SURGE!!! camp 14thdec-17thdec2008

Praise God! Hallelujah! Indeed, I think that the theme and name for PL’s IGNYTE camp was really spot-on. At least it was for me. Okay, honestly, compared with other TCC youth camp I’ve been to, it still couldn’t ‘beat’ EMERGE camp in 2006. That camp was awesome! God’s presence was strong, my camp group was fantastic (Go Eliphelet!!), God spoke to me throughout the entire camp even so strongly throughout the different games and days’ activities, and I had tonnes of fun and experiences of who God is.

But this camp was very very different. The games and activities, and all, were good, and God visited me in a very different way. Totally unexpected! I shall not go through every single activity nor the whole camp experience, but rather, just recording, sharing and testifying how God has visited me and touched me this round. I praise God, for this camp marks a new beginning for me, spiritually, which will lead to the other aspects of my life following after. I’ll share more about the new beginning part, probably around the new year.

To begin with, I seriously SERIOUSLY did NOT want to come for camp. So many excuses I come up with. I fear being disappointed, like I was, at last year’s camp. I dint want to ‘rely’ on camp to get my life back right with God, and just spiral downwards after camp, as usual. I felt that God can touch me OUT of camp. If God dont touch me, and I’m asked to share, it’ll be superb awkward… blah blah. And I was listening in to the devil’s lies. This urge of not going was so strong, different from the kind that I usually feel when going for camp, which is the fear of getting out of comfort zone. Actually, i was just simply running away from God and hiding from God, as i have been doing the entire year, especially the past few months. yah.

But I praise God. Talked to aN. (becoz he’s in camp comm, so who better to try persuading you then one of them. xp and also becoz I’ve known him since sec 1, so he’s one of the easier-for-me-to-talk-to person.) and wanted to talk to sis gwen too, but my guts failed me. Somehow, God knew, and he prompted sis gwen to talk to me. So between this bro and sis in Christ of mine, I started to reject the lies of the enemy and my own foolish thoughts, and quickly signed up for camp.

Come to think about it now, I would think God really really wanted me to go for camp. I mean, I had NO EXCUSES not to go. No one really know this… but… before June, I signed up for my school’s OSLE(overseas service learning experience) to Thailand, and it falls early dec. and I was thinking back then.. yes! Got excuse not to go for camp. Becoz usually, ignyte camp falls first two weeks of dec. but surprisingly, this year, it was later. If I had gone for OSLE, I would have returned on 14th dec. the first announcement of camp was 15th dec-18th dec. JUST NICE!!! I was like “WHAT?!” haha. Then what happened was that camp dates shifted to 14th dec-17th dec. then… haha…I pulled out of OSLE. Not willingly. Parents unhappy with the long hours and commitment, so forbade me to carry on. So… I COULD go for camp!! Haha. And so happened, that during the hols, I went to Nepal – family trip. The service before we flew.. was the camp early bird sign-up week. The next service we attended, after we came back, was the camp actual day itself. So God let us sign up first, and in-between, no time to think otherwise and back out. Haha.

Anyways… to camp!!

First Day (14th Dec)
Afraid to be disappointed, I din’t want to be too greedy. I only had two simple expectations for this camp. Actually, it’s more like 2 expectations of God.
1. I will receive a touch from God so real that I can’t deny it.
2. I will be reminded of who I am in God (my identity in God)
And to say honestly, God DID NOT meet my expectations at all. Not in the way I expected anyways.

First night service, PDa spoke about waiting on the Lord. Something tugged at my heart. The art of waiting on the Lord… that, I did not know, and have not experienced. I realised that I have given up too easily this year. I was (like what PDa mentioned) like the depressed, suicidal eagle in the mounting process… the eagle who can’t fly, beak so heavy that it can’t lift up its head, beautiful feathers all dropped off, walks like a turkey, eyesight fail… due to the natural process of mounting… and becoz of what it faces during this period, it chose to get depressed, refusing to eat, just slowly waiting for death itself.

That night, I was determined that I WILL WAIT ON THE LORD!!

