Friday Night

was nervous about tonight. becoz it's a big step back into the SP arena, a place where i never thought i'll come back. nervous becoz of how i left, nervous becoz of the bad experience i had... that i never felt i fit into this 'SP thingy', that i never felt comfortable, and that i never stepped fully into the 'SP stuff' back then.

FYI for ignyters, especially those who know me well. you probably dint know that though i was an SP, officially, in mid 2006, the number of times i've been to LCE can be counted on one hand (means less than 5 times lah), i've never did salting as an SP in an event, the number of times i've been to L-cell/SP empowerment can be counted on my two hands (means less than 10 times.aiyo.)... yah. i never felt i was ready or up for it. even up to the SP interview, i dint felt i was ready, but i was being pushed, so after long resistance, i went, got commissioned. i thot God was only using me as an SP for just a season, in 2007, during the transition, when i got my 1st 2 SBs. esp jann. becoz i'm probably like the only close one she knows in ignyte, and i cld easily connect her and encourage her to come for FUEL and ignyte service.

i called for an ALL-OUT this year, wanting to 'step down' from SP. little did i know when i came back to God, God called me back in. i hesitated becoz i felt for so long, so convinced that this official church SP was definitely not God's plan for me, but now i'm riding on His wings, following His guidance.

anyways, back to tonight. haha. i was feeling nervous about it, ever since they announced it last sunday. ya. i mean it's like being away for so long, never felt part of it, and there's pple there knowing i'm was an SP, though MIA from SP-related stuffs, i mean, what will they be thinking? will my 'past' haunt me? i know those who are quite close to me, esp those praying for me, will be silently rejoicing that i've returned... but still for those who dun know me but recognises me... *shrugs*

felt very very tempted to shun and hide away, but haha. how long can i do that? remembering the 4 values - Faithfulness, Commitment, Perseverance, Determination.. remembering who i'm relying on.. remembering my decision to trust God and not turn back, i yielded, and chose to obey and trust God. Praise the LORD for that!

i'm so thankful when alex called me out to have dinner wif her, sherm, 3adult leaders & shamus. becoz during that time, before SP empowerment, of which i'm nervous about, we talked, joked, laughed, chasing away all other thoughts in my mind, and giving no chance for doubts, fears, nervousness, and whatever to enter. if not, on the way here, i'll probably started getting a little jumpy. xp

okays, i wont say the whole thing went perfect, but nearly there. haha. most of the time i was feeling alright. though there were few, and very short, moments where i got a little nervous or a little awkward, but God soon stilled my heart.. and come to think of it, i guess you could say i was kinda resting in God's presence bah. so HALLELUJAH! for that.

and worship was great. i just felt so at peace, so at rest, so bliss. (okay, not 0836 bliss, that bliss.. but just the normal english word bliss. haha. just in case 0836 pple read this..) i was just smiling while i worshipped my lover. oh how sweet His love for me.

Anyways, tis a reminder to me that i should obey and trust God, for He'll deal with whatever awkwardness, nervousness, fears, doubts that may come my way, regardless of what aspect of life God's pointing towards.

Thank you Lord for the dinner fellowship. Thank you Lord that i'm invited for the dinner, making me feel more settled, making me feel remembered, making me feel more belonged. Thank you for Chloe who despite having a bad day, welcomed me back to the SP community, bringing tears to my eyes. Thank you Lord for being with me, being so real to me, for comforting me and granting me your rest. Thank you Lord for teaching me to rest in you, to trust you, and to have faith in you, for you are the God of the Possible, and the IMPOSSIBLES! Hallelujah!