In view of the entire week - Monday to Friday - it is a week that though I was unwell I was out of the house most of the time, every day. But despite the terrible feeling of being sick, weak and unwell, it has been one of the nicest spent week - I spent it with people whom I'm closest to, whom I'm most comfortable with, whose presence gave me support & some kinda inner strength. :) (perhaps that's why although I did not rest at home that much, I still recovered at a good pace. A merry heart, brought by close enjoyable company, is like medicine. :P )
Spent Monday afternoon, after final exam (finally!!!) wif my besties at the ArtScience Museum to see the Titanic Exhibition. It's really interesting, though sadly, I was still very sick/tired/immune down, din't enjoy it to its full capacity. Nevertheless, enjoyed the company and FINALLY a step into the realm of museum. ^.^
Thurs met Jenn for lunch then tuition. Fri had someone close to accompany me to get my IELTS results (^.^), travelled about a while, then home to playing games wif 2of the crazy gang - enjoyable one-to-one & relaxing afternoon at home.
But the highlight of the week was Tuesday & Wednesday, especially Tuesday. :) Spent with the same group of pple - 3 frens who I feel very close to, can open myself a lot to, very comfortable with, and are the first few (if not the first) pple I'll turn to whether is it a request for prayer or seeking advices. A lot of spontaneous things happened within that two days, which makes things relaxing (not planed) and a whole load of fun! :)
Agreed to watch movie wif 2 of them on Tues (the other working, so can't). Plan: meet early to book tix then lunch then movie. Actual outcome: one turned up >1hr late, so 2of us chatted/hunted for snack whilst waiting & coz the 3rd came rather late, no time for lunch, we wandered to get the latecomer a snack before heading for the movie. PUSS IN BOOTS WAS GREAT!!!! :D :D :D An enjoyably good animation never fails to make my life brighten up! ^.^ Really really enjoyed Puss in Boots. :):):) So after movie, walked for 30min before eating lunch at 3pm (catch the late aft offer!), then the spontaneous idea of visiting the 4th came.
But coz I din't expect us to end so late (thot after movie go home le), so din't bring my medicine out.. So the two accompanied me back to my place, so I can take my drugs, and sun bian spent an hour teaching guitar. By the time we reached summerset, it was 6.15pm, and as we looked ard for our fren serving in the F&B, cldn't see, called & found out having dinner, so we trio went to see winter clothes on discount, coz the 3rd was flying to US soon for a sem. Then going back to surprise visit the 4th, we went in one by one. So fun! J. was at the entrance selling cookies, and I. went in first, then called W. say go find J. at the entrance of which W. thot the entrance of the kitchen! (lol!!!) so W. walked in, not seeing J., got redirected by I., and hahas. Appeared before J. who alrdy saw W. walked in. Surprise fail. Then my turn. I. called me & told me J. selling cookie at entrance, go buy! So I sneaked closer, hiding behind a random person passing by, and kinda jumped in front of J. and said "I'll like to buy a cookie too!". *stunned* hahas. (surprise king success! xD ) So anyways, the 3 of us tried some food there, since it's the first for W. and me, which J. paid for us (not supposed to. :(:(:( ) coz so touched by us coming down & brightening up the otherwise dull work life. ^.^
Fast-forwarding… I. had another meeting at Dhoby, so adios. W. & myself were still hungry, so went food court to grab more food. After which, was showing W. the elephant display , suggesting whether we shd say hi again to J. before we go, which wld be another surprise coz J. wld haf definitely thot we had gone home alrdy. Hahas. In the end, J. surprised us! Suddenly appearing beside us! *stunned* "I thot you OT-ing today.,.." so since 1st floor 313 very noisy, J. brought us two to Orchard Central rooftop where we cld talk/catch up better & enjoy the night too. Later, I. smsed J. after dhoby mtg to see if J. had ended work, so I. came up Orchard Central rooftop, found us, and we all finally headed home.
Wow. What a day. 3friends whom I've long not had a good interaction with, I spent the entire day with. From 11am till past 10pm. Lunch, movie, guitar, dinner, rooftop. Splendid. Had good one-to-one interaction, enjoyable happy time with two, and spontaneously, coincidentally relaxing time with three. How things turned out that day was such a surprise; so spontaneously! What was thot to be a lunch & movie (4hrs meetup) became extending to 6hrs at my place, extended to 9hrs to surprise J., 10hrs to have proper dinner, 11+hrs as we 'bumped' once again into J. & later I. Was a very happy person, though still felt tired easily due to illness.
On that day, I. requested our company to go down chinatown the next day (wed). So spent the late afternoon wif I., and joined by J. & W. for dinner & dessert.
Tis the account of my wonderfully, enjoyably spent week of which I was unwell. A nice way to 'celebrate' post-exams., though all the better if I wasn't unwell, and also had a day for myself (going out does make me tired, although I really enjoyed the close company of the week, esp tues. ^.^)
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Casuarina Trip! :D
Supeb enjoyable time with my girlfriends today. ^.^
You're the group that's often fulfilling the wishes I have. Enjoyed Casuarina, Lower Pierce, Salted Caramel & Tau Huey! But most imptly, enjoyed tremondously the relaxing afternoon with my besties! Thanks!! :D
Looking forward to the next meet-up, after everyone's sem-end mad rush is all over. :)
You're the group that's often fulfilling the wishes I have. Enjoyed Casuarina, Lower Pierce, Salted Caramel & Tau Huey! But most imptly, enjoyed tremondously the relaxing afternoon with my besties! Thanks!! :D
Looking forward to the next meet-up, after everyone's sem-end mad rush is all over. :)
I don't like friendship issues >.< .
Since last night, everything was working well, and I believe it would had, if you didn't pop by and make me question my decision and outlook all over again.
Guess the more I should go sleep now.
1+am, 07/11/11
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Very very confused.
Guess the more I should go sleep now.
1+am, 07/11/11
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Very very confused.
Lord, help.
I want Your yoke and Your burden, Your will and Your destiny;
Not my desires nor my dilemmas, nor my confusion nor my struggles.
Let me only have You; scared to be hurt and to hope again.
12+am, 07/11/11
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"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ... For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." ~Matthew 11: 28,30
Saturday at 11:32pm
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Sometimes when no matter how openly you think, smth still don't make sense, you just choose the perception that'll protect you the most. Since reality lies in one's perception.
Saturday at 12:03pm
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5th Consecutive Day already... I NEED the cloud of gloom to get lost and stop haunting me.
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5th Consecutive Day already... I NEED the cloud of gloom to get lost and stop haunting me.
November 2 at 11:47pm
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My 2 major pet peeves - RUDENESS and pple IGNORING me.
I've ever shared: I rather pple come straight up to me, tell me politely that they don't appreciate my company and will rather not be my friends than to have them ignore me and I struggle & struggle to figure out what they are thinking and why they are ignoring me.
Recently BOTH my pet peeves occurred. :(
November 2 at 8:54pm
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Choose: What car are you today? 1st November 2011
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The bus was freezing!! Soooo much colder than tonight's exam venue. || Have a bad feeling about today's exam becoz even with time ticking and the paper before me, 我心不在焉。Sighs. Can't wait for this week to be over. :P
November 1 at 12:43am
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My 2 major pet peeves - RUDENESS and pple IGNORING me.
I've ever shared: I rather pple come straight up to me, tell me politely that they don't appreciate my company and will rather not be my friends than to have them ignore me and I struggle & struggle to figure out what they are thinking and why they are ignoring me.
Recently BOTH my pet peeves occurred. :(
November 2 at 8:54pm
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Choose: What car are you today? 1st November 2011
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The bus was freezing!! Soooo much colder than tonight's exam venue. || Have a bad feeling about today's exam becoz even with time ticking and the paper before me, 我心不在焉。Sighs. Can't wait for this week to be over. :P
November 1 at 12:43am
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The many roles I play
I'm a daughter, a sister, a leader, a cell-member;
a group member, a classmate, a student, a friend;
a daughter of God, an ambassador for Christ, a tuition teacher;
above all, I am an individual with self-desires, needs and wants.
Anything more, I don't need I can shoulder. Lord, grant me not just strength to balance my responsibilities and roles, but time as well. Amen.
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
a group member, a classmate, a student, a friend;
a daughter of God, an ambassador for Christ, a tuition teacher;
above all, I am an individual with self-desires, needs and wants.
Anything more, I don't need I can shoulder. Lord, grant me not just strength to balance my responsibilities and roles, but time as well. Amen.
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
Sand painting @ AMK Hub
Had a WONDERFUL!!! afternoon wif Jos after a crazy week of 3 exams --> Mid-term 2 week.
Superb enjoyable & relaxing time of chitchatting over late lunch and over doing art & craft. Relived many younger adolescent memories, as well as childhood days, and shared our heart and POVs too.
Superb enjoyable & relaxing time of chitchatting over late lunch and over doing art & craft. Relived many younger adolescent memories, as well as childhood days, and shared our heart and POVs too.
