sadly, whilst appearing not offline as I did the things I needed to do tonight, none of them talked to me. >.<
Sighs.
Goodnight.
Showing posts with label *. Show all posts
Showing posts with label *. Show all posts
Msn
The people I DON'T WANT ( = want & wish they'll talk to me) to see online are ALL online, even the rare one(s). *shake head*
Let Go
came across one of the "to keep" private blog posts I had, talking about letting go of No. 2 last year. I sos smsed (back then) sis Gwen as I struggled to let go of him. I like her reply. This is what she said, "Let go by first understanding God will, heart for you. Let go by first knowing that God will take care of you.. And then let go knowing that practically n realitically there is no pt for u to keep holding on.. "
So I did a reflection back then on her words, and this was my reflection:
Let go by first understanding God's will and heart for me
God's will and heart for me: He wants to give me nothing but the best; He wants me to live for Him and not for myself, becoz He knows that when i live for Him, i gain satisfaction, but when i live for myself, though i may gain pleasure, deep down I'm not satisfied within and there's still emptiness.
Let go by first knowing that God will take care of me
He knows what i want, He knows what I need. He will provide. He's the Jehovah Jireh. I just have to trust and rely on Him. And as i trust and rely on Him, I will let myself be complete and one with Him, before i am truly ready to meet the guy, the partner God has specially chosen for me, so we may complement each other. He knows the guy who is perfect for me, i dun even know what kind of guy is; the guy who is not perfect, but perfect for me... for God knows me inside out, and He knows what I want and what I need especially.
Let go knowing that practically and realistically there is no point for me holding on
True, something i know deep down since the very beginning, even before tredding this path. To let go of what is not meant for me, and to trust and rely on God, that some day, though the wait be long and uncertain, that there will come this wonderful guy which God has in mind for me, who will give me such wonderful experiences and memories, far greater and better than any i have experienced with **No. 2**. not just affection, but true love from deep down within. To not hold on in lack of faith, fearing the unknown future, and having such zero confidence that i will ever experience and taste again such sweet experiences becoz no one will see me; but to know that i am beautiful in the eyes of God, and i am an attractive daughter of God, which one day will attract the right guy whom God intends for me to have a wonderful future with.
God's will and heart for me: He wants to give me nothing but the best; He wants me to live for Him and not for myself, becoz He knows that when i live for Him, i gain satisfaction, but when i live for myself, though i may gain pleasure, deep down I'm not satisfied within and there's still emptiness.
Let go by first knowing that God will take care of me
He knows what i want, He knows what I need. He will provide. He's the Jehovah Jireh. I just have to trust and rely on Him. And as i trust and rely on Him, I will let myself be complete and one with Him, before i am truly ready to meet the guy, the partner God has specially chosen for me, so we may complement each other. He knows the guy who is perfect for me, i dun even know what kind of guy is; the guy who is not perfect, but perfect for me... for God knows me inside out, and He knows what I want and what I need especially.
Let go knowing that practically and realistically there is no point for me holding on
True, something i know deep down since the very beginning, even before tredding this path. To let go of what is not meant for me, and to trust and rely on God, that some day, though the wait be long and uncertain, that there will come this wonderful guy which God has in mind for me, who will give me such wonderful experiences and memories, far greater and better than any i have experienced with **No. 2**. not just affection, but true love from deep down within. To not hold on in lack of faith, fearing the unknown future, and having such zero confidence that i will ever experience and taste again such sweet experiences becoz no one will see me; but to know that i am beautiful in the eyes of God, and i am an attractive daughter of God, which one day will attract the right guy whom God intends for me to have a wonderful future with.
Lord, remind me again. Remind me again I pray, and strengthen my heart and my resolve. Turn my heart back to you. Help me with No. 3. Let me be Yours and wait for your perfect gift. Help me to surrender myself.