At the altars that first night, I was praying for myself. Suddenly, I sort of sensed the presence of God. He didn’t speak. It was completely different from anything I’ve ever expected/imagined. It was like how God spoke to Elijah, not in the great and strong wind, not in the earthquake, not in the fire, but in a still small voice (1 Kings 19:11-13). But for me, yes, God was in the stillness, just that he was silent, not speaking. As I waited on Him on my knees, I wondered why aint God touching me? I’m willing to surrender now (at least I thot I was). My heart was heavy, and I could feel the bondages. I expected a confrontation, crying out loud and sobbing in the presence and the embrace of God. But, no. that dint happen. Rather, after a few tears flowed, it was just simply stillness. I was aware of what’s happening around me, but I just dint feel a need to follow, to worship along, but just to be still in the presence of God. The presence wasn’t like the overpowering, strong kind. Nor is it the refreshing kind. It was just stillness and having no desire to worship, nor even to speak in tongues. It’s kinda hard to describe that feeling. It’s a little like blessed assurance; it’s a little like peace… but more of just stillness, and no desire whatsoever to leave this stillness, such that I knelt there till my legs went totally numb, and when I stood up, I could not feel my legs and control my legs at all, and have to use my hands to pull it upright to standing position. I couldn’t even wiggle my toes. I’ve learnt that even being still and waiting upon the Lord can be uplifting. HALLELUJAH!!

The stillness was so unexpected for me, that I did doubt a little whether I was just not focusing God or that it was really the ‘silence and stillness’ of God. But somehow, this camp, that’s how God seemed to visit me. I realised I could not and should not limit the way God can touch me. Usually at camps, one has the mindset that God touches us in two ways… either we’re sobbing in the Lord’s presence, or the Spirit descend upon us and we are slain. I expected His strong, overwhelming presence and conviction. Rather, He surprised me with the opposite. Stillness.

So, God did visit me, and sort of touched me, but NOT in a way that’s so convincing that I can’t deny. But by the end of camp, I truly believe that that was the presence of God.

Second Day (15th Dec)
During the morning’s TAWG (Time Alone With God), we read 1 Chronicles 28:8-10 and two things stood out to me.. “serve him [God] with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind”
I’ve been missing the wholehearted devotion (NIV) aka loyal heart (NKJV) numerous times this year. I haven’t exactly been very loyal to the Lord. And in our allocated TAWG, we’re supposed to ask God: What are your purposes/plans for me? What should I do to fulfil them?

So I sat there and asked… I was still and waited on the Lord, pushing all thoughts away. And in the stillness, I sort of sensed God saying “Go! Be a light in your JC. Shine for me. Share My love. Be a blessing.” And also… “I love you. I love you my daughter. You are my sheep. Come to me, and drink from the living waters, that you may thirst no more.” Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I dint really expect God to just speak to me like that, and I enjoyed it.

Morning service bro kah fei talked about commitment to God that requires us to endure. I was convicted how I wasn’t committed to the Lord this year, and how I did not persevere, did not endure, but just give in to the devil’s taunts and lies.

I chose that morning then, that I WILL BE COMMITTED!! I WILL ENDURE!!

That night, PDa talked about Running the Race, with Purpose, and without Hindrances. He talked about throwing off anything that hinders, and getting rid of the sin that so easily entangles (Hebrews 12:1). He also mentioned that when we put our hand to the plow, we SHOULD NOT look back (Luke 9:62). He also talked about confessing our sins, confessing to God, and then confessing to the leaders.

I was committed then that I WILL NOT TURN BACK!! I WILL THROW OFF ANY SIN THAT ENTANGLES!!

That night I decided, it’s time to surrender all. It’s time to confess about a particular sin of mine, that has been going on since pri sch, which is so embarrassing for me that I’ve never spoken about it to anyone before, not even my sis, which I can share nearly everything, and I also never properly confessed it fully to the Lord. I decided that it was time to wholeheartedly confess to the Lord, and be accountable to the leaders. During the altar call, I stopped up to TOTALLY cleanse myself and surrender myself wholeheartedly to God. No turning back!

I sob hard, for very short duration, several times, though the tears were kinda controlled and couldn’t flow fast and free, as it used to be able to do. And God spoke (well kinda. I mean I sensed Him saying to me, in my own voice..) “I’ve long forgiven you my daughter. I took your sins on the cross. I’m just waiting for you to surrender it all.” Hallelujah!

But it’s not over. For that sin to be totally cut off for good, I felt that I needed to confess to the leader. And being hard for me, becoz to me it’s really really embarrassing. I chose to confess to one of the sis in Christ, wanting to get it done before the new year comes. But she’s rather busy, and I understand that. There’s so much events going on now, after the camp, and she only can fork out time next year. So well, hopefully I wont hide again! I need to confess it out to be free. Looking forward to 4th Jan2009.