A Triad
"A Triad simple means a group of three."
Why do I need to worry about a triad? Seriously, if I think carefully about it, there isn't any longer a triad for the longest of time. It died out quite a while ago. It just didn't sink in for me.
We used to be a triad, for a period of time. However, the disadvantage of a triad, as studied during my Sociology 101 module, is that among the three, there'll be one person who'll feel more left out. And well, since in our triad, the two of them were the best of buddies whose water is thicker than blood long before any of them know of my existence, naturally i'll be the solo one here, the one with the least similarities and shortest friendship history, who'll feel left out. Not surprising, and not anyone's fault.
To be precise, it looks more like the two of them, the pair, "adopted" me in, and then we became a triad. I admit honestly, that there were a number of times when I question the friendship we have.
(If you're reading this, I want you to know it's not your fault, but I do think a lot and sometimes too skeptically/critically upon friendships due to the deep scars I have inflicted on myself in the past that have caused me to lose much confidence and esteem in myself).
There were times, I was telling Jos the other day much to her surprise, when I dwelled on the possibility and perhaps temporally believed that the friendship you two offered me was one more of charity.
Let me explain why:
Firstly, you two are tight. There was no need for me. I just happen to come along the way and 'barge' in. *shrugs* And here I am, the loner as usual. Although I have close groups of friends, but I'm usually walking life alone and wandering/floating btw groups of people. And I guess you 'adopted' me in, in your beautiful niceness, you extended your friendship to this person who gives a lot but is always looking for a very close circle to cling on to and gain support from.
So maybe, just maybe, you decided to be charitable and extend the strong support you two cld give, especially since we initially seem to share a lot of commonalities - serving in specialized ministries where our impact group was the younger generations, being away from most of our peers, not taking the conventional route of our peers, having a heart of love for a particular family of friends in church, keeping a strict righteous life as much as we can and encouraging our fellow bros/sis-in-Christ to do likewise, loving the same group of pple and wanting to bless their lives, etc.
That started off well, but as times go by, and your two lives start being more similar once again, and I open myself more to the group of fellow leaders I'm serving alongside with, we distant. The few times I am with you, there will be pockets of time where I feel left out as you talk about things that happen/pple you have in common, of which I couldn't be a part of, although you do try to make me feel included by explaining some of the things that happen. But I rather you didn't.
Sidenote:
Same as I was telling my sister the other day, I do not want to hear the stories of what happen to the NTU sat dinner/dinner with other campus pple, etc, which she never fails to tell me week after week. Already feeling kinda left out/isolate/secluded from my peers, I don't need reminders of how life might be like should I have chosen the other road. I do no longer want to be tempted again to desire the other path when I know this is the path God wants me to grow in and bless others. Although I love this path, I am tempted at times to desire the others and to desire for the comfort, security, and closeness with my peers. So I don't want my sister to indirectly put temptation across my path.Nor do I want you tempting me to think of moving into your ministry, for I too have considered that route before.
coming back to the point of charity...
Thirdly, usually (as far as I can rmb at the moment, which may be biased and I apologise for my narrow-mindedness as I am currently at this period) I am the one approaching you two to share my life and go to you two when I have a problem. Yes, you share your lives with me too, but rather, I seem to recall that it is usually not an initiative from you, but rather as a response to my sharing or when I talked to you, asked you, or catch something from your speech and probe deeper.
I know you'll probably say that I've blessed your life as much as you've blessed mine. Perhaps so. But another way to look at it is, well, we're equal. You gave me charity, and I repaid your kindness to me. Perhaps it's my warp expectational mindset. For if the friendship is equal, like the two of you have, I guess the initiation to share lives and to share events that happen, and to share probs, and to ask for help/prayer would be well, on both sides, relatively equally. But rather, to illustrate it, it looks like it's me coming to you for charity, you giving, and you sharing smth so that I can repay the kindness by giving back to your lives.
Sounds like I've been thinking too much right? :P
But the truth is, many think too little. And isn't this a highly possible situation to occur in the world?
It can happen if one thing... there ARE very very VERY NICE people in this world. And I believe that the two of you are; You two are two of the nicest people in the world, with two of the biggest hearts ever.
Which means that this speculation is highly possible. >.<
Dear the two of you,
if you ever come across it, though I doubt so, I want to say a very very BIG THANK YOU to you two. Thank you for being such great close friends whom I can trust, confide in, gain support from, and at times simply hang out together or study together. :) Thanks for being such great encouragers to my life and really being there when I needed people. Thanks for being there in my downs, and even to fulfil my destressing wishes at times, for example when I'm simply looking for people to watch a movie to destress after exams. Thanks for the many sacrifices of your time and sharing of snacks with me as we study together. Thanks for being my studying companions many a times.
In those stressful, transiting months through my ministry as well as Uni, thanks for being there. You two really helped see me through that one year especially in this one year when we were a triad. Thank you, from the very deep down bottom of my heart, for your friendship. Thank you for your love. Thank you for everything that you have done, of which words of thanks is insufficient to bring out the deep gratitude I have for you two.
I'm sorry if what I said above about our friendship is wrong and you're hurt by it. I know you're sincere, and I truly never once doubt it. Do understand that being me, being Rachel, I do look at times beneath even people's consciousness, and perhaps this may be what is happening. I've really been blessed by you two, but I think it's time I let go and let things be the way it was, and I guess, the way it should be. A pair rather than a triad, as already it seems for a while to be moving towards. (I just didn't admit it sooner I guess)
I love my grads a lot. And I love you two a lot too, my dear brothers and friends. Continue to stand strong and be the great support towards each other; continue to be the best bossom buddies ever lived in this century; continue to be the modern David and Jonathan whose covenantal friendship is coveted by many. Be open, share your lives with one another, and continue to support each other in the years ahead. I shall leave you two as it is, and I shall take a step back. Don't be surprise if suddenly it seems that I'm quiet, withdrawn and don't seem to care about you two. You two are special friends in my life whom I'll always care and love, like my grads alike.
However, it's time I step back and let you two lead your lives without me as I continue to wander in search of friends to bless, and to search for a very very close inner circle of whom I can finally settle peacefully down with. Don't worry, the search has been for years, what difference will it make if I add more years to it? I've survived, and will continue to survive, crying often to the Lord for help. May the two of your friendship stand the test of time and trials and may it continue to strengthen with time and may it NEVER EVER be threatened by anything.
Take care you two dear friends of mine,
and goodbye.
I'll still be around and I'll still be approachable, but I shall take a step back and stop bugging you I guess. But anytime you need me, you just need to call, and I'll be there. You two mean a lot to me, seriously.
Goodbye
I think I really gotta let go. Let go of a couple of close friendships. I don't think this will really work out in the long run. I've no faith. It always seem to happen with close friendships. It starts off well, and I seem to hope again. Then, somehow, something (or nothing) will happen, and deep down I know I need to let go. Again.
I think, I really need to let go of them. It's kinda torturous to be living dangling between. Regardless of how much I wished things were like in the past, I guess those days are over, and irreversible. Perhaps I was too naive to think that perhaps this round, it will be different. Things won't be the same. And the faster I let go of the close friendship, the faster I can stop expecting things and wishing to keep being updated/knowing what's going on in their lives.
It's time to let go.
This week seems like a very "letting go" week. It has always been, all these years anyway. Kinda sick and tired of it. Thought I said that too with my biggest friendship blow previously.. But I dunno why and I dunno how did I simply open myself so much to this couple of friends, sharing my life with them and 'living life together' - studying together, dinner together, chilling out together, doing things together... ...
But I guess it's time to let go. 不要在两世界当中徘徊了。sighs.
Truly, very very close friendships just don't seem to go well with. I don't think I'll ever be able to really, nearly totally, share my life with someone for good (meaning for the long-term). I don't care be it guy or gal. Be it a best friend, or a boy friend. I just want to be able to share my life with someone, and have someone to share his/her life back with me; to be able to watch each other's back and support one another; and well, simply chat, be it serious or on the surface stuff; someone I don't feel I need to hold back becoz there is a bidirectional commitment and openness to one another.
Perhaps I'm too idealistic. I dunno. All I know is 20years of my life I've waited, and it only goes to show each time how impossible it is. Last year, when I saw two friends of mine who were buddies and buddy-tight!, hope arose. Alas, a modern David and Jonathan... perhaps, it does exist/it can exist after all.
But now... perhaps they are the only ones in this world where "blood is thicker than water" does not work on them.
Irregardless, I'm letting go of this close friendships I used to have with particular individuals, and I guess I'm letting go of the hope of my dream.
Though I know I won't be able to kill the dream; for a dream is a dream, and it's there for me to dream, though hopelessly.
