Showing posts with label deepthots. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deepthots. Show all posts
woman & husband
I believe that a woman should submit to her husband. However, this is her choice and not an expectation her husband or any man should have on her; men should not lord it over their wives. I believe than men and women are of equal status and should be thus treat so. However, a woman should choose to submit to the will and decisions of her husband, supporting him. Once again, emphasizing that it is her decision and not smth her husband should demand. So the husband should still treat his wife with respect and as an equal, seeking her opinion, considering her viewpoint, and discussing decisions with her.
A Triad
"A Triad simple means a group of three."
Why do I need to worry about a triad? Seriously, if I think carefully about it, there isn't any longer a triad for the longest of time. It died out quite a while ago. It just didn't sink in for me.
We used to be a triad, for a period of time. However, the disadvantage of a triad, as studied during my Sociology 101 module, is that among the three, there'll be one person who'll feel more left out. And well, since in our triad, the two of them were the best of buddies whose water is thicker than blood long before any of them know of my existence, naturally i'll be the solo one here, the one with the least similarities and shortest friendship history, who'll feel left out. Not surprising, and not anyone's fault.
To be precise, it looks more like the two of them, the pair, "adopted" me in, and then we became a triad. I admit honestly, that there were a number of times when I question the friendship we have.
(If you're reading this, I want you to know it's not your fault, but I do think a lot and sometimes too skeptically/critically upon friendships due to the deep scars I have inflicted on myself in the past that have caused me to lose much confidence and esteem in myself).
There were times, I was telling Jos the other day much to her surprise, when I dwelled on the possibility and perhaps temporally believed that the friendship you two offered me was one more of charity.
Let me explain why:
Firstly, you two are tight. There was no need for me. I just happen to come along the way and 'barge' in. *shrugs* And here I am, the loner as usual. Although I have close groups of friends, but I'm usually walking life alone and wandering/floating btw groups of people. And I guess you 'adopted' me in, in your beautiful niceness, you extended your friendship to this person who gives a lot but is always looking for a very close circle to cling on to and gain support from.
So maybe, just maybe, you decided to be charitable and extend the strong support you two cld give, especially since we initially seem to share a lot of commonalities - serving in specialized ministries where our impact group was the younger generations, being away from most of our peers, not taking the conventional route of our peers, having a heart of love for a particular family of friends in church, keeping a strict righteous life as much as we can and encouraging our fellow bros/sis-in-Christ to do likewise, loving the same group of pple and wanting to bless their lives, etc.
That started off well, but as times go by, and your two lives start being more similar once again, and I open myself more to the group of fellow leaders I'm serving alongside with, we distant. The few times I am with you, there will be pockets of time where I feel left out as you talk about things that happen/pple you have in common, of which I couldn't be a part of, although you do try to make me feel included by explaining some of the things that happen. But I rather you didn't.
Sidenote:
Same as I was telling my sister the other day, I do not want to hear the stories of what happen to the NTU sat dinner/dinner with other campus pple, etc, which she never fails to tell me week after week. Already feeling kinda left out/isolate/secluded from my peers, I don't need reminders of how life might be like should I have chosen the other road. I do no longer want to be tempted again to desire the other path when I know this is the path God wants me to grow in and bless others. Although I love this path, I am tempted at times to desire the others and to desire for the comfort, security, and closeness with my peers. So I don't want my sister to indirectly put temptation across my path.Nor do I want you tempting me to think of moving into your ministry, for I too have considered that route before.
coming back to the point of charity...
Thirdly, usually (as far as I can rmb at the moment, which may be biased and I apologise for my narrow-mindedness as I am currently at this period) I am the one approaching you two to share my life and go to you two when I have a problem. Yes, you share your lives with me too, but rather, I seem to recall that it is usually not an initiative from you, but rather as a response to my sharing or when I talked to you, asked you, or catch something from your speech and probe deeper.
I know you'll probably say that I've blessed your life as much as you've blessed mine. Perhaps so. But another way to look at it is, well, we're equal. You gave me charity, and I repaid your kindness to me. Perhaps it's my warp expectational mindset. For if the friendship is equal, like the two of you have, I guess the initiation to share lives and to share events that happen, and to share probs, and to ask for help/prayer would be well, on both sides, relatively equally. But rather, to illustrate it, it looks like it's me coming to you for charity, you giving, and you sharing smth so that I can repay the kindness by giving back to your lives.
Sounds like I've been thinking too much right? :P
But the truth is, many think too little. And isn't this a highly possible situation to occur in the world?
It can happen if one thing... there ARE very very VERY NICE people in this world. And I believe that the two of you are; You two are two of the nicest people in the world, with two of the biggest hearts ever.
Which means that this speculation is highly possible. >.<
Dear the two of you,
if you ever come across it, though I doubt so, I want to say a very very BIG THANK YOU to you two. Thank you for being such great close friends whom I can trust, confide in, gain support from, and at times simply hang out together or study together. :) Thanks for being such great encouragers to my life and really being there when I needed people. Thanks for being there in my downs, and even to fulfil my destressing wishes at times, for example when I'm simply looking for people to watch a movie to destress after exams. Thanks for the many sacrifices of your time and sharing of snacks with me as we study together. Thanks for being my studying companions many a times.
In those stressful, transiting months through my ministry as well as Uni, thanks for being there. You two really helped see me through that one year especially in this one year when we were a triad. Thank you, from the very deep down bottom of my heart, for your friendship. Thank you for your love. Thank you for everything that you have done, of which words of thanks is insufficient to bring out the deep gratitude I have for you two.
I'm sorry if what I said above about our friendship is wrong and you're hurt by it. I know you're sincere, and I truly never once doubt it. Do understand that being me, being Rachel, I do look at times beneath even people's consciousness, and perhaps this may be what is happening. I've really been blessed by you two, but I think it's time I let go and let things be the way it was, and I guess, the way it should be. A pair rather than a triad, as already it seems for a while to be moving towards. (I just didn't admit it sooner I guess)
I love my grads a lot. And I love you two a lot too, my dear brothers and friends. Continue to stand strong and be the great support towards each other; continue to be the best bossom buddies ever lived in this century; continue to be the modern David and Jonathan whose covenantal friendship is coveted by many. Be open, share your lives with one another, and continue to support each other in the years ahead. I shall leave you two as it is, and I shall take a step back. Don't be surprise if suddenly it seems that I'm quiet, withdrawn and don't seem to care about you two. You two are special friends in my life whom I'll always care and love, like my grads alike.
However, it's time I step back and let you two lead your lives without me as I continue to wander in search of friends to bless, and to search for a very very close inner circle of whom I can finally settle peacefully down with. Don't worry, the search has been for years, what difference will it make if I add more years to it? I've survived, and will continue to survive, crying often to the Lord for help. May the two of your friendship stand the test of time and trials and may it continue to strengthen with time and may it NEVER EVER be threatened by anything.
Take care you two dear friends of mine,
and goodbye.
I'll still be around and I'll still be approachable, but I shall take a step back and stop bugging you I guess. But anytime you need me, you just need to call, and I'll be there. You two mean a lot to me, seriously.
Goodbye
I think I really gotta let go. Let go of a couple of close friendships. I don't think this will really work out in the long run. I've no faith. It always seem to happen with close friendships. It starts off well, and I seem to hope again. Then, somehow, something (or nothing) will happen, and deep down I know I need to let go. Again.
I think, I really need to let go of them. It's kinda torturous to be living dangling between. Regardless of how much I wished things were like in the past, I guess those days are over, and irreversible. Perhaps I was too naive to think that perhaps this round, it will be different. Things won't be the same. And the faster I let go of the close friendship, the faster I can stop expecting things and wishing to keep being updated/knowing what's going on in their lives.
It's time to let go.
This week seems like a very "letting go" week. It has always been, all these years anyway. Kinda sick and tired of it. Thought I said that too with my biggest friendship blow previously.. But I dunno why and I dunno how did I simply open myself so much to this couple of friends, sharing my life with them and 'living life together' - studying together, dinner together, chilling out together, doing things together... ...
But I guess it's time to let go. 不要在两世界当中徘徊了。sighs.
Truly, very very close friendships just don't seem to go well with. I don't think I'll ever be able to really, nearly totally, share my life with someone for good (meaning for the long-term). I don't care be it guy or gal. Be it a best friend, or a boy friend. I just want to be able to share my life with someone, and have someone to share his/her life back with me; to be able to watch each other's back and support one another; and well, simply chat, be it serious or on the surface stuff; someone I don't feel I need to hold back becoz there is a bidirectional commitment and openness to one another.
Perhaps I'm too idealistic. I dunno. All I know is 20years of my life I've waited, and it only goes to show each time how impossible it is. Last year, when I saw two friends of mine who were buddies and buddy-tight!, hope arose. Alas, a modern David and Jonathan... perhaps, it does exist/it can exist after all.
But now... perhaps they are the only ones in this world where "blood is thicker than water" does not work on them.
Irregardless, I'm letting go of this close friendships I used to have with particular individuals, and I guess I'm letting go of the hope of my dream.
Though I know I won't be able to kill the dream; for a dream is a dream, and it's there for me to dream, though hopelessly.
