Goodbye

I think I really gotta let go. Let go of a couple of close friendships. I don't think this will really work out in the long run. I've no faith. It always seem to happen with close friendships. It starts off well, and I seem to hope again. Then, somehow, something (or nothing) will happen, and deep down I know I need to let go. Again.

I think, I really need to let go of them. It's kinda torturous to be living dangling between. Regardless of how much I wished things were like in the past, I guess those days are over, and irreversible. Perhaps I was too naive to think that perhaps this round, it will be different. Things won't be the same. And the faster I let go of the close friendship, the faster I can stop expecting things and wishing to keep being updated/knowing what's going on in their lives.

It's time to let go.

This week seems like a very "letting go" week. It has always been, all these years anyway. Kinda sick and tired of it. Thought I said that too with my biggest friendship blow previously.. But I dunno why and I dunno how did I simply open myself so much to this couple of friends, sharing my life with them and 'living life together' - studying together, dinner together, chilling out together, doing things together... ...

But I guess it's time to let go. 不要在两世界当中徘徊了。sighs.

Truly, very very close friendships just don't seem to go well with. I don't think I'll ever be able to really, nearly totally, share my life with someone for good (meaning for the long-term). I don't care be it guy or gal. Be it a best friend, or a boy friend. I just want to be able to share my life with someone, and have someone to share his/her life back with me; to be able to watch each other's back and support one another; and well, simply chat, be it serious or on the surface stuff; someone I don't feel I need to hold back becoz there is a bidirectional commitment and openness to one another.

Perhaps I'm too idealistic. I dunno. All I know is 20years of my life I've waited, and it only goes to show each time how impossible it is. Last year, when I saw two friends of mine who were buddies and buddy-tight!, hope arose. Alas, a modern David and Jonathan... perhaps, it does exist/it can exist after all.

But now... perhaps they are the only ones in this world where "blood is thicker than water" does not work on them.

Irregardless, I'm letting go of this close friendships I used to have with particular individuals, and I guess I'm letting go of the hope of my dream.

Though I know I won't be able to kill the dream; for a dream is a dream, and it's there for me to dream, though hopelessly.