An angel sent
wow. dint expect my cry for God to send His angels really led to me receiving help today to regain my aligned perspective back again. I hate being unaligned and struggling in those challenges and situations. Never did i expect help to really come, from a totally unexpected source too. Not any of the usual sources, but from a sister whom i know personally, very easy to talk to cheerful person, my last year church camp room buddy. :)
Yup. Help came from me just randomly commenting on her sms nick, of which i just *shrugs-at-the-turn-of-events* happen to share wif her a little, and then she picked up on it and asked my number to give me a call to talk more about it. I hesistated. seriously. Devil definitely dint want me to receive any help at all. *duh!* And first time when such help arrive at such timing, I really hesistated and took some time to think about it. In the end, I decided to give it a go. (after all i've never turned down a sincere initiative)
So, she called and we talked an an hour and half approx. and i really thank God for that. I smsed her later: "Thank u for ur time,ur listening ear,ur sharing,ur opinion n ur prayer.Guess that helps put the devil words away,n God's perspective back again. :) good night."
One thing she said to me as we were ending our convo was, "Dont worry about burdening people when you call. Sometimes, it's good for the other person too. They might need it."
Indeed God is faithful. Every time i struggle real hard, He'll send someone (an 'angel') to help me. When I feel lost, discouraged, disheartened, down and out, really emo-ed, He'll send someone along to listen to me, give me opinions, comfort me, encourage me or even pray for me.
It brings me back to 1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
There have seemed to be a cycle. A very hard pruning challenge/situation that gets me all emotional. That's the test/temptation that helps me mould my character in Him. However, when it becomes overwhelming for me and I cant take it/cant trust God and wanna go crazy, He never fails to send help/encouragement/comfort. Same today. Indeed, He will NEVER let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. He'll give me the chance to immediately trust in Him, to try to overcome it. But when I have more or less given up and call to Him for help, He never fails to send someone to my rescue on His behalf.
thank you sY. thanks a lot! God bless ur soul.
Yup. Help came from me just randomly commenting on her sms nick, of which i just *shrugs-at-the-turn-of-events* happen to share wif her a little, and then she picked up on it and asked my number to give me a call to talk more about it. I hesistated. seriously. Devil definitely dint want me to receive any help at all. *duh!* And first time when such help arrive at such timing, I really hesistated and took some time to think about it. In the end, I decided to give it a go. (after all i've never turned down a sincere initiative)
So, she called and we talked an an hour and half approx. and i really thank God for that. I smsed her later: "Thank u for ur time,ur listening ear,ur sharing,ur opinion n ur prayer.Guess that helps put the devil words away,n God's perspective back again. :) good night."
One thing she said to me as we were ending our convo was, "Dont worry about burdening people when you call. Sometimes, it's good for the other person too. They might need it."
Indeed God is faithful. Every time i struggle real hard, He'll send someone (an 'angel') to help me. When I feel lost, discouraged, disheartened, down and out, really emo-ed, He'll send someone along to listen to me, give me opinions, comfort me, encourage me or even pray for me.
It brings me back to 1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
There have seemed to be a cycle. A very hard pruning challenge/situation that gets me all emotional. That's the test/temptation that helps me mould my character in Him. However, when it becomes overwhelming for me and I cant take it/cant trust God and wanna go crazy, He never fails to send help/encouragement/comfort. Same today. Indeed, He will NEVER let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. He'll give me the chance to immediately trust in Him, to try to overcome it. But when I have more or less given up and call to Him for help, He never fails to send someone to my rescue on His behalf.
thank you sY. thanks a lot! God bless ur soul.
Very thankful for the peace of God today and for His mercy and grace in my maths paper. thankful for the support and prayers of 2 friends yesterday. Thankful for the time of chilling & relaxing and rewarding oneself with queen after maths today as the down-to-pastamania-to-grab-banana-pizza-dessert ended up to become 1-for-1-swensons-lunch+chilling-cum-window-shopping-cum-playing+fellowship = 3.5hrs LOL.
5 pals gathering...
THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTS 2!!!!!
haha. had an in-house movie at my place, we 5 pals... long time no good meet-up together. Last time we're all together.. dear's bday, but that could only be a short while, and becoz we're actually all so tired, we couldnt do much either. But today, i love the teasing around the table, the jokes, the laughter, the comebacks, the countless nearly-causing-indigestions-and/or-merlions-spilling out water scenarios, laughing a little about old times, and just having fun and fellowship.
And sometimes, it's simple things like these that make the world for me. I guess that's my love language.. quality time... sometimes, that's all i ask. :) but sometimes it just seems too hard for pple in a country like singapore where everyone is just so busy busy busy, and soon become very absorbed with themselves. xp i'm no exception.
I ENJOYED TONIGHT... thanks for planning, thanks for coming. =D
sidenote:i took a quiz for fun that says "Which Sisterhood guy are you most likely to date?"
and i got... ...Kostos (that cheater! xp but romantic greek! haha. who has the ability to unlock the heart of a closed-up girl and help her discover who she really is inside)
[Get ready for an exotic adventure to unknown ports of the world as you throw caution to the wind and follow your deepest desires. This International Man of Romance will always keep you on your toes.] LOL. haha.. but this round, Ian attracts me more than Kostos.. maybe for the fact that Kostos was hardly in the scenes this round, and Ian was romantically sweet in the drama way.
sometimes, i feel a lot like Carman. seriously. in terms of friendship, in terms of self. *nod* and also like her, i dont do anything about it. hehe. xD
haha. had an in-house movie at my place, we 5 pals... long time no good meet-up together. Last time we're all together.. dear's bday, but that could only be a short while, and becoz we're actually all so tired, we couldnt do much either. But today, i love the teasing around the table, the jokes, the laughter, the comebacks, the countless nearly-causing-indigestions-and/or-merlions-spilling out water scenarios, laughing a little about old times, and just having fun and fellowship.
And sometimes, it's simple things like these that make the world for me. I guess that's my love language.. quality time... sometimes, that's all i ask. :) but sometimes it just seems too hard for pple in a country like singapore where everyone is just so busy busy busy, and soon become very absorbed with themselves. xp i'm no exception.
I ENJOYED TONIGHT... thanks for planning, thanks for coming. =D
sidenote:i took a quiz for fun that says "Which Sisterhood guy are you most likely to date?"
and i got... ...Kostos (that cheater! xp but romantic greek! haha. who has the ability to unlock the heart of a closed-up girl and help her discover who she really is inside)
[Get ready for an exotic adventure to unknown ports of the world as you throw caution to the wind and follow your deepest desires. This International Man of Romance will always keep you on your toes.] LOL. haha.. but this round, Ian attracts me more than Kostos.. maybe for the fact that Kostos was hardly in the scenes this round, and Ian was romantically sweet in the drama way.
sometimes, i feel a lot like Carman. seriously. in terms of friendship, in terms of self. *nod* and also like her, i dont do anything about it. hehe. xD
To My Frens
i composed this song with a particular friend in mind, becoz i was unsure how to comfort and cheer this person up. so i composed the song, out of the love and care of a friend, of which i have for all my friends.
And as i composed this song with this particular friend in mind, i realised that this is a song not just for that one person, but generally, it's a song from my heart to all my friends out there. Really. For any of my friends who when you feel down and out, I do hope you'll hear this song and be encouraged. And know that, even if i cant cheer you up, i'll be here for you. I may not be good at taking initiative to go forth and comfort you even when I notice you're down, becoz i'm not say very good at comforting people. But i offer you my presence, my ears, my friendship, my shoulder if you want it. If you just need someone to listen or just be by your side, feel free to drop me a line/sms/msn/email.
To My Fren
Cheer up, my dear friend
dont let things get you down
sometimes life seems so meaningless
but just look around
If i can, i'll help you to put
Up a smiley face
If i can, i'll tell you a joke
Just to hear your laugh
If i can, i'll give you some sweets
to sweeten up your spirit
If i cant do all these,
know that i'll be here for you
Bitterness may come
Sadness may fill your heart
Anger may sometimes
wish to eat you up
But dont give up
there's still beauty around
Take a look at the sky
and remember that you still have me
I may not know how to cheer you up
I may not know what is going on
I may not know how you feel right now
But know that i'll be here if you need me
Because you are my friend
http://www.imeem.com/ignite4him/music/wXwTZoLZ/king-rachel-to-my-fren
And as i composed this song with this particular friend in mind, i realised that this is a song not just for that one person, but generally, it's a song from my heart to all my friends out there. Really. For any of my friends who when you feel down and out, I do hope you'll hear this song and be encouraged. And know that, even if i cant cheer you up, i'll be here for you. I may not be good at taking initiative to go forth and comfort you even when I notice you're down, becoz i'm not say very good at comforting people. But i offer you my presence, my ears, my friendship, my shoulder if you want it. If you just need someone to listen or just be by your side, feel free to drop me a line/sms/msn/email.