"Every long lost dream, led me to where You are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars; pointing me on my way, into Your loving arms. This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road and lead me straight to You."
enough about him already shall we? i'm started to grow tired of hearing & talking about him. i can 99% confidently say that when i'm with you, his name will appear in our conversation. Not that i want to keep things from you and all, but it's the motive behind talking so much. To protect you, to safeguard you, i am willing to speak. but you've moved to being the 'kaypoh' mode, wishing to know more for interest sake, the way gossippers do. No offense my dear, but that's not for me. if the chat is about gossipping about anyone, i'm not that interested, esp not during this period where time is limited, important, and mostly reserved to be used effectively to study, not gossip. I'm not angry. I'm just tired. Tired of hearing the same old, same old thing. No, i'm not judging you, and i encourage you to talk it out so that we can be your watcher, to watch out for you, to be your protection whom you can turn to when you need to be in safe arms. That's what friends are for.
But if your intention is to used our knowledge to find out juicy news, of which does not seem to affect your responses and decisions towards him, then maybe it's time for you to do a little soul-searching... what is it you really want? what are you doing what you are doing? why do you want to find out so much?
I'm not angry wif you or anything. really. i'm not irritated with you either, nor the others. It's just that from my point of view, sometimes i do get sick and tired hearing pple lament about him and his tactics, blaming him for being a sweet-talker, manipulative, lying to them, putting a false front(or rather false fronts), indirectly meaning 欺骗我感情... ...
Yes, i'm not denying he does seem and probably is (okay, so he is) that way.. but it was our choice to entertain him, it was our choice(or lack of good judgement) to think we can change a person, it was our choice on how we choose to respond to him and let ourselves get affected by him. It takes two hands to clap. Everyone knows that principle, but not many actually remembers it, or rather, we choose not to remember it and apply it to ourselves.
you may think, who am i to comment... i've not been through what they had.. so say you. yes, it's true that i may not have gone thru exactly what they had gone thru.. but hey, when i say we're just friends, i dint mention though that i was trying to ensure it went that way. You think he has not used those 'tactics' on me before? you think he has not sweet-talked me before? you think he has not used the phrase 'do you miss me?' and night call me before? do you think i have not met those hard personal questions he love asking girls? do you think that i was so strong that i was not tempted but a woman's desire? then maybe... think again.
I hope i dont sound too defensive, becoz i'm not really trying to be. it's just that pple take my personality/character for granted, not knowing/remembering that i too am a human being. I wont deny that at times, sexual desires aroused, and i longed for a guy to hold my hand, give me a hug, engage in a passionate kiss, and just be with a guy, loving and knowing i'm being loved. I wont deny that i enjoyed and perhaps sometimes crave a little for more attention from him. Girls like attention from guys. (esp if he's a guy she's been liking or a guy who's good at giving the right attention. haha.) I wont deny that i enjoy being with him, hearing his voice and all. I wont deny that i too had been tempted and at times given in to my feelings.
I felt kinda a slight loss when he got distracted by someone else, and my fantasy (of which i knew from the start that it was never reality.. but one still hopes in a dream dont they? :) ) went to smoke. Any slight possibilities/hope that he does like me more than a friend, but someone special, already from the start knowing that wont happen, or trying to convince myself so...*poof*.... but i knew that it was me who relent, me who gave in, me who compromised, me who responded. i dont blame him as many are in the habit of doing. i can only say that i was foolish to have let some feelings developed, knowing that he is not and never is the one for me, and that he will not like me in that way... ...
and yes, i've gotten over him. I've faced reality, and embraced reality, and accepted reality. And yes, believe it or not, it's over. The feelings for him and all. maybe becoz deep down i always knew the reality, so though i gave in here and there, i guess i may not have invested as deeply as i thought, allowing me to let go better. We're just friends now, friends back again, friends that hardly talk though... haha. unlike last time. (he's too busy *ahem*) haha. There is no regret, no blaming, but a lesson learnt through this journey of life, through this experience. It allowed me to know myself better, my reactions and bodily/emotional response to a guy's action, esp when directed to me. I guess in time to come, i'll find it useful in further guarding myself and understanding myself as such encounters meet me again.
