. if new pres had continue pushing, you'll really see me getting angry, and now i know, my anger can really kill. one of the most dangerous emotional criminals i have is a killling streak. and if it was freed, it would not cease going for the kill.
i now know for sure, that you so DO NOT want to see me get very angry, you DO NOT want to see me lose my cool. becoz right now, in the right state of mind, i'm telling you, that i myself cannot guarantee anything should i really get angry. It's not just the volume and words you'll hear, it'll be more than that, and that anger and rage will not be easily simmered.
i have now become very very sensitive to the name kristen and i hate kristen for her guts! the fact that she has ted for her, the fact that she is able to express the emotions that i have to hide. Sadness, loneliness, anger, frustrations.. ... ... ...
i really do not know whether playing kristen for drama night is a good thing or not. i highly doubt it's a good thing. i'm very afraid that the kristen part of me will really unleash as i act out kristen. Kristen is really really getting to me. *period*