To My Fren
Cheer up, my dear friend
dont let things get you down
sometimes life seems so meaningless
but just look around
If i can, i'll help you to put
Up a smiley face
If i can, i'll tell you a joke
Just to hear your laugh
If i can, i'll give you some sweets
to sweeten up your spirit
If i cant do all these,
know that i'll be here for you
Bitterness may come
Sadness may fill your heart
Anger may sometimes
wish to eat you up
But dont give up
there's still beauty around
Take a look at the sky
and remember that you still have me
I may not know how to cheer you up
I may not know what is going on
I may not know how you feel right now
But know that i'll be here if you need me
Because you are my friend
http://www.imeem.com/ignite4him/music/wXwTZoLZ/king-rachel-to-my-fren
wanna watch the sisterhood of the travelling pants 2!!! wanna meet up with that old group of kakis!!! wanna spend time with them!!! wanna have fun with them!!! wanna tease each other what kinda boyfriends will we help each other look out for again!!! haha. only my twinnie got one, and i'm suspecting someone else too. haha. but i shall not say until she says. hehe.
I seem to get pretty worried and concern when i see friends who are troubled and arent saying it. It's not about whether they share or not. It's just that when they choose to struggle by themselves and shut people off, it gets me pretty concerned, and most of the time I'm at a loss of what to do and feel like running away.
It's on the contrary though that I'm not so burdened when people are sharing with me their troubles and problems. Usually i'm more burdened knowing that my friend is struggling by himself/herself. If you dont wish to share becoz it's personal, it's okay. You can always tell me, "Rach, i'm tired/troubled. Can you just accompany me for a while?" If you dont want me to probe, i wont. unless i think its pretty serious.
It's on the contrary though that I'm not so burdened when people are sharing with me their troubles and problems. Usually i'm more burdened knowing that my friend is struggling by himself/herself. If you dont wish to share becoz it's personal, it's okay. You can always tell me, "Rach, i'm tired/troubled. Can you just accompany me for a while?" If you dont want me to probe, i wont. unless i think its pretty serious.
It's not that I dont want or dont like. Most pple dont bother find out. =) haha. Yes, i do like plays and i do wish so much to go watch productions, but firstly no one to go with, and most importantly, cash-strapped. xp i fell in love with threatre works when i watched my very 1st musical with my sec school @ Esplanade - "The Forbidden City". I never regretted it. I totally loved every second of it! that's why I was excited to go for my 2nd play - Avenue Q, especially on high recommendations, and pple from school were going (which means i got company).
If time, finance, and opportunities arise, I will love to join anyone to watch plays/musicals. but apparently, I'm left on the shelf listening to pple talking about plays and stuffs, but knowing not what's going on. XD but i'm alright, used to it already. Like I was telling my good fren on monday, Actually there are quite a lot of thigns I'm interested in, if i'm introduced further to them. I would have loved mango & anime should I have continued hanging out with 2 particular church frens of mine who are Jap-crazy! haha. I enjoyed reading the books they lend me, and watching anime shows shown by my sec sch teacher during post-exam. I even wanted to borrow the whole series from her. haha. XD
However, these opportunities diminish, and being a lazy person who hasnt yet grown such a passion to choose to pursue these then minor interests, I dint do anything about it, and anime/manga kinda seeped out of my life, until i go JC that is, with 'Ignorance' and the comics that intrigues me, but not to the extent of trying to read oldern chinese words. XD
I enjoy watching movies too, and besides being a little cash-strapped and slighted more choosy with the genres of movies, I wouldnt mind going out on a movie date with frens. haha. But usually, pple wont think of asking me. XD haha. if pple include me more in their favourite activities, like my older frens used to, you'll probably be surprise of the amount of similiar fun stuffs I will love doing too. haha. XD
If time, finance, and opportunities arise, I will love to join anyone to watch plays/musicals. but apparently, I'm left on the shelf listening to pple talking about plays and stuffs, but knowing not what's going on. XD but i'm alright, used to it already. Like I was telling my good fren on monday, Actually there are quite a lot of thigns I'm interested in, if i'm introduced further to them. I would have loved mango & anime should I have continued hanging out with 2 particular church frens of mine who are Jap-crazy! haha. I enjoyed reading the books they lend me, and watching anime shows shown by my sec sch teacher during post-exam. I even wanted to borrow the whole series from her. haha. XD
However, these opportunities diminish, and being a lazy person who hasnt yet grown such a passion to choose to pursue these then minor interests, I dint do anything about it, and anime/manga kinda seeped out of my life, until i go JC that is, with 'Ignorance' and the comics that intrigues me, but not to the extent of trying to read oldern chinese words. XD
I enjoy watching movies too, and besides being a little cash-strapped and slighted more choosy with the genres of movies, I wouldnt mind going out on a movie date with frens. haha. But usually, pple wont think of asking me. XD haha. if pple include me more in their favourite activities, like my older frens used to, you'll probably be surprise of the amount of similiar fun stuffs I will love doing too. haha. XD
Flashes of the mind
The magic that used to be between us seems to be fading off. Is this an indication that I should let go of you and move on?
----------------------------------------------------
Someone yesterday asked me: "If i give you 3 wishes, what would you wish for?"
I thought hard... i thought long... i dont want more wishes, becoz i cant even think about one to wish for...
1min later... "I wish that people around me will have real joy and love in their lives"
2min later... "I wish for a best friend here on earth"
4min later... "I wish things were not so complicated"
...................... silence at the other side .......................
----------------------------------------------------
Why are things so complicated? or is it just me... ... ... ...
----------------------------------------------------
I feel like letting go. I feel like running away. I feel like giving up. I want to lock up those doors of my heart.
----------------------------------------------------
Watched finish 'Remember the Titans' yesterday during CT period. One of the best movie I ever saw. a reflection: "Sometimes when you know you tried your best. That's enough."
If they can do it why not I? If they're willing to risk all, give up things close to their heart to just keep trying for what they believe and know is right, why am i so ready to give up? Racial tensions so strong; families, girlfriend, school friends forsake them, do not understand them; fame reached out to them... yet they did not give up. they persisted. despite their difficulties, their challenges, threats to endanger the lives of their loved ones, a very fatal accident, differences and disagreements... they pressed on, TOGETHER. They did not give up. They did not let go. They won.
If despite all the risks and sacrifices they have to make, they still did not give up... who am I to give up and give in to my fears, to my self-pity...
If they can try, I should try too. At least i wont have any regrets. At least i know i've tried. But man! it's just so hard... sigh...
----------------------------------------------------
Maybe things just werent meant to be, between us, you and me.
----------------------------------------------------
"Yeah. I hope you boys have learned as much from me this year as I've learned from you. You've taught this city how to trust the soul of a man rather than the look of him. And I guess it's about time I joined the club." by Coach Yoast
----------------------------------------------------
Are you also another seasonal friend? Is this how things work out in my life?
----------------------------------------------------
Coach Boone: What are you?
Team: Mobile, agile, hostile!
Coach Boone: What is pain?
Team: French bread!
Coach Boone: What is fatigue?
Team: Army clothes!
Coach Boone: Will you ever quit?
Team: No! We want some mo', we want some mo', we want some mo'!
----------------------------------------------------
Friends come, friends go. Am i going to let all of them slip by me time again and again? shouldn't i be used to it by now?
----------------------------------------------------
"This is no democracy. This is a dictatorship. I am the law. If you survive camp, you will be on the team. If you survive." by Coach Boone
----------------------------------------------------
No, I cannot give up. I shouldnt give up. I should press on.
----------------------------------------------------
"So what we won a few games. And y'll fools think that's something? Man, that aint nothing y'll. And you know what else, we aint nothing either. Yea, we came together in camp. Cool. But then we're right back here and the world tells us they don't want us to be together. We fall apart like we aint a damn bit of nothing man. And y'll think we won something? Man, we aint won nothing y'll. Nothing." by Blue Stanton
----------------------------------------------------
Why can i do? what should i do? maybe i'm not trying hard enough? what more can i do?
----------------------------------------------------
"People say that it can't work, black and white. Here, we make it work every day. We still have our disagreements, of course, but before we reach for hate, always, always, we remember the Titans." by Sheryl
----------------------------------------------------
I do not want a repeat of last year again. Once is enough. I do not ever want to really run and hide away from God again.
----------------------------------------------------
"It's all right. We're in a fight. You boys are doing all that you can do. Anybody can see that. Win or lose... We gonna walk out of this stadium tonight with our heads held high. Do your best. That's all anybody can ask for." by Coach Boone
----------------------------------------------------
Am i trying too hard? Should i just lie back and stop trying and let life just run by itself?
----------------------------------------------------
"Sometimes life is hard for no reason at all." by Carol Boone
----------------------------------------------------
Why do I seem to be taking my friends for granted again? When can i stop doubting my friends, my friendships with others, and most importantly myself?
----------------------------------------------------
"Well, you're the captain. You make a decision, but you support your decision." by Coach Boone
----------------------------------------------------
I need to stop reading your blogs, stop thinking too much and stop allowing my heart to grow heavy. i love you my dear friends. sigh.
----------------------------------------------------
茫茫人海 虽然寂寞
他爱能 温暖一切冷漠
慢慢长夜 陪你走过
他爱你 伴你一生之久
----------------------------------------------------
Someone yesterday asked me: "If i give you 3 wishes, what would you wish for?"