Let Go
came across one of the "to keep" private blog posts I had, talking about letting go of No. 2 last year. I sos smsed (back then) sis Gwen as I struggled to let go of him. I like her reply. This is what she said, "Let go by first understanding God will, heart for you. Let go by first knowing that God will take care of you.. And then let go knowing that practically n realitically there is no pt for u to keep holding on.. "
So I did a reflection back then on her words, and this was my reflection:
Let go by first understanding God's will and heart for me
God's will and heart for me: He wants to give me nothing but the best; He wants me to live for Him and not for myself, becoz He knows that when i live for Him, i gain satisfaction, but when i live for myself, though i may gain pleasure, deep down I'm not satisfied within and there's still emptiness.
Let go by first knowing that God will take care of me
He knows what i want, He knows what I need. He will provide. He's the Jehovah Jireh. I just have to trust and rely on Him. And as i trust and rely on Him, I will let myself be complete and one with Him, before i am truly ready to meet the guy, the partner God has specially chosen for me, so we may complement each other. He knows the guy who is perfect for me, i dun even know what kind of guy is; the guy who is not perfect, but perfect for me... for God knows me inside out, and He knows what I want and what I need especially.
Let go knowing that practically and realistically there is no point for me holding on
True, something i know deep down since the very beginning, even before tredding this path. To let go of what is not meant for me, and to trust and rely on God, that some day, though the wait be long and uncertain, that there will come this wonderful guy which God has in mind for me, who will give me such wonderful experiences and memories, far greater and better than any i have experienced with **No. 2**. not just affection, but true love from deep down within. To not hold on in lack of faith, fearing the unknown future, and having such zero confidence that i will ever experience and taste again such sweet experiences becoz no one will see me; but to know that i am beautiful in the eyes of God, and i am an attractive daughter of God, which one day will attract the right guy whom God intends for me to have a wonderful future with.
God's will and heart for me: He wants to give me nothing but the best; He wants me to live for Him and not for myself, becoz He knows that when i live for Him, i gain satisfaction, but when i live for myself, though i may gain pleasure, deep down I'm not satisfied within and there's still emptiness.
Let go by first knowing that God will take care of me
He knows what i want, He knows what I need. He will provide. He's the Jehovah Jireh. I just have to trust and rely on Him. And as i trust and rely on Him, I will let myself be complete and one with Him, before i am truly ready to meet the guy, the partner God has specially chosen for me, so we may complement each other. He knows the guy who is perfect for me, i dun even know what kind of guy is; the guy who is not perfect, but perfect for me... for God knows me inside out, and He knows what I want and what I need especially.
Let go knowing that practically and realistically there is no point for me holding on
True, something i know deep down since the very beginning, even before tredding this path. To let go of what is not meant for me, and to trust and rely on God, that some day, though the wait be long and uncertain, that there will come this wonderful guy which God has in mind for me, who will give me such wonderful experiences and memories, far greater and better than any i have experienced with **No. 2**. not just affection, but true love from deep down within. To not hold on in lack of faith, fearing the unknown future, and having such zero confidence that i will ever experience and taste again such sweet experiences becoz no one will see me; but to know that i am beautiful in the eyes of God, and i am an attractive daughter of God, which one day will attract the right guy whom God intends for me to have a wonderful future with.
Lord, remind me again. Remind me again I pray, and strengthen my heart and my resolve. Turn my heart back to you. Help me with No. 3. Let me be Yours and wait for your perfect gift. Help me to surrender myself.
"Every long lost dream, led me to where You are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars; pointing me on my way, into Your loving arms. This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road and lead me straight to You."
Freedom indeed
On our journey of faith, there are times when the "freedom" of sin that we left behind is more appealing than the restrictions of faith that lie ahead. We must trust the protective boundaries found in God's Word as the only way to get to the place of ultimate freedom.
Sin's lure may look like freedom
But in its grip we're bound;
It's when we're bound to Jesus
Real freedom will be found.
--D. De Haan--
true... sometimes going back to the ways of the world is just so tempting, and i admit that at times the thoughts of wishing i wasnt a christian ever flashed across my mind. But i thank God that i'm still standing here, a proud daughter of the One Most High, becoz i know this is where i belong, and this is where i want to be. :) Hard lessons to learn at times when living in the protective boundaries of God's Word, becoz it seemed to infringe into our "freedom". But what is freedom? We discussed about it in sec sch... and i realised what the world defines as freedom, what we ourselves define as freedom, sometimes isnt really freedom, becoz it's still restricted. haha. But i've learnt through experience that indeed living in the boundaries of God's Word, ultimately is living in freedom. It's hard to explain, and esp hard to do it here (easier in verbal words i guess), but only if you persevere in experiencing it will you know what i mean. =D No one said it would be easy, but when you ultimately experience that freedom, you'll praise the Lord, becoz persuing our own freedom sometimes lead to regrets, guilt, sadness, and other bondages, but with Jesus there is joy, liberty, peace.
Sin's lure may look like freedom
But in its grip we're bound;
It's when we're bound to Jesus
Real freedom will be found.
--D. De Haan--
true... sometimes going back to the ways of the world is just so tempting, and i admit that at times the thoughts of wishing i wasnt a christian ever flashed across my mind. But i thank God that i'm still standing here, a proud daughter of the One Most High, becoz i know this is where i belong, and this is where i want to be. :) Hard lessons to learn at times when living in the protective boundaries of God's Word, becoz it seemed to infringe into our "freedom". But what is freedom? We discussed about it in sec sch... and i realised what the world defines as freedom, what we ourselves define as freedom, sometimes isnt really freedom, becoz it's still restricted. haha. But i've learnt through experience that indeed living in the boundaries of God's Word, ultimately is living in freedom. It's hard to explain, and esp hard to do it here (easier in verbal words i guess), but only if you persevere in experiencing it will you know what i mean. =D No one said it would be easy, but when you ultimately experience that freedom, you'll praise the Lord, becoz persuing our own freedom sometimes lead to regrets, guilt, sadness, and other bondages, but with Jesus there is joy, liberty, peace.
Hurts, disappointments, discouragement. Not just from 1-2sources, but several, especially from the very close. There are seasons in life. When a season has or is ending, then maybe it's time to let go. After all, no one owes me anything. Give, take or receive. If I give but others don't wanna take, there's little I can do. If you're someone important to me/you mean much to me, then I'll persist in trying, not easily giving up; i'll keep giving, even if you dont want to give me anything in return, even if you dont wanna take sometimes.
But if you rather take from someone else, and give to someone else; if you reject the gift i'm offering, time & again, I wont hold on so tightly. After all, you have someone whom you give and take from, that's important. An all give but no take status is very very difficult, but somewhat survivable. An all give but rejected, and instead giving and taking from someone else, then it's at the thin margin of hopelessness. The status I wont mind is one of receiving, where you offer first to me, before I make a move/offer;where you're giving to me, and i'm receiving, and then giving back to you. It's more than just me taking and giving, because receiving is acknowledging you as the kind sender.
To give (to others), to take (back from others), or to receive (1st from others)... how much of each can I truly have? Sometimes I feel like the all-giving end, the unappreciated and taken for granted at times one. Some take but dont give back. Maybe i've not been a good-taker/receiver. Maybe I have too high expectations. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful brat taking so many things for granted.
But if you rather take from someone else, and give to someone else; if you reject the gift i'm offering, time & again, I wont hold on so tightly. After all, you have someone whom you give and take from, that's important. An all give but no take status is very very difficult, but somewhat survivable. An all give but rejected, and instead giving and taking from someone else, then it's at the thin margin of hopelessness. The status I wont mind is one of receiving, where you offer first to me, before I make a move/offer;where you're giving to me, and i'm receiving, and then giving back to you. It's more than just me taking and giving, because receiving is acknowledging you as the kind sender.
To give (to others), to take (back from others), or to receive (1st from others)... how much of each can I truly have? Sometimes I feel like the all-giving end, the unappreciated and taken for granted at times one. Some take but dont give back. Maybe i've not been a good-taker/receiver. Maybe I have too high expectations. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful brat taking so many things for granted.
me and 'kristen'
'Kristen' - the character i'm playing in Drama Night 2009
[come and you'll understand what i'll be writing]
Mr Seah was talking to me about acting the character Kristen ytd. As he was going on about how different Kristen and I was, but that's why it's a good challenge of acting it out.., he dint know what was churning in my mind. he dint know the reason why i hate kristen so much is becoz of the guts and freedom she has. he dint know how similiar i was to kristen.
fear, sadness, self-pity, anger, rage, frustration, loneliness... these are not uncommon emotions for me. but the real difference between me and kristen is that she let it out, lashed it out on ted. i dont. i suppress it. i control it. i keep it in. i dont express it. i dont have anyone to lash it out nor do i let myself lash it out even if i'm by myself. that's why i'm very very uncomfortable initially with kristen, becoz to really be in character, i have to do what i've been all my life trying not to do.
the thoughts of death crossed my mind before, and i wont say it's seldom, nor would i say it's often, but it's always easily suppressable becoz i would think of people i know, people i love (but giving up on relationships now... i dont know how long i will really last. at least i still have my biological family and my family in Christ).
the statements like, "why do you care?", "I know how busy you must be, so i'm sorry for wasting your time", "you're probably like everyone else...", "i just dont care anymore"... these are commonly spoken in my mind.
like kristen i've been trying to find someone to talk to, someone who really cares. and like kristen, i dont just go for the words (and actions) but the tone behind it, i read beyond the words and i wont easily believe when you say you care. okay, maybe not to the extreme of kristen sometiems..
i DON'T like acting as kristen becoz it's bringing out the emotions i'm trying hard to suppress. It's releasing the gates of the prison where these emotions are kept under tight supervision and security, much more secured than the prison of which Mas Selamat escaped from.
tat's probably the main reason why every rehearsal, fun most may be, leaves me very tired when i've gone home. not becoz the hours are very long or physically strainous, but rather, it's emotionally tiring. So emotional tiring that i can do little after rehearsal when i'm back home. homework have to more or less be left to the early hours of the morning to finish.