Third Day (16th Dec)
TAWG – ask God: How can I serve You wholeheartedly? What more can I do to serve You?
I prayed: Help me Lord to be faithful and committed in serving you, even when I go through mundanity and challenges. I asked God how I could serve Him in three areas (or at least I wanted to)
1. SOF (my ministry expression in ignyte, of which I have “taken a break” in serving since june, due to my spiritual struggles)
2. SP (I’ve stopped going for Lcell long before june, and haven’t been serving as an SP the entire year, officially asking to ‘quit’ in June)
3. in other areas of my life

Sadly, the time given was too short for me, and I only managed to ask God about SOF. In the stillness I sensed Him saying “Be my light there. Go, and make disciples.” I’m currently still asking God about the SP status, and how else can I serve Him. So, bros and sis in Christ who are reading this, do pray for me.

The strong will of NOT officially being an SP is gone, and I sort of feel like going back to SP. Also, since Friday, I sort of feel an urge to be more actively involved in Ignyte and its events, which means taking part in planning, organising Ignyte events next year. There’s two things to it though. Three actually.
1. Next year is my A level year
2. Next year is also my last year in Ignyte
3. I’ve never participated in organising/running/planning Ignyte activities before, and I’m not like one of those very close with people there ( I dun really know how to put in words).
However, last night, at nouveau, I felt a voice (this I’m not sure if it’s God’s or mine) saying “if you can put in so much effort and commitment to giving to your third home [PHS], what more your second home [TCC].” So pls pray. I’m gonna seek God and make the decision before 1st Jan 2009.

Morning service bro titus talked about how God dint called us to be yo-yo Christians, and how we should be set apart for Him, as He calls us to be IN THE WORLD, but NOT PART OF THE WORLD. Our response to God can only be “yes Lord, I’m listening. I will obey.” OR “Lord, I’m hardening my heart towards you.”

I WILL BE SET APART FOR HIM!! I WILL NO LONGER HARDEN MY HEART!!

PDa shared during the night service about SOARING ~ Letting Go, Letting God!
We need to know who we are (we are God’s chosen!), we need to stay alert and keep praying, and we need to surrender. When the eagle is in the wind, it doesn’t flap its wings. If it flaps its wings, if it tries to ‘help’, it will spiral downwards.

I WILL TOTALLY SURRENDER EVERYTHING!

So, up to the altars I went, surrending myself, surrendering EVERYTHING, and this round, I truly mean EVERYTHING, and went up to consecrate myself before the Lord, to be anointed with oil.

I surrendered everything to the Lord that night. My fears, doubts, sins (inclu. the one I needed to confess), studies, friends, lies of the devil, my thoughts/mindsets, feeling unloved, loneliness, lust, etc. As I confessed, words just tumbled out, and I started confessing different aspects of my life that I’ve been holding on and refusing to trust God on, that I myself did not really realised, like my friends. I confessed till I ran out of words to say, and I just stood there, silently, just waiting on the Lord in the stillness (something I learnt in day 1). After a while, I saw this mental image. Okay, it’s not exactly see like you see visuals on TV those kind, but the mind sort of tells you what is happening, and what you’re ‘seeing’ (which my mom later confirms it as a vision! Cool man!).

Anyways, I ‘saw’ myself been weighed down by many big and heavy chains, so heavy that I was struggling under it, that I couldn’t even walk upright but was bend low, the burden so heavy. Then I saw this sword. God took His sword and slashed at this chains. And as I see the chains been broken one by one, I saw that on each of these chains were written the things I just confessed. The chain of sorrow, of guilt, of shame, of fear, of doubt, of the devil's lies, of despair, of various sins, of loneliness, of inadequacy, of uselessness, of 'nobody' status, etc. The chains were broken, till there was none left on my back. But, though the chains were all broken and slipped away, the burden it gave has been weighed down for so long until I cant lift upself up, I cant face God, and could only remain bend low. Then, God picked me up, and carried me. I felt His love, and in His embrace, I was strengthened. That I saw.

As we youths were getting consecrated and anointed with oil at the altars, PDa asked those who were already anointed to move back, and those who haven’t but wanted to move front. I moved front, and waited. As I heard people started to sob hard in God’s presence, as I felt people beside me getting slain and falling in the Holy Spirit’s presence, as I felt the leaders coming closer and closer to me, fear gripped my heart. I feared God will not touch me, like He’s doing to everyone else around me. But I sensed God saying “Surrender your fears to me. Focus on me. Don’t worry, I will come to you and touch you.”

