enough about him already shall we? i'm started to grow tired of hearing & talking about him. i can 99% confidently say that when i'm with you, his name will appear in our conversation. Not that i want to keep things from you and all, but it's the motive behind talking so much. To protect you, to safeguard you, i am willing to speak. but you've moved to being the 'kaypoh' mode, wishing to know more for interest sake, the way gossippers do. No offense my dear, but that's not for me. if the chat is about gossipping about anyone, i'm not that interested, esp not during this period where time is limited, important, and mostly reserved to be used effectively to study, not gossip. I'm not angry. I'm just tired. Tired of hearing the same old, same old thing. No, i'm not judging you, and i encourage you to talk it out so that we can be your watcher, to watch out for you, to be your protection whom you can turn to when you need to be in safe arms. That's what friends are for.
But if your intention is to used our knowledge to find out juicy news, of which does not seem to affect your responses and decisions towards him, then maybe it's time for you to do a little soul-searching... what is it you really want? what are you doing what you are doing? why do you want to find out so much?
I'm not angry wif you or anything. really. i'm not irritated with you either, nor the others. It's just that from my point of view, sometimes i do get sick and tired hearing pple lament about him and his tactics, blaming him for being a sweet-talker, manipulative, lying to them, putting a false front(or rather false fronts), indirectly meaning 欺骗我感情... ...
Yes, i'm not denying he does seem and probably is (okay, so he is) that way.. but it was our choice to entertain him, it was our choice(or lack of good judgement) to think we can change a person, it was our choice on how we choose to respond to him and let ourselves get affected by him. It takes two hands to clap. Everyone knows that principle, but not many actually remembers it, or rather, we choose not to remember it and apply it to ourselves.
you may think, who am i to comment... i've not been through what they had.. so say you. yes, it's true that i may not have gone thru exactly what they had gone thru.. but hey, when i say we're just friends, i dint mention though that i was trying to ensure it went that way. You think he has not used those 'tactics' on me before? you think he has not sweet-talked me before? you think he has not used the phrase 'do you miss me?' and night call me before? do you think i have not met those hard personal questions he love asking girls? do you think that i was so strong that i was not tempted but a woman's desire? then maybe... think again.
I hope i dont sound too defensive, becoz i'm not really trying to be. it's just that pple take my personality/character for granted, not knowing/remembering that i too am a human being. I wont deny that at times, sexual desires aroused, and i longed for a guy to hold my hand, give me a hug, engage in a passionate kiss, and just be with a guy, loving and knowing i'm being loved. I wont deny that i enjoyed and perhaps sometimes crave a little for more attention from him. Girls like attention from guys. (esp if he's a guy she's been liking or a guy who's good at giving the right attention. haha.) I wont deny that i enjoy being with him, hearing his voice and all. I wont deny that i too had been tempted and at times given in to my feelings.
I felt kinda a slight loss when he got distracted by someone else, and my fantasy (of which i knew from the start that it was never reality.. but one still hopes in a dream dont they? :) ) went to smoke. Any slight possibilities/hope that he does like me more than a friend, but someone special, already from the start knowing that wont happen, or trying to convince myself so...*poof*.... but i knew that it was me who relent, me who gave in, me who compromised, me who responded. i dont blame him as many are in the habit of doing. i can only say that i was foolish to have let some feelings developed, knowing that he is not and never is the one for me, and that he will not like me in that way... ...
and yes, i've gotten over him. I've faced reality, and embraced reality, and accepted reality. And yes, believe it or not, it's over. The feelings for him and all. maybe becoz deep down i always knew the reality, so though i gave in here and there, i guess i may not have invested as deeply as i thought, allowing me to let go better. We're just friends now, friends back again, friends that hardly talk though... haha. unlike last time. (he's too busy *ahem*) haha. There is no regret, no blaming, but a lesson learnt through this journey of life, through this experience. It allowed me to know myself better, my reactions and bodily/emotional response to a guy's action, esp when directed to me. I guess in time to come, i'll find it useful in further guarding myself and understanding myself as such encounters meet me again.
It's late. i dont know why am i still online, cept for the fact i bathed late becoz when i reach home, having cycled back, i needed to chill a little... then dad came back and bathe, then insisted my sis bathe first... then finally my turn... and i have to let my hair dry, so took this 4o min or so to type all these out, although my hair 早就干了! haha. :D Gnite!
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