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and seriously...
Mr Seah SHOULDNT have pushed it. He shouldnt. He really unleashed open the gates of those ill emotions... those dangerous wild-raging emotions that if not handled and locked up properly can cause much trouble, can cause much chaos.
i cant scream seriously. i just cant. it proves it all. when i'm scared, terrified, the more i keep silent. my reaction to that is shut up, run away. that's why i cant scream. no matter what you make me do, i cant scream. i may cry, i may run, i may panic, but i just wont scream. i'm not surprised i never scream my entire life, even when i was a baby. i know for certain i've never screamed my entire life after graudating from babyhood, but just now talking to my mom, i'm not surprised even when i was a baby i do not scream. I was a very quiet, very 乖 baby;the kind of baby every mother wld love to have. very quiet, very contended, not fussy, drink milk at the right time, dont really wake up in the middle of the night and create a big fuss, etc etc. my sis was the opposite though. Understand that it's not that i dont wanna scream... i know i cannot scream. i've never ever thought of screaming in fear before. the more someone scream, the more i keep silent.
take for eg. in sec sch, when we watched jaws, or anything that might have a slight horror to it (like He Loves Me He Loves Me Not where the heart model was in the box and it looked grossed) the whole class may scream, i was silent, though i may be afraid. when tricia screamed her horrifying scream, the whole class, already tensed by the show scream as well, i remained silent. when my most feared cockroach approached me, is near me.. i DONT scream. rather i shut my mouth and run. why? i'm more afraid it'll fly into my mouth. xp
so i JUST CANT SCREAM! *period* not a scream of joy nor a scream of pain nor a scream of terror. *period* shouts of joy, maybe. shouts of frustration, maybe. yells, maybe. but no scream *period*
So... what did Mr Seah do? he posted me next hardest thing to do "give me your most angriest sound"
it took me very long to do it. i put on my blindfold and start thinking. i started to muster up all my anger, frustrations, and rage. you know what came to my mind... the ex-co meeting i just had in the midst of rehearsal outside the LT. I pictured my president. the rage, the frustrations that i suppressed just now... the nice, soothing background music dint help, and thus i asked for it to be cut, and re-mustered my anger. the loud talking i can hear dint help too. every effort of mustering it, is counter by every urge to suppress it (an instinctive action that is bearly controllable). the thought of who were in the room, who will be listening, how embarrassing this is going to be, the AVA and drama people who were there, someone (or 2 or more) that i like a little were there... kept countering my efforts, and i kept saying "focus, dont lose it".
Mr Seah had to say "we dont have all day rachel, in a count of three you're going to have to give me the best you got"
ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.............
it came out. the angriest, more frustrated, full of rage sound i've ever heard from myself.
fren applauded from the back, laughing and saying "good one". but my mind hissed at that. It's not acting my dear friend. it was unleashing something that had been imprisoned inside for so long.
Mr Seah got me to do it again. This time he told me not to stretch it, but to constantly keep doing it repeatedly as i'm being whacked, responding to the whacking sound. i couldnt last long, i had a hard time focusing and mustering it again. But that did it!
i walked up the stairs to drink water. the rage was still within. i felt like shouting it out. my frustrations were rising out of the gates of imprisonment. after two tries of mustering, the gates had opened. and i shouted again, in frustration, not so loud, not in an attempt to follow anyone's instruction of doing it. just letting it out again, for it had risen from the depths of the imprisonment within to the edge of my lips.
He SHOULDN'T have. seriously, he shouldn't have. he did somthing i've never done. He undid the works of my patient hands and heart for many years, to carefully lock up these dangerous creatures of rage, of anger, of frustrations.
Shouting it out felt good, and since the anger had risen, why don't i just tried out my 'oscar' award "That's bullshit!.." segment. and i did. it was wow! powerfully angry and lashing! Hiiiissssss.... but the stupid thing that came immediately after that were the imitations by the AVA pple, of whom the earlier matters were enough to make me boiling mad. imitations of "that's bullshit"came from them. and i immediately rose in response, instantly shouting back "shut up!", and "dont try me". and i really meant it. unknown to them was that at that moment, hearing their imitation, seeing the faces of those who made those imitations, instantly connecting back to the afternoon's ordeal, i was really ready to throw something at them and hurt them. If my instinctive nature that is not yet totally dead did not arise and suppressed myself, i would have ran over, whack them hard on the back and shout in their ears, "shut up!". i'm serious.
i've ever imagined what would i be like if i wasnt born in a good christian home, in a good church, where God's values have really been imparted into my life, interwining within me, and becoming part of me, and defining my values. You would have never ever imagined. i'll be one of the most rebellious person ever seen, probably very very violent too, bashing people up... believe me, i know myself better than you do and there's a lot of things you do not see. I'll probably go round picking at others, a bad-tempered, untamable wild mustang you'll never believe me to be. maybe, even a gangster. i doubt anyone of you (esp hy) will ever believe this, reading this, becoz the truth is you know little about me, who i really am. not that the me you know is fake, but the me i reveal to you is just one little side. maybe just 1/3 of who i am, one-third of what makes me.you may think i'll never think certian thoughts, but in fact, i may have.
i've ever imagined what i may have become if God dint penetrate through my life since young, but yesterday was just a slight taste of what I really might have become. hah. some people may be happy to hear this, becoz rachel will finally be more 'human', and not so 'holy moley' but in fact, you're happy becoz you do not like me being so uncompromising, though deep down your heart knows that that's how we should be. Your heart knows deep down that the world would be a better place if we carry ourselves with righteousness. But the society today appreciates little of pure righteousness and heavily criticise words/actions/behaviour of pure and true righteousness (i'm not talking about self-righteousness here). They condemn it becoz it's unattainable to them, and so they do not want others to get it.
Mr Seah SHOULDNT have pushed it. He really shouldnt have done that. That was an action overboard. That broke open the prison gates holding back certain dangerous emotions. Just as we had ended and we were closing the LT, while i was packing my bag. The new pres was imitating the "that's bullshit!" part again. I warned him sternly, "shut up. don't try. i mean it. dont make me go after you. do not 惹 me tonight. i mean it." current Pres face changed from light-heartedly, joking to serious. Jason also knew i was really serious and said to the new pres, "dont forget she havent step down yet, show her some respect." but i know that Jason sensed my seriously-dont-play-with-me mood. i have a feeling even Mr Seah who was standing nearby sensed that i-can-kill tone in my voice. and seriously, i could. if new pres had continue, i might have rushed to him, pin him to the wall and warned him again, aggressively. i dont know what i might have further done. but new pres got the message, and the teasing and imitating was done for that day.
be further warned. ANYONE who dare to treat my tone for this matter very lightly will seriously get it from me. i dont know what it'll be. but i'm very sure you dont want to know. becoz i do not want to know. DO NOT tease me or praised my anger tone lightly, like fren or my new pres. tell me if i need to improve or did a good job in getting the tone. but dont you dare take it likely and laughingly. it's a serious matter, and ANYONE who gets to the wrong side of me when i've mustered up such emotions, i DONT guarantee what will happen next, i'm being serious here, and not emotional.
if i wasnt trying to suppress my emotions, if the police in my heart werent trying to catch these dangerous rage,anger,frustration criminals, i had something in my hand that i dare to throw. It would have hit and hurt someone, HARD. if i had a knife then, i would have thrown it at you. dont mess with me when i'm angry.
if you said you've never seen me lose my cool before, yesterday's episode is a glimpse of it, but it was still somewhat under control. if new pres had continue pushing, you'll really see me getting angry, and now i know, my anger can really kill. one of the most dangerous emotional criminals i have is a killling streak. and if it was freed, it would not cease going for the kill.
i now know for sure, that you so DO NOT want to see me get very angry, you DO NOT want to see me lose my cool. becoz right now, in the right state of mind, i'm telling you, that i myself cannot guarantee anything should i really get angry. It's not just the volume and words you'll hear, it'll be more than that, and that anger and rage will not be easily simmered.
i have now become very very sensitive to the name kristen and i hate kristen for her guts! the fact that she has ted for her, the fact that she is able to express the emotions that i have to hide. Sadness, loneliness, anger, frustrations.. ... ... ...
i really do not know whether playing kristen for drama night is a good thing or not. i highly doubt it's a good thing. i'm very afraid that the kristen part of me will really unleash as i act out kristen. Kristen is really really getting to me. *period*
[come and you'll understand what i'll be writing]
Mr Seah was talking to me about acting the character Kristen ytd. As he was going on about how different Kristen and I was, but that's why it's a good challenge of acting it out.., he dint know what was churning in my mind. he dint know the reason why i hate kristen so much is becoz of the guts and freedom she has. he dint know how similiar i was to kristen.