I thought hard... i thought long... i dont want more wishes, becoz i cant even think about one to wish for...
1min later... "I wish that people around me will have real joy and love in their lives"
2min later... "I wish for a best friend here on earth"
4min later... "I wish things were not so complicated"
...................... silence at the other side .......................
----------------------------------------------------
Why are things so complicated? or is it just me... ... ... ...
----------------------------------------------------
I feel like letting go. I feel like running away. I feel like giving up. I want to lock up those doors of my heart.
----------------------------------------------------
Watched finish 'Remember the Titans' yesterday during CT period. One of the best movie I ever saw. a reflection: "Sometimes when you know you tried your best. That's enough."
If they can do it why not I? If they're willing to risk all, give up things close to their heart to just keep trying for what they believe and know is right, why am i so ready to give up? Racial tensions so strong; families, girlfriend, school friends forsake them, do not understand them; fame reached out to them... yet they did not give up. they persisted. despite their difficulties, their challenges, threats to endanger the lives of their loved ones, a very fatal accident, differences and disagreements... they pressed on, TOGETHER. They did not give up. They did not let go. They won.
If despite all the risks and sacrifices they have to make, they still did not give up... who am I to give up and give in to my fears, to my self-pity...
If they can try, I should try too. At least i wont have any regrets. At least i know i've tried. But man! it's just so hard... sigh...
----------------------------------------------------
Maybe things just werent meant to be, between us, you and me.
----------------------------------------------------
"Yeah. I hope you boys have learned as much from me this year as I've learned from you. You've taught this city how to trust the soul of a man rather than the look of him. And I guess it's about time I joined the club." by Coach Yoast
----------------------------------------------------
Are you also another seasonal friend? Is this how things work out in my life?
----------------------------------------------------
Coach Boone: What are you?
Team: Mobile, agile, hostile!
Coach Boone: What is pain?
Team: French bread!
Coach Boone: What is fatigue?
Team: Army clothes!
Coach Boone: Will you ever quit?
Team: No! We want some mo', we want some mo', we want some mo'!
----------------------------------------------------
Friends come, friends go. Am i going to let all of them slip by me time again and again? shouldn't i be used to it by now?
----------------------------------------------------
"This is no democracy. This is a dictatorship. I am the law. If you survive camp, you will be on the team. If you survive." by Coach Boone
----------------------------------------------------
No, I cannot give up. I shouldnt give up. I should press on.
----------------------------------------------------
"So what we won a few games. And y'll fools think that's something? Man, that aint nothing y'll. And you know what else, we aint nothing either. Yea, we came together in camp. Cool. But then we're right back here and the world tells us they don't want us to be together. We fall apart like we aint a damn bit of nothing man. And y'll think we won something? Man, we aint won nothing y'll. Nothing." by Blue Stanton
----------------------------------------------------
Why can i do? what should i do? maybe i'm not trying hard enough? what more can i do?
----------------------------------------------------
"People say that it can't work, black and white. Here, we make it work every day. We still have our disagreements, of course, but before we reach for hate, always, always, we remember the Titans." by Sheryl
----------------------------------------------------
I do not want a repeat of last year again. Once is enough. I do not ever want to really run and hide away from God again.
----------------------------------------------------
"It's all right. We're in a fight. You boys are doing all that you can do. Anybody can see that. Win or lose... We gonna walk out of this stadium tonight with our heads held high. Do your best. That's all anybody can ask for." by Coach Boone
----------------------------------------------------
Am i trying too hard? Should i just lie back and stop trying and let life just run by itself?
----------------------------------------------------
"Sometimes life is hard for no reason at all." by Carol Boone
----------------------------------------------------
Why do I seem to be taking my friends for granted again? When can i stop doubting my friends, my friendships with others, and most importantly myself?
----------------------------------------------------
"Well, you're the captain. You make a decision, but you support your decision." by Coach Boone
----------------------------------------------------
I need to stop reading your blogs, stop thinking too much and stop allowing my heart to grow heavy. i love you my dear friends. sigh.
----------------------------------------------------
茫茫人海 虽然寂寞
他爱能 温暖一切冷漠
慢慢长夜 陪你走过
他爱你 伴你一生之久
Drama Night... TIMEPIECES!!!
YEA! TIMEPIECES 1st night went splendid! not perfect, a few hiccups, but nonetheless overally splendid! one more night to go! cant wait. it all just seems to fast. at the end of the entire night yesterday, i kept asking many pple.. "we just finished one night of drama night? really? it doesnt feel like. am i dreaming? is this just another rehearsal?"
haha... i was so so hyped up just before drama night, and after my own play... i seemed to went nearly hysterical with the excitement. and praise God for that! becoz, honestly speaking i had a very very bad afternoon that put me in quite a bad mood. yes, it so seemed that though my previous post was saying so much about how the week had been good and stuff, there comes a pitfall yesterday to put me in the test, or so it seemed. and i was really tempted. It was a struggle.
i was tired. i'm in lack of sleep. so was everyone else. i spent the entire afternoon yesterday doing nothing, and with hardly anyone to spend the time with me, everyone either busy with something, of which somehow i'm not. sigh. either that or the people who were idling around were very sian, very tired, very lost in their own world or something. i couldnt really find anyone to help cheer me up, to accompany me much... and i was just restless. but i understand. everyone was just so tired. people had lots of their mind, and others have to do makeup and costume, lights, sounds, and stuffs. i'm not blaming anyone here, nor am i expecting anyone to accompany me, nor am i complaining. i am just stating how i felt here, so as an attempt for me to be more open here, and yet also for me to just voice things out and not suppress it inside. *wink* so pple who read, dont be worried, upset or take offense whatsoever. i do not and will not purposely state something that i do not mean.
anyways, too much unoccupied time for me.. is bad. being bored and restless, having nothing to do... thoughts start to wander. doubts seep in again. insecurity came. lies flooded my mind and tempted me to agree with it. i started to feel negative. and as time went by in the afternoon, as i move from one person to another, trying to get some company, i became more restless, more irritable, and more frustrated, though unseen (as usual).
and one of the thought tat came across...
maybe i should have kept quiet, maybe i should have said more.something that occurred to me thurs night. maybe i talked too much.i mean all i thot i was doing was to see something that could be improved on, then say it out just so we can have a better drama night. but apparently pple seem to receive it differently and badly.maybe it's the way i said them. i dunno. it's hard to tell. i mean i know you all are busy and stuff, so me being the very 'free' person for the fact that i dun need to change nor need to put make up, and always seem to be by myself for the fact that the active pple in my play are guys and they're always running off somewhere.. so being the bored me, i observe and comment. i just wanted to help. i just wanted to help you ensure drama night runs well, but apparently i seemed to be misunderstood. i'm not trying to act smart or bossing around or pointing out flaws to pull people down. it's just my character to point out places of improvements. i feel bad, guilty, and sometimes evil doing these.. and i wonder why. my intention is tat of helping that's all. i'm not saying you're bad at your job. No, you pple are doing a great job, seriously. i'm just picking up the scraps which some of us may have overlooked having so many other things to handle. i'm just free enough to do that i guess.
it's true that i may seem to critic a lot, but only so to help see improvements, that's all, nothing else really. i'm sorry if my tone was off and thus put you off. it's true that sometimes i feel unappreciated, but that's my problem so leave it to me to somehow settle it within myself. as long as improvements are made, that's half the comfort received. so when i saw the rubber stopper and the arrangement of the cast after their plays, i was quite contented. when girl and ted worked out their cue, there was just contentment. seeing JJ doing so well, and learning how to handle the mic, contentment again. i guess words arent often need to be said, sometimes actions brings comfort when words fail to come. =) at least i know i did what i can, and that's enough for me.
well... so restless ole me. i was worried about this superb restlessness i had. this restlessness and frustration and the feeling of sianness from doing nothing, and having nothing to do, and with hardly anyone's (not totally nobody) companionship. i mean, i could have find pple and stuff... believe me, i did. maybe not enough, but i did try. and an interesting thought occurred to me, how the past 2 nights provided dinner, i was eating with the J1s, or pple whom are more acquaintances than friends. interesting. esp since they're lots of friends in drama, more than 10. *shrugs* maybe that says something about the friendships i have... or maybe as usual, i'm thinking too much and analysing too much. xp but somehow i guess i feel more comfortable with acquaintances than friends nowadays. it's just light-hearted talks, which sometimes i fail to get with friends. *shrugs* i guess i'm too self-conscious. haha. no one's fault, just something i got to work out on my own, and that's tough. XD
but really thank God man! at 5.30pm with Tina getting us to do exercises and stuff, the first 'work'/thing i did the whole day... things started to shape up for me. with me going about taking photos just becoz i was bored, and just so that maybe i can 'lament' (tat's what i felt like doing then in the restlessness i had) what others are doing in groups while i'm 'alone' by myself... things started to lighten up. haha. the exercises with Tina got me going, and laughing, esp the ball game. and taking photos of my prettily made-up classmates.. haha. the atmosphere on me lightened up.