It's late. i dont know why am i still online, cept for the fact i bathed late becoz when i reach home, having cycled back, i needed to chill a little... then dad came back and bathe, then insisted my sis bathe first... then finally my turn... and i have to let my hair dry, so took this 4o min or so to type all these out, although my hair 早就干了! haha. :D Gnite!
But if your intention is to used our knowledge to find out juicy news, of which does not seem to affect your responses and decisions towards him, then maybe it's time for you to do a little soul-searching... what is it you really want? what are you doing what you are doing? why do you want to find out so much?
I'm not angry wif you or anything. really. i'm not irritated with you either, nor the others. It's just that from my point of view, sometimes i do get sick and tired hearing pple lament about him and his tactics, blaming him for being a sweet-talker, manipulative, lying to them, putting a false front(or rather false fronts), indirectly meaning 欺骗我感情... ...
Yes, i'm not denying he does seem and probably is (okay, so he is) that way.. but it was our choice to entertain him, it was our choice(or lack of good judgement) to think we can change a person, it was our choice on how we choose to respond to him and let ourselves get affected by him. It takes two hands to clap. Everyone knows that principle, but not many actually remembers it, or rather, we choose not to remember it and apply it to ourselves.
you may think, who am i to comment... i've not been through what they had.. so say you. yes, it's true that i may not have gone thru exactly what they had gone thru.. but hey, when i say we're just friends, i dint mention though that i was trying to ensure it went that way. You think he has not used those 'tactics' on me before? you think he has not sweet-talked me before? you think he has not used the phrase 'do you miss me?' and night call me before? do you think i have not met those hard personal questions he love asking girls? do you think that i was so strong that i was not tempted but a woman's desire? then maybe... think again.
I hope i dont sound too defensive, becoz i'm not really trying to be. it's just that pple take my personality/character for granted, not knowing/remembering that i too am a human being. I wont deny that at times, sexual desires aroused, and i longed for a guy to hold my hand, give me a hug, engage in a passionate kiss, and just be with a guy, loving and knowing i'm being loved. I wont deny that i enjoyed and perhaps sometimes crave a little for more attention from him. Girls like attention from guys. (esp if he's a guy she's been liking or a guy who's good at giving the right attention. haha.) I wont deny that i enjoy being with him, hearing his voice and all. I wont deny that i too had been tempted and at times given in to my feelings.
I felt kinda a slight loss when he got distracted by someone else, and my fantasy (of which i knew from the start that it was never reality.. but one still hopes in a dream dont they? :) ) went to smoke. Any slight possibilities/hope that he does like me more than a friend, but someone special, already from the start knowing that wont happen, or trying to convince myself so...*poof*.... but i knew that it was me who relent, me who gave in, me who compromised, me who responded. i dont blame him as many are in the habit of doing. i can only say that i was foolish to have let some feelings developed, knowing that he is not and never is the one for me, and that he will not like me in that way... ...
and yes, i've gotten over him. I've faced reality, and embraced reality, and accepted reality. And yes, believe it or not, it's over. The feelings for him and all. maybe becoz deep down i always knew the reality, so though i gave in here and there, i guess i may not have invested as deeply as i thought, allowing me to let go better. We're just friends now, friends back again, friends that hardly talk though... haha. unlike last time. (he's too busy *ahem*) haha. There is no regret, no blaming, but a lesson learnt through this journey of life, through this experience. It allowed me to know myself better, my reactions and bodily/emotional response to a guy's action, esp when directed to me. I guess in time to come, i'll find it useful in further guarding myself and understanding myself as such encounters meet me again.
It's late. i dont know why am i still online, cept for the fact i bathed late becoz when i reach home, having cycled back, i needed to chill a little... then dad came back and bathe, then insisted my sis bathe first... then finally my turn... and i have to let my hair dry, so took this 4o min or so to type all these out, although my hair 早就干了! haha. :D Gnite!