fear, sadness, self-pity, anger, rage, frustration, loneliness... these are not uncommon emotions for me. but the real difference between me and kristen is that she let it out, lashed it out on ted. i dont. i suppress it. i control it. i keep it in. i dont express it. i dont have anyone to lash it out nor do i let myself lash it out even if i'm by myself. that's why i'm very very uncomfortable initially with kristen, becoz to really be in character, i have to do what i've been all my life trying not to do.
the thoughts of death crossed my mind before, and i wont say it's seldom, nor would i say it's often, but it's always easily suppressable becoz i would think of people i know, people i love (but giving up on relationships now... i dont know how long i will really last. at least i still have my biological family and my family in Christ).
the statements like, "why do you care?", "I know how busy you must be, so i'm sorry for wasting your time", "you're probably like everyone else...", "i just dont care anymore"... these are commonly spoken in my mind.
like kristen i've been trying to find someone to talk to, someone who really cares. and like kristen, i dont just go for the words (and actions) but the tone behind it, i read beyond the words and i wont easily believe when you say you care. okay, maybe not to the extreme of kristen sometiems..
i DON'T like acting as kristen becoz it's bringing out the emotions i'm trying hard to suppress. It's releasing the gates of the prison where these emotions are kept under tight supervision and security, much more secured than the prison of which Mas Selamat escaped from.
tat's probably the main reason why every rehearsal, fun most may be, leaves me very tired when i've gone home. not becoz the hours are very long or physically strainous, but rather, it's emotionally tiring. So emotional tiring that i can do little after rehearsal when i'm back home. homework have to more or less be left to the early hours of the morning to finish.
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and seriously...
Mr Seah SHOULDNT have pushed it. He shouldnt. He really unleashed open the gates of those ill emotions... those dangerous wild-raging emotions that if not handled and locked up properly can cause much trouble, can cause much chaos.
i cant scream seriously. i just cant. it proves it all. when i'm scared, terrified, the more i keep silent. my reaction to that is shut up, run away. that's why i cant scream. no matter what you make me do, i cant scream. i may cry, i may run, i may panic, but i just wont scream. i'm not surprised i never scream my entire life, even when i was a baby. i know for certain i've never screamed my entire life after graudating from babyhood, but just now talking to my mom, i'm not surprised even when i was a baby i do not scream. I was a very quiet, very 乖 baby;the kind of baby every mother wld love to have. very quiet, very contended, not fussy, drink milk at the right time, dont really wake up in the middle of the night and create a big fuss, etc etc. my sis was the opposite though. Understand that it's not that i dont wanna scream... i know i cannot scream. i've never ever thought of screaming in fear before. the more someone scream, the more i keep silent.
take for eg. in sec sch, when we watched jaws, or anything that might have a slight horror to it (like He Loves Me He Loves Me Not where the heart model was in the box and it looked grossed) the whole class may scream, i was silent, though i may be afraid. when tricia screamed her horrifying scream, the whole class, already tensed by the show scream as well, i remained silent. when my most feared cockroach approached me, is near me.. i DONT scream. rather i shut my mouth and run. why? i'm more afraid it'll fly into my mouth. xp
so i JUST CANT SCREAM! *period* not a scream of joy nor a scream of pain nor a scream of terror. *period* shouts of joy, maybe. shouts of frustration, maybe. yells, maybe. but no scream *period*
So... what did Mr Seah do? he posted me next hardest thing to do "give me your most angriest sound"
it took me very long to do it. i put on my blindfold and start thinking. i started to muster up all my anger, frustrations, and rage. you know what came to my mind... the ex-co meeting i just had in the midst of rehearsal outside the LT. I pictured my president. the rage, the frustrations that i suppressed just now... the nice, soothing background music dint help, and thus i asked for it to be cut, and re-mustered my anger. the loud talking i can hear dint help too. every effort of mustering it, is counter by every urge to suppress it (an instinctive action that is bearly controllable). the thought of who were in the room, who will be listening, how embarrassing this is going to be, the AVA and drama people who were there, someone (or 2 or more) that i like a little were there... kept countering my efforts, and i kept saying "focus, dont lose it".
Mr Seah had to say "we dont have all day rachel, in a count of three you're going to have to give me the best you got"
ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.............
it came out. the angriest, more frustrated, full of rage sound i've ever heard from myself.
fren applauded from the back, laughing and saying "good one". but my mind hissed at that. It's not acting my dear friend. it was unleashing something that had been imprisoned inside for so long.
Mr Seah got me to do it again. This time he told me not to stretch it, but to constantly keep doing it repeatedly as i'm being whacked, responding to the whacking sound. i couldnt last long, i had a hard time focusing and mustering it again. But that did it!
i walked up the stairs to drink water. the rage was still within. i felt like shouting it out. my frustrations were rising out of the gates of imprisonment. after two tries of mustering, the gates had opened. and i shouted again, in frustration, not so loud, not in an attempt to follow anyone's instruction of doing it. just letting it out again, for it had risen from the depths of the imprisonment within to the edge of my lips.
He SHOULDN'T have. seriously, he shouldn't have. he did somthing i've never done. He undid the works of my patient hands and heart for many years, to carefully lock up these dangerous creatures of rage, of anger, of frustrations.
Shouting it out felt good, and since the anger had risen, why don't i just tried out my 'oscar' award "That's bullshit!.." segment. and i did. it was wow! powerfully angry and lashing! Hiiiissssss.... but the stupid thing that came immediately after that were the imitations by the AVA pple, of whom the earlier matters were enough to make me boiling mad. imitations of "that's bullshit"came from them. and i immediately rose in response, instantly shouting back "shut up!", and "dont try me". and i really meant it. unknown to them was that at that moment, hearing their imitation, seeing the faces of those who made those imitations, instantly connecting back to the afternoon's ordeal, i was really ready to throw something at them and hurt them. If my instinctive nature that is not yet totally dead did not arise and suppressed myself, i would have ran over, whack them hard on the back and shout in their ears, "shut up!". i'm serious.
i've ever imagined what would i be like if i wasnt born in a good christian home, in a good church, where God's values have really been imparted into my life, interwining within me, and becoming part of me, and defining my values. You would have never ever imagined. i'll be one of the most rebellious person ever seen, probably very very violent too, bashing people up... believe me, i know myself better than you do and there's a lot of things you do not see. I'll probably go round picking at others, a bad-tempered, untamable wild mustang you'll never believe me to be. maybe, even a gangster. i doubt anyone of you (esp hy) will ever believe this, reading this, becoz the truth is you know little about me, who i really am. not that the me you know is fake, but the me i reveal to you is just one little side. maybe just 1/3 of who i am, one-third of what makes me.you may think i'll never think certian thoughts, but in fact, i may have.
i've ever imagined what i may have become if God dint penetrate through my life since young, but yesterday was just a slight taste of what I really might have become. hah. some people may be happy to hear this, becoz rachel will finally be more 'human', and not so 'holy moley' but in fact, you're happy becoz you do not like me being so uncompromising, though deep down your heart knows that that's how we should be. Your heart knows deep down that the world would be a better place if we carry ourselves with righteousness. But the society today appreciates little of pure righteousness and heavily criticise words/actions/behaviour of pure and true righteousness (i'm not talking about self-righteousness here). They condemn it becoz it's unattainable to them, and so they do not want others to get it.
Mr Seah SHOULDNT have pushed it. He really shouldnt have done that. That was an action overboard. That broke open the prison gates holding back certain dangerous emotions. Just as we had ended and we were closing the LT, while i was packing my bag. The new pres was imitating the "that's bullshit!" part again. I warned him sternly, "shut up. don't try. i mean it. dont make me go after you. do not 惹 me tonight. i mean it." current Pres face changed from light-heartedly, joking to serious. Jason also knew i was really serious and said to the new pres, "dont forget she havent step down yet, show her some respect." but i know that Jason sensed my seriously-dont-play-with-me mood. i have a feeling even Mr Seah who was standing nearby sensed that i-can-kill tone in my voice. and seriously, i could. if new pres had continue, i might have rushed to him, pin him to the wall and warned him again, aggressively. i dont know what i might have further done. but new pres got the message, and the teasing and imitating was done for that day.
be further warned. ANYONE who dare to treat my tone for this matter very lightly will seriously get it from me. i dont know what it'll be. but i'm very sure you dont want to know. becoz i do not want to know. DO NOT tease me or praised my anger tone lightly, like fren or my new pres. tell me if i need to improve or did a good job in getting the tone. but dont you dare take it likely and laughingly. it's a serious matter, and ANYONE who gets to the wrong side of me when i've mustered up such emotions, i DONT guarantee what will happen next, i'm being serious here, and not emotional.
if i wasnt trying to suppress my emotions, if the police in my heart werent trying to catch these dangerous rage,anger,frustration criminals, i had something in my hand that i dare to throw. It would have hit and hurt someone, HARD. if i had a knife then, i would have thrown it at you. dont mess with me when i'm angry.