just before the start of the drama night, as we were all kept 'locked' backstage since the doors have opened and the audience were streaming in, in my excitement, i went around wishing everyone 'all the best'. that was after the lady admin and I prayed together for the event. realising how nervous pple are becoming, despite my own non-nervousness (for whatever reason... i was so hyped up and excited after the boring restless afternoon)... i decided to encourage them.. so i went about wishing everyone i can find "all the best". that put me back where i belonged on my feet again. and i 随口说说 "i'm back, and i mean not literally." not really expecting anyone to pick that up. haha. i'm back, back to my usual self. back to the self of my that's cheerful and love encouraging others, and not the dark, self-centred side of me that seemed to come out a lot nowadays. xp haha. i prayed with yt and lin, as my custom be it for last year's drama night, and during major exams, like the O-levels. this round though, i dared not extend to the whole group becoz i guess i'm self-conscious of the happenings last week and past the last weekend. xp but i'll never forget how last year's drama night, i just extended the prayer invitation to the entire cast and crew of the eunuch play, and it's surprising to see how non-christians dont mind the prayer at such nervous times. :)
i'm glad for the first prayer with lady admin. it helped me get geared back into who i am within and out. =)
and praise God, despite the few glitches like the phone went dead while i was talking... haha... it was WONDERFULLY SPLENDID!!! haha. i got so happy, hyped up and all, that after my own play, i was running, leaping and jumping outside the LT. Whhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee................
haha. i'm thankful for such a wonderful ending, that took my mind off the tempting lies and the running-off-of-my-mind in the afternoon. I praise God that i'm ending off the day yesterday on such a great tone. Hallelujah!
haha... i was so so hyped up just before drama night, and after my own play... i seemed to went nearly hysterical with the excitement. and praise God for that! becoz, honestly speaking i had a very very bad afternoon that put me in quite a bad mood. yes, it so seemed that though my previous post was saying so much about how the week had been good and stuff, there comes a pitfall yesterday to put me in the test, or so it seemed. and i was really tempted. It was a struggle.
i was tired. i'm in lack of sleep. so was everyone else. i spent the entire afternoon yesterday doing nothing, and with hardly anyone to spend the time with me, everyone either busy with something, of which somehow i'm not. sigh. either that or the people who were idling around were very sian, very tired, very lost in their own world or something. i couldnt really find anyone to help cheer me up, to accompany me much... and i was just restless. but i understand. everyone was just so tired. people had lots of their mind, and others have to do makeup and costume, lights, sounds, and stuffs. i'm not blaming anyone here, nor am i expecting anyone to accompany me, nor am i complaining. i am just stating how i felt here, so as an attempt for me to be more open here, and yet also for me to just voice things out and not suppress it inside. *wink* so pple who read, dont be worried, upset or take offense whatsoever. i do not and will not purposely state something that i do not mean.
anyways, too much unoccupied time for me.. is bad. being bored and restless, having nothing to do... thoughts start to wander. doubts seep in again. insecurity came. lies flooded my mind and tempted me to agree with it. i started to feel negative. and as time went by in the afternoon, as i move from one person to another, trying to get some company, i became more restless, more irritable, and more frustrated, though unseen (as usual).
and one of the thought tat came across...
maybe i should have kept quiet, maybe i should have said more.something that occurred to me thurs night. maybe i talked too much.i mean all i thot i was doing was to see something that could be improved on, then say it out just so we can have a better drama night. but apparently pple seem to receive it differently and badly.maybe it's the way i said them. i dunno. it's hard to tell. i mean i know you all are busy and stuff, so me being the very 'free' person for the fact that i dun need to change nor need to put make up, and always seem to be by myself for the fact that the active pple in my play are guys and they're always running off somewhere.. so being the bored me, i observe and comment. i just wanted to help. i just wanted to help you ensure drama night runs well, but apparently i seemed to be misunderstood. i'm not trying to act smart or bossing around or pointing out flaws to pull people down. it's just my character to point out places of improvements. i feel bad, guilty, and sometimes evil doing these.. and i wonder why. my intention is tat of helping that's all. i'm not saying you're bad at your job. No, you pple are doing a great job, seriously. i'm just picking up the scraps which some of us may have overlooked having so many other things to handle. i'm just free enough to do that i guess.
it's true that i may seem to critic a lot, but only so to help see improvements, that's all, nothing else really. i'm sorry if my tone was off and thus put you off. it's true that sometimes i feel unappreciated, but that's my problem so leave it to me to somehow settle it within myself. as long as improvements are made, that's half the comfort received. so when i saw the rubber stopper and the arrangement of the cast after their plays, i was quite contented. when girl and ted worked out their cue, there was just contentment. seeing JJ doing so well, and learning how to handle the mic, contentment again. i guess words arent often need to be said, sometimes actions brings comfort when words fail to come. =) at least i know i did what i can, and that's enough for me.
well... so restless ole me. i was worried about this superb restlessness i had. this restlessness and frustration and the feeling of sianness from doing nothing, and having nothing to do, and with hardly anyone's (not totally nobody) companionship. i mean, i could have find pple and stuff... believe me, i did. maybe not enough, but i did try. and an interesting thought occurred to me, how the past 2 nights provided dinner, i was eating with the J1s, or pple whom are more acquaintances than friends. interesting. esp since they're lots of friends in drama, more than 10. *shrugs* maybe that says something about the friendships i have... or maybe as usual, i'm thinking too much and analysing too much. xp but somehow i guess i feel more comfortable with acquaintances than friends nowadays. it's just light-hearted talks, which sometimes i fail to get with friends. *shrugs* i guess i'm too self-conscious. haha. no one's fault, just something i got to work out on my own, and that's tough. XD
but really thank God man! at 5.30pm with Tina getting us to do exercises and stuff, the first 'work'/thing i did the whole day... things started to shape up for me. with me going about taking photos just becoz i was bored, and just so that maybe i can 'lament' (tat's what i felt like doing then in the restlessness i had) what others are doing in groups while i'm 'alone' by myself... things started to lighten up. haha. the exercises with Tina got me going, and laughing, esp the ball game. and taking photos of my prettily made-up classmates.. haha. the atmosphere on me lightened up.
just before the start of the drama night, as we were all kept 'locked' backstage since the doors have opened and the audience were streaming in, in my excitement, i went around wishing everyone 'all the best'. that was after the lady admin and I prayed together for the event. realising how nervous pple are becoming, despite my own non-nervousness (for whatever reason... i was so hyped up and excited after the boring restless afternoon)... i decided to encourage them.. so i went about wishing everyone i can find "all the best". that put me back where i belonged on my feet again. and i 随口说说 "i'm back, and i mean not literally." not really expecting anyone to pick that up. haha. i'm back, back to my usual self. back to the self of my that's cheerful and love encouraging others, and not the dark, self-centred side of me that seemed to come out a lot nowadays. xp haha. i prayed with yt and lin, as my custom be it for last year's drama night, and during major exams, like the O-levels. this round though, i dared not extend to the whole group becoz i guess i'm self-conscious of the happenings last week and past the last weekend. xp but i'll never forget how last year's drama night, i just extended the prayer invitation to the entire cast and crew of the eunuch play, and it's surprising to see how non-christians dont mind the prayer at such nervous times. :)
i'm glad for the first prayer with lady admin. it helped me get geared back into who i am within and out. =)
and praise God, despite the few glitches like the phone went dead while i was talking... haha... it was WONDERFULLY SPLENDID!!! haha. i got so happy, hyped up and all, that after my own play, i was running, leaping and jumping outside the LT. Whhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee................
haha. i'm thankful for such a wonderful ending, that took my mind off the tempting lies and the running-off-of-my-mind in the afternoon. I praise God that i'm ending off the day yesterday on such a great tone. Hallelujah!
Rely ONLY on God...
now i understand what that requires me to do. i've regretted what i did ytd, but what's done is done, and what's thrown out cannot always be retrieved back. i regret those loose words, those insensitived words, that yes, were meant to be lashed out, had the intention to hurt someone, but seriously, no one in particular.
i feel guilty and regretful for such impulsiveness of mine, which i know had hurt, anger, confuse, worry those who may have read it, and i apologise. I will not say that what i wrote were false, though some may have been carried away with emotions, which is why i tend to avoid emotional posts here. Some people have already shared their views with me, and i really apologise. yes, i admit that there was an intention to want to hurt someone, readers, but not with any individuals in mind, really, i mean it. And now, i regret such evil intention, becoz i feel bad and hurt too when i realised that you were hurt. I'm very very sorry not just to the fren whom i made an example of, but to the others who may have got hit as i had lashed out here.
rachel sincerely apologises now, and ask for your forgiveness on her imprudence and her insensitivity and her foolishness.