After a while, a leader came and anointed me with oil, praying for me, also mentioning about me running and hiding away, which was spot-on! Then, thinking that that was it, I moved to the back to continue worshipping God. But little did I know, God was not done with me yet. I got a shock with sis joan touched me and told me to go in front, as bro titus was calling me to. At the front, he took my hand, smiled to me and said “Why are you running away? Why are you running away?” I dint know what to say, and I closed my eyes, and he started praying for me, anointed me again with oil. As he prayed, he recognised what i've been doing that others may not have seen and gave recognition, but God saw, and he anointed me as a woman of authority (well, that’s all that I can remembered, that is)… and tears started flowing down. I dint sob, tears just flowed, and God was like saying “let it flow. So I can fully break the chains of sorrow and hurt you have.”

After the entire night service, each night in camp, we have testimony sharing, where people who wants to share what God has done for them can share with everyone. Even before that, at the altars, I already felt prompted that I should go up and share, dun ask me why. And I was challenged to go up and share. It aint easy for me. Fear gripped my heart. I feared being the centre of attention of the >270 people that were there. I struggled within myself. After the second person, I took courage and rose. But when my butt was just barely off the floor, I saw two other people standing up, and I lost courage. Then bro zhi chao said “okay everyone who wants to share, come up now and queue up.” Suddenly so many people started coming up. I feared and could not move. Sitting in front of everyone, waiting for turn to share, that’s even more scary. I hesitated. Bro zhi chao also got a shock and quickly stop the flow, otherwise share whole night dun need to sleep liao, becoz at that time it was already nearly midnight.

As everyone else was sharing, I wasn’t really paying full attention becoz I was struggling within myself. God challenged me to surrender my fears to Him, just as I said I was at the altars, and speak up. Also, that my bro and sis in Christ (no, not my biological siblings) who has encouraged me may be encouraged. When the whole sharing was over, everyone applauded to thank God for what He has done, and bro zhi chao was about to carry on with the announcements, I quickly raise my hand and said “bro zhi chao, I NEED to share.” He paused, obviously shocked, and said “okay, becoz you said need, you can share. (and jokingly added) I hope no more hands shoot up.” And I did. I shared, but of course not as detailed as I’ve just done here, becoz time was limited there, so I did as short as I can. But, HALLELUJAH!! I’ve shared, and God can truly cut away the chain of fear that I surrendered, becoz I chose to surrender wholeheartedly in the end. I’m telling you it was real scary up there, and even when I returned to my seat, I was still unsettled. But by the end of the night, I was at peace with God, and I think He’s proud of me, becoz I chose to surrender fully to Him. Praise the Lord!!

Fourth Day (17th Dec)
The last day of camp. Came too soon. Camp was just simply too short. 3 days 3 nights (considering that sun and wed was kinda like half day each). XP

TAWG – ask yourself: have I met God’s expectation for me in this camp?
I think, yes. I did. I kept an open mind and an open heart, and I chose to obey rather than hold back.
Reading for the day – Isaiah 40:28-31 “He [God] will not grow tired or weary”
Ask God: What must I do to have victory in every aspect of my life?
In the stillness, I sensed God answering “Trust me. Wait on me. And I will instruct you. I will guide you”, “Obey all of my commandments, and I will bless you”, and “Seek Me First”.

Our last service of camp. I love sis gwen for that! Haha. She encouraged us to go all out in worshipping and praising the Lord. And I seriously felt the freedom of the chains all gone. I could sing freely and joyfully. I could jump for joy and dance before the Lord. I could punch my fist in the air, punch my fist at the devil with all my strength and shout “it’s gonna be ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!”I really really enjoyed the praise and worship that morning. Given all out in my new freedom and liberty, giving all praise to my Heavenly Father whom I love so much! Indeed,
“We [I] have overcome
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
We have overcome
By the power of Your Name
Jesus, You’re the one
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
The one who made the way
For us to triumph in Your Name”

She shared of how we can fulfil God’s purpose in our lives. We need to enlarge our dreams, our visions, for God wants to give us something bigger than ourselves! Amen! We should not hold back. Do not count the cost! And let’s lengthen our cords. We need to be united and keep growing in numbers.

I WILL NOT HOLD BACK! I WILL LET GOD USE ME!

Praise God for all He has done in my life! Praise the Lord for all He has done for me in this Surge camp! Praise Jesus for this new beginning in my spiritual life! Praise Abba for a renewal and this new-found freedom! Hallelujah!!! HALLELUJAH!!

Indeed, I’m SURGING forward like the waves, ever SEARCHing for God and waiting upon Him, rising up to SERVE Him with wholehearted devotion in more ways than I have done, SOARing with Him to greater heights and to greater level of intimacy with Him.

Higher, Lord you will lift me
Higher, out of my weakness
Lord, take me as I am
Higher, I will be lifted
Higher, my world committed
In my Generation, I will proclaim