if you said you've never seen me lose my cool before, yesterday's episode is a glimpse of it, but it was still somewhat under control. if new pres had continue pushing, you'll really see me getting angry, and now i know, my anger can really kill. one of the most dangerous emotional criminals i have is a killling streak. and if it was freed, it would not cease going for the kill.
i now know for sure, that you so DO NOT want to see me get very angry, you DO NOT want to see me lose my cool. becoz right now, in the right state of mind, i'm telling you, that i myself cannot guarantee anything should i really get angry. It's not just the volume and words you'll hear, it'll be more than that, and that anger and rage will not be easily simmered.
i have now become very very sensitive to the name kristen and i hate kristen for her guts! the fact that she has ted for her, the fact that she is able to express the emotions that i have to hide. Sadness, loneliness, anger, frustrations.. ... ... ...
i really do not know whether playing kristen for drama night is a good thing or not. i highly doubt it's a good thing. i'm very afraid that the kristen part of me will really unleash as i act out kristen. Kristen is really really getting to me. *period*
"sometimes, you think too much"
Now, define what you mean by thinking too much. what is thinking? what is too much?
maybe i'm not thinking too much... maybe it's because you are thinking too little. What is a brain when you dont use it to think?
maybe i'm not thinking too much... maybe i seem like to you is because i think differently from you, i think more in an aspect foreign and thus uncomfortable to you, and you dont know what to make up of it becoz you dont think in that aspect and thus you label it as thinking too much.
this is not an uncommon statement made to me. and i understand where they're coming from. sometimes i think i think too much too. i rmb NWK said to me before, "you're smart. but you're too smart such that you link up different things together, and thus create the mess you're in." (well, something like tat.. the meaning is there, at least.) and yes, it's true (though i dont agree with the smart part)... but that's how i think. i link things up. this is my strength and yet my weakness.
strength is that i think in a more wider perspective than others, considering the different alternatives, and thus most of the time, i can understand others better and can help people understand the other's perspective better. it's just simply pulling a few of the factors together, linking the different floating things, that consitutes of the different memory thingys i rmb learning in lower sec when they thought us about mind-mapping, in the brain.
weakness is becoz every action/response you make is noted in my head and is also linked to give the final analysis. no, i'm not asking you to act in front of me. but i'm saying that your direct words and actions dont always fool me. yes, some may be genuine, but i can sense when there's displeasure behind your eyes. dont ask me how i do that. your choices speaks of you, but not many noticed that.
so... yes, perhaps i 'think too much', compared to most of you..
but the main reason why you probably think i 'think too much' is becoz most of you dont bother to think so much in the first place. in our society today, most people think too little. they may think that they think a lot, but probably in the very unsignificant trails of thoughts. they think too little in aspects like human relationships, understanding the other parties, the logic and reasoning behind the actions of people but instead pple tend to criticise&get angry at decisions made without first thinking much about it... etc etc etc.
there is though, some people who also think a lot, though very very few... i know a few of them though, but that's even fewer that the very very few. for these people who also like to comment that i think too much... analysing it, it's probably, i wont say definite, that it's because though you may think a lot, but it's very in the mind, very logical, very scientific. yes, even if you're an arts student. why do i say that. most people, from my observation and knowledge they think with their mind (duh!) but do not engage them much with the heart, with the spirit, with the inner being... yes, you may use psychology, you may use philosophy, but you're likely to have just being analysing with the mind, and even if you engage with the heart, it's highly likely you're just engaging with the emotions that helped heightened what your mind confirms. i dont know how to put these in words. i'm a person who feels and sense and seldom logicalised with the mind itself, thus some things which i understand cant be put in words.
but with the set of thinking a lot but in quite varying aspects of it, it's no wonder you cant understand and comprehend where the trail of my thoughts come from and thus this foreign aspect of thinking, you're uncomfortable with it. becoz your mind cant comprehend it, and in your sub-conscious mind you know that you think a lot, but this is out of the box, so your mind (i'm not saying the conscious you... go figure the definition of 'conscious' i'm referring here) labels it as thinking too much simply becoz your 'analytic' mind cant make it out. sometimes, we just have to admit that our analytic-ness are different from others but nonetheless that aint a reason to look down at it.
so am i thinking too much? sometimes, yes. but not always. there MUST be something that sparks off all these thinking. But the question you may wanna ask yourself is that... is it becoz you yourself think too little about what should be important issues, being numbed out by what the world has to offer, by its influence, whether through media, technology, the mundanity of the education system/work, etc. it's like what my class have been reading in our recent GP articles... so 0836 pple, refer and infer.
unless you can comprehend where i am coming from, unless you can truly recognise for yourself what is the importance of these thoughts to me, and how it's a part of me, unless you can understand these thoughts, then can you truly comment whether i think too much or not. but the prob is that... that's too hard for you. so far 3 or so people can do it, and they're adults with much wisdom, and genuine care as well, maybe to a certain extent understanding me back then better than i do myself. but peers, prove me wrong. prove me wrong that my aspect of thinking is much mature than yours, but prove me wrong only if you really can... dont try too hard otherwise. one day, you may get there, eventually... dont let the things of the world distract you and numb you (and i'm NOT talking about this in the spiritual sense).
DISCLAIMER: this is seriouly not to the shoot the person who said this first statement down but i'm just tapping on what you said to express how i've been feeling deep down about this issue. i know this post will probably hurt someone, or maybe quite a few people, but at this moment, i'm beginning to really not care.
maybe i'm not thinking too much... maybe it's because you are thinking too little. What is a brain when you dont use it to think?
maybe i'm not thinking too much... maybe i seem like to you is because i think differently from you, i think more in an aspect foreign and thus uncomfortable to you, and you dont know what to make up of it becoz you dont think in that aspect and thus you label it as thinking too much.
this is not an uncommon statement made to me. and i understand where they're coming from. sometimes i think i think too much too. i rmb NWK said to me before, "you're smart. but you're too smart such that you link up different things together, and thus create the mess you're in." (well, something like tat.. the meaning is there, at least.) and yes, it's true (though i dont agree with the smart part)... but that's how i think. i link things up. this is my strength and yet my weakness.
strength is that i think in a more wider perspective than others, considering the different alternatives, and thus most of the time, i can understand others better and can help people understand the other's perspective better. it's just simply pulling a few of the factors together, linking the different floating things, that consitutes of the different memory thingys i rmb learning in lower sec when they thought us about mind-mapping, in the brain.
weakness is becoz every action/response you make is noted in my head and is also linked to give the final analysis. no, i'm not asking you to act in front of me. but i'm saying that your direct words and actions dont always fool me. yes, some may be genuine, but i can sense when there's displeasure behind your eyes. dont ask me how i do that. your choices speaks of you, but not many noticed that.
so... yes, perhaps i 'think too much', compared to most of you..
but the main reason why you probably think i 'think too much' is becoz most of you dont bother to think so much in the first place. in our society today, most people think too little. they may think that they think a lot, but probably in the very unsignificant trails of thoughts. they think too little in aspects like human relationships, understanding the other parties, the logic and reasoning behind the actions of people but instead pple tend to criticise&get angry at decisions made without first thinking much about it... etc etc etc.
there is though, some people who also think a lot, though very very few... i know a few of them though, but that's even fewer that the very very few. for these people who also like to comment that i think too much... analysing it, it's probably, i wont say definite, that it's because though you may think a lot, but it's very in the mind, very logical, very scientific. yes, even if you're an arts student. why do i say that. most people, from my observation and knowledge they think with their mind (duh!) but do not engage them much with the heart, with the spirit, with the inner being... yes, you may use psychology, you may use philosophy, but you're likely to have just being analysing with the mind, and even if you engage with the heart, it's highly likely you're just engaging with the emotions that helped heightened what your mind confirms. i dont know how to put these in words. i'm a person who feels and sense and seldom logicalised with the mind itself, thus some things which i understand cant be put in words.
but with the set of thinking a lot but in quite varying aspects of it, it's no wonder you cant understand and comprehend where the trail of my thoughts come from and thus this foreign aspect of thinking, you're uncomfortable with it. becoz your mind cant comprehend it, and in your sub-conscious mind you know that you think a lot, but this is out of the box, so your mind (i'm not saying the conscious you... go figure the definition of 'conscious' i'm referring here) labels it as thinking too much simply becoz your 'analytic' mind cant make it out. sometimes, we just have to admit that our analytic-ness are different from others but nonetheless that aint a reason to look down at it.
so am i thinking too much? sometimes, yes. but not always. there MUST be something that sparks off all these thinking. But the question you may wanna ask yourself is that... is it becoz you yourself think too little about what should be important issues, being numbed out by what the world has to offer, by its influence, whether through media, technology, the mundanity of the education system/work, etc. it's like what my class have been reading in our recent GP articles... so 0836 pple, refer and infer.
unless you can comprehend where i am coming from, unless you can truly recognise for yourself what is the importance of these thoughts to me, and how it's a part of me, unless you can understand these thoughts, then can you truly comment whether i think too much or not. but the prob is that... that's too hard for you. so far 3 or so people can do it, and they're adults with much wisdom, and genuine care as well, maybe to a certain extent understanding me back then better than i do myself. but peers, prove me wrong. prove me wrong that my aspect of thinking is much mature than yours, but prove me wrong only if you really can... dont try too hard otherwise. one day, you may get there, eventually... dont let the things of the world distract you and numb you (and i'm NOT talking about this in the spiritual sense).