[i've never done such a public apology. but neither have i done such a public lashing out that constitutes of hitting many pple]
to ease those who are worried and concern, i'm fine now. really.
okays, back to the main focus of this post. geez. how to start...
i felt uncertain today, after ytd's episode. wat's more i've told 2 church sis about my reflected feelings and worries last night, the doubts in myself, after having reflected and looked back at my day's work at this blog, so it was kinda awkward when i saw them today.
today was worship experience. i was unsure if i could really engage and worship God. Worship experience is great if you can shut in. But from past experiences when i cant engage and worship God, the normal service worship can already seem 'long', let alone worship experience.
But God's way is higher than mine. He knows. He always does. Service surprisingly started with altar call first, then worship, the word, then more worship, then announcements, then the praise/rejoicing kinda songs. It's really turned the whole service usual procedure the other way round, which was very very very good. The altar call allowed me to respond and surrender, to consecrate myself, to set myself right, to remove any barriers that will prevent me from engaging and worshipping God. as i worshipped, i felt an inner voice telling me to engage in. It was difficult, it was hard to engage, every effort i tried in engaging, i felt like not engaging. But the inner voice, which i believe is the Holy Spirit keeps calling me to draw near to God, to not get distracted but press in. i let the tears stream down, esp when ch. prayed for me at the altars. i surrendered. Be it emotions, friendship, loneliness, acceptance, Lord, take them all.
With this consecration of the heart, it became subsequently easier to worship God; it became easier to engage with God. and i also received the answer to the question i've been asking the entire last week through the struggles and lethargicness... "How do I rely only on God?"
2 weeks ago, God spoke to me during my TAWG about relying ONLY on God. At that week of struggling, the solution to it tat God revealed was just simply on rely ONLY on Him, which the part 'only' has a very big and difficult problem. I was encouraged.
But just last week, i got discouraged and questioned again... "Lord, i know i am to rely ONLY on you, but how do i do tat? it's not just lip service, becoz that wont work out, and it doesnt seem to be. How to rely on you??? What do i need to do?"
And i got the answer today during service! actually, i got it last night while sharing with ch. i shared, and it was getting difficult for her to say something to comfort and advice, so after a while, she prayed, which brought much tears down my cheek becoz maybe, tat's all i need. and i replied her "is relying on God that simple... through a prayer of faith?"
and her reply was "what seems to be the most complicated of problems can be solved with the most simple of answers in God (:"
and God reaffirmed my question when PDa very timely shared today's word. Indeed, relying only on God is that simple - a childlike faith. and everything PDa shared today was just so timely, was just so for me! as if God had structured the entire really short sharing of the Word directly to me, directly for me, specially for me. maybe next time i shall jot the notes that spoke to me in service here...
anyways, back to Worship Experience... with the assurance of the word, with the consecrating and surrendering of the emotions and stuggles unseen within the heart, with the prayer that releases the tears, i began to be able to engage in worship. and even in the praise/rejoicing kinda songs, i could give my all, my praise to the Lord. becoz the burden of our heart had been lifted, had been removed. I could jump, i could dance, i could sing, i could shout. The joy of the Lord had returned to my heart. The joy of being in His presence, the joy of just praising and worshipping him, the joy of freedom! i was telling my sis on the way home, if the service procedure today did not change, i probably couldnt really engage with God and will probably still be trapped.
But God knows. And somehow in His great and marvellously timely plan. He feeds me the lessons, one at a time; He brings across changes, adaptions, help at the right time.
It seems now like a-step-at-a-time God is taking with me. To help me slowly grow and not rush through my pruning and nuturing process. but, still... OUCH!! tat hurts. =D
2 weeks ago - God told me to rely only on Him
last week - God taught me how to rely only on Him
"now, left this week to be seen. It'll probably be the toughest week this season of trials, but somehow God will help me survive. I just wish i dint do what i did ytd, becoz my insensitivity on my blog is gonna hurt and scare lotsa friends, and i really never expect so many people to actually do read my blog. :("
[a reply sms to a concerned friend who asked if i was feeling better since last night/this morning i shared wif her.]
p.s. hallelujah! i've found someone to save my life by providing me with a quite satisfying scream (or screams). i discovered her when my sis just pulled off her hair tie and her piercing scream next to me threatened to make me deaf.
thanks sis ch for your comfort and esp your prayer via MSN last night. for your love and for your comfort. thank you especially for the song you composed last night for me (and your other friends) of which you sang for me today. It really spoke to me, moved me deeply, touched me, and encouraged me. i love you ch. & i promise i'll try harder to take more initiative to contact you shd i need a listening ear and not be so overly concern that i'll be eating a lot of your limited time. thanks for being so willing to want to spread the joy and blessings you carry in you with people around you.
i feel guilty and regretful for such impulsiveness of mine, which i know had hurt, anger, confuse, worry those who may have read it, and i apologise. I will not say that what i wrote were false, though some may have been carried away with emotions, which is why i tend to avoid emotional posts here. Some people have already shared their views with me, and i really apologise. yes, i admit that there was an intention to want to hurt someone, readers, but not with any individuals in mind, really, i mean it. And now, i regret such evil intention, becoz i feel bad and hurt too when i realised that you were hurt. I'm very very sorry not just to the fren whom i made an example of, but to the others who may have got hit as i had lashed out here.
rachel sincerely apologises now, and ask for your forgiveness on her imprudence and her insensitivity and her foolishness.
[i've never done such a public apology. but neither have i done such a public lashing out that constitutes of hitting many pple]
to ease those who are worried and concern, i'm fine now. really.
okays, back to the main focus of this post. geez. how to start...
i felt uncertain today, after ytd's episode. wat's more i've told 2 church sis about my reflected feelings and worries last night, the doubts in myself, after having reflected and looked back at my day's work at this blog, so it was kinda awkward when i saw them today.
today was worship experience. i was unsure if i could really engage and worship God. Worship experience is great if you can shut in. But from past experiences when i cant engage and worship God, the normal service worship can already seem 'long', let alone worship experience.
But God's way is higher than mine. He knows. He always does. Service surprisingly started with altar call first, then worship, the word, then more worship, then announcements, then the praise/rejoicing kinda songs. It's really turned the whole service usual procedure the other way round, which was very very very good. The altar call allowed me to respond and surrender, to consecrate myself, to set myself right, to remove any barriers that will prevent me from engaging and worshipping God. as i worshipped, i felt an inner voice telling me to engage in. It was difficult, it was hard to engage, every effort i tried in engaging, i felt like not engaging. But the inner voice, which i believe is the Holy Spirit keeps calling me to draw near to God, to not get distracted but press in. i let the tears stream down, esp when ch. prayed for me at the altars. i surrendered. Be it emotions, friendship, loneliness, acceptance, Lord, take them all.
With this consecration of the heart, it became subsequently easier to worship God; it became easier to engage with God. and i also received the answer to the question i've been asking the entire last week through the struggles and lethargicness... "How do I rely only on God?"
2 weeks ago, God spoke to me during my TAWG about relying ONLY on God. At that week of struggling, the solution to it tat God revealed was just simply on rely ONLY on Him, which the part 'only' has a very big and difficult problem. I was encouraged.
But just last week, i got discouraged and questioned again... "Lord, i know i am to rely ONLY on you, but how do i do tat? it's not just lip service, becoz that wont work out, and it doesnt seem to be. How to rely on you??? What do i need to do?"
And i got the answer today during service! actually, i got it last night while sharing with ch. i shared, and it was getting difficult for her to say something to comfort and advice, so after a while, she prayed, which brought much tears down my cheek becoz maybe, tat's all i need. and i replied her "is relying on God that simple... through a prayer of faith?"
and her reply was "what seems to be the most complicated of problems can be solved with the most simple of answers in God (:"
and God reaffirmed my question when PDa very timely shared today's word. Indeed, relying only on God is that simple - a childlike faith. and everything PDa shared today was just so timely, was just so for me! as if God had structured the entire really short sharing of the Word directly to me, directly for me, specially for me. maybe next time i shall jot the notes that spoke to me in service here...
anyways, back to Worship Experience... with the assurance of the word, with the consecrating and surrendering of the emotions and stuggles unseen within the heart, with the prayer that releases the tears, i began to be able to engage in worship. and even in the praise/rejoicing kinda songs, i could give my all, my praise to the Lord. becoz the burden of our heart had been lifted, had been removed. I could jump, i could dance, i could sing, i could shout. The joy of the Lord had returned to my heart. The joy of being in His presence, the joy of just praising and worshipping him, the joy of freedom! i was telling my sis on the way home, if the service procedure today did not change, i probably couldnt really engage with God and will probably still be trapped.
But God knows. And somehow in His great and marvellously timely plan. He feeds me the lessons, one at a time; He brings across changes, adaptions, help at the right time.