Gemma has left the Earthpack. Sheridania, the Alpha Female, felt the pain of losing a pack member to an outsider. Ultimately, Gemma has chosen to leave the pack and form her own with Melanthios. Sheridania whimpers as she watched Gemma disappear into the Forest with Melanthios. They looked great together, but she still could not help feeling the loss of one of her closer she-wolf sister in the Earthpack leaving. She has been missing the good times of hunting together with Gemma, playing together, and searching for their purpose in life together, and even more so now with her gone and away from the pack. However, Sheridania knew that she could not and should not stop Gemma from going off to find love. It's nature's arrangement, and a time will come when one by one, the wolves of this small pack will leave to form their own packs. She has no right, and also no heart, to hold Gemma back from following her heart, out of her love for this wolf sister of hers. Being the Alpha Female, she has to be strong, and thus the strong front of hers prevent her pack members, including Gemma, from knowing the stinging pain in her heart that she feels. She then turns towards Mpenzi for the love she lacks and envys, and for the strength she needs. No one else will be able to understand.
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As Gemma and Melanthios started builing their relationship up, Sheridania also began to feel uncomfortable in their presence as she fought with her jealousy and loss. In her dreams, she often snarled at them, and in the Windpack, when the pack hunts together, she tried avoiding to face Melanthios up front, and moved into the company of the other pack members. She missed talking to Melanthios, but the awkwardness she built up due to her inner fight of jealousy and loss built an unseen barrier. One cannot snarl at a wolf at one moment and run alongside with that same wolf the next. Although Gemma have left the Earthpack, Melanthios still often run with the Windpack. Sheridania have been trying to deal with her wolfship with Melanthios, and now, it seems that there is some success. She wishes she can be like before, to freely run alongside Melanthios in the Windpack as they used to do sometimes before Melanthios started seeing Gemma.
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While fighting with the emotions she faced when seeing Gemma and Melanthios together, Sheridania have also been distracted for the past moon season by a he-wolf. Astrophel has started to make his presence more prominent with each passing of the moon. Astrophel and Sheridania has started to have more runs in the forest together, and sometimes, Astrophel was even willing to play with her in the Mountains. Sheridania welcomed the distraction and enjoyed the times when the two will just sit beside each other at night, side by side. Sometimes she wishes so much to rub her head against his muscular shoulders, but she always held back. Astrophel was sweet and sometimes tempted her in his wild play. He is one of the wildest and adventurous wolf she has ever known, but that is what intrigued her and interest her at times. Not forgetting his sweetness either. All she-wolves love some attention at times.
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As Gemma and Melanthios started builing their relationship up, Sheridania also began to feel uncomfortable in their presence as she fought with her jealousy and loss. In her dreams, she often snarled at them, and in the Windpack, when the pack hunts together, she tried avoiding to face Melanthios up front, and moved into the company of the other pack members. She missed talking to Melanthios, but the awkwardness she built up due to her inner fight of jealousy and loss built an unseen barrier. One cannot snarl at a wolf at one moment and run alongside with that same wolf the next. Although Gemma have left the Earthpack, Melanthios still often run with the Windpack. Sheridania have been trying to deal with her wolfship with Melanthios, and now, it seems that there is some success. She wishes she can be like before, to freely run alongside Melanthios in the Windpack as they used to do sometimes before Melanthios started seeing Gemma.
------------------------------------------------
While fighting with the emotions she faced when seeing Gemma and Melanthios together, Sheridania have also been distracted for the past moon season by a he-wolf. Astrophel has started to make his presence more prominent with each passing of the moon. Astrophel and Sheridania has started to have more runs in the forest together, and sometimes, Astrophel was even willing to play with her in the Mountains. Sheridania welcomed the distraction and enjoyed the times when the two will just sit beside each other at night, side by side. Sometimes she wishes so much to rub her head against his muscular shoulders, but she always held back. Astrophel was sweet and sometimes tempted her in his wild play. He is one of the wildest and adventurous wolf she has ever known, but that is what intrigued her and interest her at times. Not forgetting his sweetness either. All she-wolves love some attention at times.
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[The Searchers ~ Kader]
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