DISCLAIMER: this is seriouly not to the shoot the person who said this first statement down but i'm just tapping on what you said to express how i've been feeling deep down about this issue. i know this post will probably hurt someone, or maybe quite a few people, but at this moment, i'm beginning to really not care.
"You're not always right, you know."
That doesnt mean I'm always wrong. Who are you (anyone) to judge me? You dont even know a tinkling of what i'm going through. You do not even know how people have been treating me. You do not even know what I sense about people's actions, beyond the words and actions you may see. You do not know, becoz many of you do not observe things the way i do. Many of you just take in words and actions, but somehow i sense beneath a person's words and actions. I don't take a particular case to build up my impression of a person. I analyse the person's constant words, tone, actions that shows a person's character, attitude, and mindset behind stuffs. It's not something i consciously do; it's not an intention of mine... it's something i naturally and instinctively do... my senses reaching out and immediately doing an analysis for me, constantly updating it. It's something i cannot stop nor do i see a reason to stop. So if you're saying hypocrisy, i can think of a thousand more examples i see in real life, and even from you, YOU, whoever you may be who's reading this and i know you personally.
I know i'm not always right, but my senses and analysis seldom proved me wrong. I used to doubt it, but not anymore. Yes, sometimes i tend to exaggerate things, i am aware of that. But beneath it lies a lot of truth. It's not just fantasy. To you, it may be making a big fuss of something small. But for me to exaggerate anything, it's NOT something small to me. of course, i can be something small to you, becoz...
1. it does not affect you. It's MY problem, not yours.. why would it affect you to be anything significant?
2. becoz you dont care. majority of our society really care about very few things. yes, friendship/relationships and stuffs do get to them once in a while, but they move on after a while, being numb and desensitised
3. you live for yourself, you really care little about the world around you... like i say you're getting numb and desensitised.
who are you to judge whether i'm right or wrong unless you have more or less full information regarding that subject? but do you really care? (i'm not saying you dont care, but do you really care?) no. you judge, you critic. but you don't bother to find out more before coming to a conclusion. Like most people in our society nowadays, many of you, i'm not saying all, dont bother to try to understand, trying to get more information to do a good analysis, before giving your judgement, before giving your comments. I've tried, i've 'surveyed' (not of intention but of desperation to share) and out of the more than 20 people, currently i only have 1 (my dear smurf) who'll listen, and listen to the fullest, slightly probing here and there before trying to give me some perspective, and being honest in saying she has little to advice instead of like some others trying too much to advice, when sometimes all i need is a listening ear and a little assurance, that's all. It's that simple, but few can do that. i have another 4 more, adults, who listen well and understands before speaking. yes, these 4 may speak more, offer more guidance and really give good advice, but they do it not to show off that they have more wisdom, but they fully grasp the situation before speaking. i know, becoz when they speak my situation they identify things which i myself have not realised and put in words what's so real deep down. But these 4 are not consistent. They're seasonal and there's nothing i can do about it. 1 more peer who's good at listening and empathising, but i dont dare disturb chloe too much knowing "how busy you must, so i'm sorry for wasting your time" (it's an inside-dramaNight statement), esp being a councillor, and being in RJC preparing for A levels as well.
There's nothing wrong with expressing your view... i like that. i encourage that. i like people to tell me what they think so as not to let my mind wander and accuse you for wanting to say/comment something about me, which my senses clearly tells me, but you darent/dont wanna say. I'm just using this as a phrase to lash out.
"You're not always right" doesn't mean I'm usually wrong, just because i think and process things very differently from most of you, and thus you cannot see, understand, analyse where i'm coming from, which is not your fault.
DISCLAIMER: this is seriouly not to the shoot the person who said this first statement down but i'm just tapping on what you said to express how i've been feeling deep down about this issue. i know this post will probably hurt someone, or maybe quite a few people, but at this moment, i'm beginning to really not care.
I know i'm not always right, but my senses and analysis seldom proved me wrong. I used to doubt it, but not anymore. Yes, sometimes i tend to exaggerate things, i am aware of that. But beneath it lies a lot of truth. It's not just fantasy. To you, it may be making a big fuss of something small. But for me to exaggerate anything, it's NOT something small to me. of course, i can be something small to you, becoz...
1. it does not affect you. It's MY problem, not yours.. why would it affect you to be anything significant?
2. becoz you dont care. majority of our society really care about very few things. yes, friendship/relationships and stuffs do get to them once in a while, but they move on after a while, being numb and desensitised
3. you live for yourself, you really care little about the world around you... like i say you're getting numb and desensitised.
who are you to judge whether i'm right or wrong unless you have more or less full information regarding that subject? but do you really care? (i'm not saying you dont care, but do you really care?) no. you judge, you critic. but you don't bother to find out more before coming to a conclusion. Like most people in our society nowadays, many of you, i'm not saying all, dont bother to try to understand, trying to get more information to do a good analysis, before giving your judgement, before giving your comments. I've tried, i've 'surveyed' (not of intention but of desperation to share) and out of the more than 20 people, currently i only have 1 (my dear smurf) who'll listen, and listen to the fullest, slightly probing here and there before trying to give me some perspective, and being honest in saying she has little to advice instead of like some others trying too much to advice, when sometimes all i need is a listening ear and a little assurance, that's all. It's that simple, but few can do that. i have another 4 more, adults, who listen well and understands before speaking. yes, these 4 may speak more, offer more guidance and really give good advice, but they do it not to show off that they have more wisdom, but they fully grasp the situation before speaking. i know, becoz when they speak my situation they identify things which i myself have not realised and put in words what's so real deep down. But these 4 are not consistent. They're seasonal and there's nothing i can do about it. 1 more peer who's good at listening and empathising, but i dont dare disturb chloe too much knowing "how busy you must, so i'm sorry for wasting your time" (it's an inside-dramaNight statement), esp being a councillor, and being in RJC preparing for A levels as well.
There's nothing wrong with expressing your view... i like that. i encourage that. i like people to tell me what they think so as not to let my mind wander and accuse you for wanting to say/comment something about me, which my senses clearly tells me, but you darent/dont wanna say. I'm just using this as a phrase to lash out.
"You're not always right" doesn't mean I'm usually wrong, just because i think and process things very differently from most of you, and thus you cannot see, understand, analyse where i'm coming from, which is not your fault.
DISCLAIMER: this is seriouly not to the shoot the person who said this first statement down but i'm just tapping on what you said to express how i've been feeling deep down about this issue. i know this post will probably hurt someone, or maybe quite a few people, but at this moment, i'm beginning to really not care.
To bear fruit, i must be pruned
“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit... ... I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. "
John 15:1-2, 5
OUCH! Lord, I know you're pruning me at this moment. I just can't see what you want me to do just yet.
Becoz like i told someone just last week or 2 weeks ago. A recent revelation. Whenever we seem to pick ourselves up, another situation comes in our way threatening to make us fall, challenging us. Why? Well, God is gracious, He loves us and wants us to grow. Trials come to help us grow, or in biblical context, to prune us. He wont give us all trials at the same time becoz He knows we cant handle, but He allows only what we can handle, no matter how difficult it may seem. So every time we recover, He'll prune us again, so that we can grow stronger in our faith and in our relationship with God. Once we recover and He knows we're ready for the next pruning, it'll come. Actually, that's good becoz that'll be the only thing to keep us from mundanity and stagnation. haha. XD
it's kinda like a game i guess. God seems to know how we humans like to move from level to level, can get addicted just winning victory over victory and moving up the levels of games. I guess life is a bit like a computer game. We play our lives out. We're the players, and we're the characters at the same time. We fight, we plan, we decide what to do. Every trial God brings across our path is like a new level. We fight, and eventually when we win, we move on to the next level to fight a greater opponent/trial. But with each increase in 'level', we're more equipped. Our 'strength, weapons, ammunition, health', etc, and whatever not you can think of in games, increases every victory of 'levels'. and with every increase in 'level' brings us closer to God as the battles shaped us in our character.
John 15:1-2, 5
OUCH! Lord, I know you're pruning me at this moment. I just can't see what you want me to do just yet.
Becoz like i told someone just last week or 2 weeks ago. A recent revelation. Whenever we seem to pick ourselves up, another situation comes in our way threatening to make us fall, challenging us. Why? Well, God is gracious, He loves us and wants us to grow. Trials come to help us grow, or in biblical context, to prune us. He wont give us all trials at the same time becoz He knows we cant handle, but He allows only what we can handle, no matter how difficult it may seem. So every time we recover, He'll prune us again, so that we can grow stronger in our faith and in our relationship with God. Once we recover and He knows we're ready for the next pruning, it'll come. Actually, that's good becoz that'll be the only thing to keep us from mundanity and stagnation. haha. XD
it's kinda like a game i guess. God seems to know how we humans like to move from level to level, can get addicted just winning victory over victory and moving up the levels of games. I guess life is a bit like a computer game. We play our lives out. We're the players, and we're the characters at the same time. We fight, we plan, we decide what to do. Every trial God brings across our path is like a new level. We fight, and eventually when we win, we move on to the next level to fight a greater opponent/trial. But with each increase in 'level', we're more equipped. Our 'strength, weapons, ammunition, health', etc, and whatever not you can think of in games, increases every victory of 'levels'. and with every increase in 'level' brings us closer to God as the battles shaped us in our character.
to go or not to go... decisions... a dilemna!!!!