It seems now like a-step-at-a-time God is taking with me. To help me slowly grow and not rush through my pruning and nuturing process. but, still... OUCH!! tat hurts. =D
2 weeks ago - God told me to rely only on Him
last week - God taught me how to rely only on Him
"now, left this week to be seen. It'll probably be the toughest week this season of trials, but somehow God will help me survive. I just wish i dint do what i did ytd, becoz my insensitivity on my blog is gonna hurt and scare lotsa friends, and i really never expect so many people to actually do read my blog. :("
[a reply sms to a concerned friend who asked if i was feeling better since last night/this morning i shared wif her.]
p.s. hallelujah! i've found someone to save my life by providing me with a quite satisfying scream (or screams). i discovered her when my sis just pulled off her hair tie and her piercing scream next to me threatened to make me deaf.
thanks sis ch for your comfort and esp your prayer via MSN last night. for your love and for your comfort. thank you especially for the song you composed last night for me (and your other friends) of which you sang for me today. It really spoke to me, moved me deeply, touched me, and encouraged me. i love you ch. & i promise i'll try harder to take more initiative to contact you shd i need a listening ear and not be so overly concern that i'll be eating a lot of your limited time. thanks for being so willing to want to spread the joy and blessings you carry in you with people around you.
i dont trust you. we seldom talk and you suddenly talk to me, indirectly asking me about her. i know who you're talking about, i just dont want to say, for why should i make things more complicated for myself. i really wonder whether you're seeing me as a trustable friend who is good with advice that you're asking me for 'guidance' steps or asking becoz you're hoping to get some clues out of me, since you know i'm quite close to her. I really suspect that i'm not so much a friend to you, but i'm a medium that is very useful to your advantage. I don't like being used. that's what some friendships i have seemed to have resulted nowadays - just a tool to be used; a wonderful naive and honest girl who'll be a good source of information.
Lord, he's making life difficult for me. I hope this does not continue. I want to be and used to be friends with him, but i've let it go, so pls Lord help me not to be swayed again.
Lord, he's making life difficult for me. I hope this does not continue. I want to be and used to be friends with him, but i've let it go, so pls Lord help me not to be swayed again.
i've lost it. i can't believe it. i've been noticing, and the more i do, the more i seem to be proven right. my heart is temporary torn in two by 2 friends. i thought... but, maybe things weren't meant to be. It's interesting how through me people get to know one another, and they grow closer to each other, but they grow further from me. friends... it has become a perplexing issue i don't want to think, but can't seem to stop. After this post, i'm not going to dwell on it. I'm learning to let go. What's not meant to be is just not meant to be. You can say i give up. But i know i tried, and maybe if u seen it, things could have been savage. but many of your eyes failed to see. or maybe i'm not trying hard enough. either way, i'm releasing you. you, you, you, and some others more. Our friendships are not severed. i'm not totally giving up on our friendships. Maybe we would be able to rebuild them in the future, but at the moment, i doubt so, observing you too busy to notice that your actions/'aura' towards me is really making me hard to hold on as tightly as i used/want to. you can say i'm being selfish, after all everyone seem to have a little unspoken problem with me being a 'saint'.
I'm learning to let go of my expectations of friendships, and let go of friendships if i have to. I don't know if this is the right decision, and i'm afraid i'll let go of everything and be left with nothing. but right now, i'm going to take things one step at a time, and take whatever that comes in my way. I'm going to see what life brings, and i pray through this journey of waiting, of learning, God will open up my eyes and show me what to do best.
i feel like escaping both your presences so that i won't feel the lack, but due to circumstances, i can't, but i'll probably try to. the feeling is like both of you stole my other friend away, though that's rubbish. well, i wish you two all the best in your building-up-fast friendship. and i wish myself all the best to find someone else to share to, since both of u seem to 'fail' me (probably becoz i'm not a good friend myself. have always sensed that but seeing u 2 finding each other, it's greater confirmation).
i miss my dog. i'm in search for man's best friend - the-ever-faithful dog! miss lucky boy.... .... .... ....
i pray that my heart don't also close out a group of friends - cell - if not, i really think i'm left with nothing much in-depth. Friends i know i will always have... but in-depth friends... ... ... ...
I'm learning to let go of my expectations of friendships, and let go of friendships if i have to. I don't know if this is the right decision, and i'm afraid i'll let go of everything and be left with nothing. but right now, i'm going to take things one step at a time, and take whatever that comes in my way. I'm going to see what life brings, and i pray through this journey of waiting, of learning, God will open up my eyes and show me what to do best.
i feel like escaping both your presences so that i won't feel the lack, but due to circumstances, i can't, but i'll probably try to. the feeling is like both of you stole my other friend away, though that's rubbish. well, i wish you two all the best in your building-up-fast friendship. and i wish myself all the best to find someone else to share to, since both of u seem to 'fail' me (probably becoz i'm not a good friend myself. have always sensed that but seeing u 2 finding each other, it's greater confirmation).
i miss my dog. i'm in search for man's best friend - the-ever-faithful dog! miss lucky boy.... .... .... ....
i pray that my heart don't also close out a group of friends - cell - if not, i really think i'm left with nothing much in-depth. Friends i know i will always have... but in-depth friends... ... ... ...
What must it take to bring him back?
Friendships nowadays seem so fragile, unable to grow close and intimate (no, i'm not talking about BGR sense), unable to grow deep, unable to stand the test of trial and time, time and fire.
Friends are good to have in good times, but in bad times many turn to be just slightly more than non-existence. Most friends seem to disappear when you're going through bad times, leaving you with little to turn to, or when they are the ones who are going through bad times, they refuse to breathe a single word & they choose to hide and run away instead.
I find it hard to keep strong friendships of which the other party is not open to share what's deep down, only being a friend in good times, but in bad times is on their own and shuns from their friends who are then left at a lose of what to do. And it seems to happen a lot to me this year. I'm trying to be open too, but it's getting harder and more discouraging.
i miss these certain friends, one a close brother too. This song is for him:
When Friends Forsake
A little boy of sorrow, ran away from the arms of love,
Into this foolish world, and it left him drained.
Yet he still runs away, time and time again,
Never ending sorrow, everlasting pain.
What must it take to bring him back to this house again?
Will he be lost in his pain and be buried in his shame?
The little child so lost and weary, yet his earthly pride,
Carries him through the day even when friends forsake.
That little lad of sorrow, wandering through the streets,
Prodigal expenditures on earthly beings, false friends fall asleep.
Yet one little day it was over, and his world disappeared,
Left him with a needle and thread, a broken heart to mend
What must it take to bring him back to this house again?
Will he be lost in his pain and be buried in his shame?
The little child so lost and weary, yet his earthly pride,
Carries him through the day even when friends forsake.
Bridge
He wanders lost, day by day, night by night,
He fed the swines of misery, will he go down in history,
As a lad who ran away from the arms of love?
When friends forsake.
The little man of sorrow, ran from freedom to captivity,
Perhaps he'd learnt his lesson, now he's on road way home,
Out of the door stepped his Father, with arms open wide,
Embracing his dear child, now back at his side,
And he said,
"I'm just so happy that now you're back in this house again.
Home is where the pain is lost and buried is the shame.
Oh little child so lost and weary, welcome back tonight,
I'll be with you in the day even when friends forsake."
Friends are good to have in good times, but in bad times many turn to be just slightly more than non-existence. Most friends seem to disappear when you're going through bad times, leaving you with little to turn to, or when they are the ones who are going through bad times, they refuse to breathe a single word & they choose to hide and run away instead.
I find it hard to keep strong friendships of which the other party is not open to share what's deep down, only being a friend in good times, but in bad times is on their own and shuns from their friends who are then left at a lose of what to do. And it seems to happen a lot to me this year. I'm trying to be open too, but it's getting harder and more discouraging.
i miss these certain friends, one a close brother too. This song is for him:
When Friends Forsake
A little boy of sorrow, ran away from the arms of love,
Into this foolish world, and it left him drained.
Yet he still runs away, time and time again,
Never ending sorrow, everlasting pain.
What must it take to bring him back to this house again?
Will he be lost in his pain and be buried in his shame?
The little child so lost and weary, yet his earthly pride,
Carries him through the day even when friends forsake.
That little lad of sorrow, wandering through the streets,
Prodigal expenditures on earthly beings, false friends fall asleep.
Yet one little day it was over, and his world disappeared,
Left him with a needle and thread, a broken heart to mend
What must it take to bring him back to this house again?
Will he be lost in his pain and be buried in his shame?
The little child so lost and weary, yet his earthly pride,
Carries him through the day even when friends forsake.
Bridge
He wanders lost, day by day, night by night,
He fed the swines of misery, will he go down in history,
As a lad who ran away from the arms of love?
When friends forsake.
The little man of sorrow, ran from freedom to captivity,
Perhaps he'd learnt his lesson, now he's on road way home,
Out of the door stepped his Father, with arms open wide,
Embracing his dear child, now back at his side,
And he said,
"I'm just so happy that now you're back in this house again.
Home is where the pain is lost and buried is the shame.
Oh little child so lost and weary, welcome back tonight,
I'll be with you in the day even when friends forsake."
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