What?
A script writing workshop, which is on a weekend, whole day, either sat or sun. I'm really interested to give it a go, and finally pluck out courage to try for it.
Problem?
-Friend who wanna sign up only free on sunday
-Friend wont go if i dont go
-Sunday have church and i really really dun wanna skip it, really really
-Saturday have cca camp of which i'm game ic, and also cca ex co, which means i'm kinda tied down by responsibility
-Sat's cca activities i believe can be managed without me there that day
Choices?
1. Go for the workshop on sat
2. Go for the workshop on sun
3. Forget about the whole darn workshop.. it's never meant to be
Implications?
1. abandon fren & feel guilty for making her miss the chance; abandon J2s in cca running the camp; get to go for church; get to try a hand at script writing
2. miss church; miss cell; miss church friends; miss the day of the week i most look forward to, a place i'm more comfortable in and can be more myself; will be there at cca camp; get to try a hand at script writing; get to go with my friend
3. living in highly possible regret, always wondering what is script writing, and always wondering but never knowing if EC was right about me script writing; get to NOT miss anything on sat or sun; still abandon my friend
Decision?
Option 2. Too bad for cell.. mom says, let them be, and see how things go. i gotta learn to step back and let things/them take over sometimes. cant always be the one who's doing everything.
A script writing workshop, which is on a weekend, whole day, either sat or sun. I'm really interested to give it a go, and finally pluck out courage to try for it.
Problem?
-Friend who wanna sign up only free on sunday
-Friend wont go if i dont go
-Sunday have church and i really really dun wanna skip it, really really
-Saturday have cca camp of which i'm game ic, and also cca ex co, which means i'm kinda tied down by responsibility
-Sat's cca activities i believe can be managed without me there that day
Choices?
1. Go for the workshop on sat
2. Go for the workshop on sun
3. Forget about the whole darn workshop.. it's never meant to be
Implications?
1. abandon fren & feel guilty for making her miss the chance; abandon J2s in cca running the camp; get to go for church; get to try a hand at script writing
2. miss church; miss cell; miss church friends; miss the day of the week i most look forward to, a place i'm more comfortable in and can be more myself; will be there at cca camp; get to try a hand at script writing; get to go with my friend
3. living in highly possible regret, always wondering what is script writing, and always wondering but never knowing if EC was right about me script writing; get to NOT miss anything on sat or sun; still abandon my friend
Decision?
Option 2. Too bad for cell.. mom says, let them be, and see how things go. i gotta learn to step back and let things/them take over sometimes. cant always be the one who's doing everything.
FAITHFULNESS, COMMITMENT, PERSEVERANCE, DETERMINATION!!!
My 4 Core Values in Life, of which i've just chosen in Dec2008.What about them, you may ask? They are 4 key words to help survive the year in God! of course, you need the 'God-factor' in. Without God, what is life? [taken from my own life experience last year]
I've even put them at my bed to remind me constantly of these 4 values!! to make sure I wont forget them, just as I told my SURGE! group - Flash - tat i would do. =)These 4 values may seem the same, like commitment and faithfulness, perseverance and determination, and indeed they are simliar, but given it deep consideration, you'll realise that they have their unique meaning, and are different in their value.
Analysing these 4 words from Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary 7th edition:
Faithfulness:
staying with or supporting a particular person, organisation or belief; loyal
Commitment:
the willingness to work hard and give your energy and time to a job or an activity
Perseverance:
the quality of continuing to try or achieve a particular aim despite difficulties
Determination:
the quality that makes you continue trying to do something even when this is difficult
hmmm.. wow. well, to me, these words hold a similiar but slightly different meaning than these picked out from the dictionary.
to me...
Faithfulness is the unyielding spirit that remains constant despite circumstances, that keeps to the promises and commitments made.
so 'coincidental', which i would say is the leading of the Holy Spirit, there was this sermon preached on 11Jan09 - Faithfulness.
Here, sis Gwen defined being Faithful as...
...to remain loyal, dutiful, responsible
...long term, despite of every difficulty or whatever we may be going through
then she went on to talk about being faithful in serving [attitude of pleasing God], of which many do not have this problem, and being faithful in Loving [attitude of pursuing God], of which many of us may lack despite us faithfully serving.
The word faithfulness hit me when just before camp, aN. was telling me about the meaning of faithfulness of which he came across in another fren's blog. Faithfulness means being faithful to God no matter what you're going through. Whether through the desert, even in times when God seems far away, we remain faithful. When aN. told me that tat day, which i think was at Changi Airport, it shook me. Faithfulness. I dint realised tat i have fallen off so much tat i lacked faithfulness. I wasnt faithful to God though He was faithful. Unknown to aN. i pondered over these thoughts for a long time, even days after it was spoken, it kept coming back to me.
yup yup. so this year, in the new year of 2009, i am committed to be faithful to God, in LOVING Him and serving Him. that no matter what comes my way, i will not turn away, i will not give up, I will not abandon God again. and just from my last sentence, you can see that to remain faithful, faithfulness is closely link to the other 3 values - Commitment, Perseverance, Determination.
Commitment is the willingness to give one's best in what one have agreed to do or have been assigned to do.
Yup. I think this round, the dictionary's description of commitment is very agreeable - being willing to work hard and give energy and time to what one has to do. This means in regardless of whether you have voluntarily agreed to do something, or it's your duty to do something (though you may be resistent to tat idea), you will give your best to bring it to completion, 'investing' your time and energy into it, being determined to persevere to the end. Something i used to be quite good at in secondary school, before i sortta fall out with God last year.
From a sermon by Bro Kah Fei, not long ago, in last dec SURGE! camp, commitment is defined as...
...a promise
...meant to be fulfilled
Not only that, but commitment requires us to...
1. Endure - thru the mundane, through the challenges
2. End well - persevering thru the end, and emerging victorious
This sermon was one that strike me deep. Commitment means I'm to endure through mundanity, even through life's challenges, which was something I failed terribly last year.
so in this new year of 2009, i will be commited to what God has called me to do, and the other responsibilities of mine (such as studies), and i will have commitment, persevering through mundanity, having the determination to endure and overcome all obstacles/challenges, being faithful to my commitments made.
Perseverance is the quality of refusing to give up, regardless of difficulties, but continuing to strive to the end, finishing what oneself had started on.
Determination is the willpower not to give in, whilst perseverance is the action. Perseverance prompts a person to keep trying and trying despite failures. Perseverance refuses to admit lose to difficulties no matter how gigantic they may be. Perseverance refuses to acknowledge how great the difficulties can be, but rather focus more intently on overcoming these difficulties as these difficulties get greater.
yupz! so 2009 is the start, the re-establishing of this quality of perseverance in my life. This means that i'm determined and committed this year onwards to persevere in every thing i do; when difficulties come rolling my way threatening to crush me, I will focus more on the 'NOT IMPOSSIBLE' than 'difficult' in the saying "It may be difficult, but it is not impossible!"; i will not give up but i will keep trying again and again, being committed to find a way to overcome the difficulties.
Determination is the strong willpower that has set in one's heart, mind and spirit not to give in to any obstacles and hindrances that will come one's way as one takes up a task.
sounds similiar to perseverance, but it's different. Determination is kinda what one have before one start on something, and ensures one takes up steps (such as being determined to persevere) during the process of completing the task to ensure one does not fail. While perseverance is actually what one gains/display during the process of completing the task to ensure that the task is successfully finished.
Determination is like making an agreement with oneself not to give in to anything tat may come one's way, setting one's heart, mind and spirit to the goal/finishing line, and going full speed into the course towards the finish. Determination is immediately detecting any obstacles and taking steps to ensure it will not hinder oneself reaching the finish line. Determination is to keep reminding oneself that "I can do it!". Determination is to bounce off any hindering works.
Sooo... 2009, a brand-new year for me, will bring along a determined rachel who will keep persisting in perseverance, never giving in to negativities, never giving up on the tasks called to complete, being committed to be faithful, and not going to lose out to the devil, tapping on God's strength, guidance and wisdom.
However, these 4 values are not so useful in life to overcome all obstacles, if you have no power source to tap from. For so much energy needed for these 4 values, one needs fuel, special superb, extraordinarily strong and powerful fuel - God's fuel. For He can grant us a determined spirit, and strength to persevere. He can remind and convict us of our commitments and the need to commit to the cause. And he himself is a live example and perfect role-model of faithfulness, always being faithful in His love towards us, regardless of how we may be treating Him. Don't struggle with trying to make these 4values part of your life by yourself, but let Him disciple you in letting these values slowly become part of you, become Him in you.
well, you've heard about these 4 values already. Question to any readers who are reading this is, what then are you gonna do about your own life? I've made these 4 words part of my life now, to remind myself how i can live my life in God, to reach my end goals, beginning right now with the end in mind.
Will you be faithful in loving God? Will you be faithful in seeking God, in your relationship with God? Will you be faithful and committed to what God has called you to do? Will you have that commitment to endure through mundanity and challenges, to end well? Will you be willing to persevere in your walk with God, even through dry times, determined not to let God go out of your life, determined to 'wrestle' with God like Jacob did till God has blessed you?
What will you do?
This is the Truth
Hey! Watch this video... though it's a little slow, but it wont take long... and it's rather intersting, how when you read things backwards at time, it has a totally opposite meaning.
Guess this is the truth. The truth of the power of words. I have heard of songs where, singing it backwards, it has a totally opposite meaning. That sounds scary. For you may be singing a song, thinking that its meaning is so simple and 'innocent' but you may be actually singing a song which is crappy, satanic, stupid, weird, etc. The real meaning of a song, you may never be sure.
I got a real surprise when i watched this clip. I think it's cool!!
How the world perceive life, and how God sees us, which is completely opposite, yet using the same words. It's how we want to look at life and this world i guess. =)
Take your pick and choose.
Guess this is the truth. The truth of the power of words. I have heard of songs where, singing it backwards, it has a totally opposite meaning. That sounds scary. For you may be singing a song, thinking that its meaning is so simple and 'innocent' but you may be actually singing a song which is crappy, satanic, stupid, weird, etc. The real meaning of a song, you may never be sure.
I got a real surprise when i watched this clip. I think it's cool!!
How the world perceive life, and how God sees us, which is completely opposite, yet using the same words. It's how we want to look at life and this world i guess. =)
Take your pick and choose.
One worries of misunderstanding
"The world is so 'sensitive' that whatever one does, one worries of misunderstanding."
This is something that has been on my mind since friday. It's not something new, but it's sort of like a reminder. Lots of things have going on. spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. i want to do something about it, but i'm also weighed down by myself & my problems (which is so little as compared to what others are facing in their lives now).
back to the thot.
Our society nowadays (referring to Singapore, though it's also probably happening in various countries' societies), well, tends to judge people a lot. we tend to judge pple, put a name to them, and thus act a certain way towards them, even before really knowing that person. i have seen so many of such cases, more so this year.i myself may be guilty of that crime too, though i very so want to believe not.
i think i dun really judge people. but, as part of human nature, i have impressions of people. may be good or bad. (well, i cant prevent that, right? it's something that happens mentally in your subconscious mind, and it's not something you can control. but you can still control your reaction/response to the impressions you have.) first impressions for me usually really last long, becoz i tend to be able to evaluate people from their looks, to the short encounter i have with them on the first 'meeting'. and usually i'm quite accurate in my evaluation. it's like this 6th sense that i have.
anyway, i sidetracked. where was i?
oh ya. people tend to judge each other so easily nowadays. we are so suspicious of the other's motives, that we doubt and silently question everything the person says or does. we wonder whether there are any hidden motives and thus, sometimes we are so conscious of this fact, that it's so hard to be real. Whatever i say, whatever i do, i'll consider how the person might think.
Being nice can also bring misunderstanding. The recent inccident of a fren of mine, as well as the knowledge of this 'truth', reminded me that sometimes people may think you are TOO NICE. okay, maybe i understand the reason why. sometimes people are overally nice so that people will like them, so that they will have more friends, so they can give a good impression, etc. But do we really have to judge everyone so strictly, be suspicious of everyone? yes, indeed the society now, the world now is so scary, that you can never really trust anyone fully, anything can happen.
There are stories of father raping daughter, someone killing the good friend (Filipino maid incident), drinks being spiked by friends, etc. It's not surprising that society nowadays just cant be trusted, even your best friend, for anything can happen. But what kind of society will we really have if there is no trust at all? If we are so wary of people that hinders our actions, and we dont trust each other... well, i just cant imagine what it will be like, except that we will never feel safe and secure.
I say that yes, it's good to be aware of this fact that the world is dangerous, and we should be on our guard. But let this not affect our actions, let this not affect our friendships unneccessarily.
geez. now i dun even know what am i talking about. i may even be contradicting myself. oh well. i just wish that time can rewind back to the times where people can trust each other, when the young us could accept friendships without keep thinking whether there are any ulterior motives. Where our actions and words are not so judged.
sigh... even now, i am starting to question myself. at times i worry that people might misunderstand me and my intentions. all i want is to be a friend. for i've been through hard times myself, where being a introvert at heart, being a conservative person, been a person who struggles to share with people, i just keep all my problems to myself and 'die within myself'... but no one knows.
thus i know how hard, how difficult it is struggling alone. wanting people's help yet not willing to really seek and ask for help. maybe it's egoism on my part. i dunno. but i thank God. i thank God that He still sent people along my path to help me, people to encourage me, people to help me wake up to my senses. So i really wish to help my friends around me. The world is in need of real love (not the world's false definition/understanding of love) and encouragement. But we tend to be so selfward looking, so self-conscious that we fail to see the needs of others, that we fail to encourage others.
All i wish to be is a friend, who is there for people. A friend who encourages people. A friend who is there to help people through the difficult times in their lives. A friend to share your joy, as well as your sorrow. A friend who will be your listening ear when you want to. A friend whom you may confide in, whom you may share with.
do i have other motives? can it be that my reason of being such a friend is so simple? so innocent? so naive? i feel that there are people who doubt me. it breaks my heart. no point defending myself. well, i'll just be who i am, or who i think i am. though it's hard at times when i'm worried of misunderstanding. can i still stand for what i believe in, though the pressures of the world makes me wanna just isolate myself? But how can i when people are in need of friends? my heart just dun allow me to. why does misunderstanding exist? :)
This is something that has been on my mind since friday. It's not something new, but it's sort of like a reminder. Lots of things have going on. spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. i want to do something about it, but i'm also weighed down by myself & my problems (which is so little as compared to what others are facing in their lives now).
back to the thot.
Our society nowadays (referring to Singapore, though it's also probably happening in various countries' societies), well, tends to judge people a lot. we tend to judge pple, put a name to them, and thus act a certain way towards them, even before really knowing that person. i have seen so many of such cases, more so this year.i myself may be guilty of that crime too, though i very so want to believe not.
i think i dun really judge people. but, as part of human nature, i have impressions of people. may be good or bad. (well, i cant prevent that, right? it's something that happens mentally in your subconscious mind, and it's not something you can control. but you can still control your reaction/response to the impressions you have.) first impressions for me usually really last long, becoz i tend to be able to evaluate people from their looks, to the short encounter i have with them on the first 'meeting'. and usually i'm quite accurate in my evaluation. it's like this 6th sense that i have.
anyway, i sidetracked. where was i?
oh ya. people tend to judge each other so easily nowadays. we are so suspicious of the other's motives, that we doubt and silently question everything the person says or does. we wonder whether there are any hidden motives and thus, sometimes we are so conscious of this fact, that it's so hard to be real. Whatever i say, whatever i do, i'll consider how the person might think.
Being nice can also bring misunderstanding. The recent inccident of a fren of mine, as well as the knowledge of this 'truth', reminded me that sometimes people may think you are TOO NICE. okay, maybe i understand the reason why. sometimes people are overally nice so that people will like them, so that they will have more friends, so they can give a good impression, etc. But do we really have to judge everyone so strictly, be suspicious of everyone? yes, indeed the society now, the world now is so scary, that you can never really trust anyone fully, anything can happen.
There are stories of father raping daughter, someone killing the good friend (Filipino maid incident), drinks being spiked by friends, etc. It's not surprising that society nowadays just cant be trusted, even your best friend, for anything can happen. But what kind of society will we really have if there is no trust at all? If we are so wary of people that hinders our actions, and we dont trust each other... well, i just cant imagine what it will be like, except that we will never feel safe and secure.
I say that yes, it's good to be aware of this fact that the world is dangerous, and we should be on our guard. But let this not affect our actions, let this not affect our friendships unneccessarily.
geez. now i dun even know what am i talking about. i may even be contradicting myself. oh well. i just wish that time can rewind back to the times where people can trust each other, when the young us could accept friendships without keep thinking whether there are any ulterior motives. Where our actions and words are not so judged.
sigh... even now, i am starting to question myself. at times i worry that people might misunderstand me and my intentions. all i want is to be a friend. for i've been through hard times myself, where being a introvert at heart, being a conservative person, been a person who struggles to share with people, i just keep all my problems to myself and 'die within myself'... but no one knows.
thus i know how hard, how difficult it is struggling alone. wanting people's help yet not willing to really seek and ask for help. maybe it's egoism on my part. i dunno. but i thank God. i thank God that He still sent people along my path to help me, people to encourage me, people to help me wake up to my senses. So i really wish to help my friends around me. The world is in need of real love (not the world's false definition/understanding of love) and encouragement. But we tend to be so selfward looking, so self-conscious that we fail to see the needs of others, that we fail to encourage others.
All i wish to be is a friend, who is there for people. A friend who encourages people. A friend who is there to help people through the difficult times in their lives. A friend to share your joy, as well as your sorrow. A friend who will be your listening ear when you want to. A friend whom you may confide in, whom you may share with.
do i have other motives? can it be that my reason of being such a friend is so simple? so innocent? so naive? i feel that there are people who doubt me. it breaks my heart. no point defending myself. well, i'll just be who i am, or who i think i am. though it's hard at times when i'm worried of misunderstanding. can i still stand for what i believe in, though the pressures of the world makes me wanna just isolate myself? But how can i when people are in need of friends? my heart just dun allow me to. why does misunderstanding exist? :)
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