Why do I need to worry about a triad? Seriously, if I think carefully about it, there isn't any longer a triad for the longest of time. It died out quite a while ago. It just didn't sink in for me.
We used to be a triad, for a period of time. However, the disadvantage of a triad, as studied during my Sociology 101 module, is that among the three, there'll be one person who'll feel more left out. And well, since in our triad, the two of them were the best of buddies whose water is thicker than blood long before any of them know of my existence, naturally i'll be the solo one here, the one with the least similarities and shortest friendship history, who'll feel left out. Not surprising, and not anyone's fault.
To be precise, it looks more like the two of them, the pair, "adopted" me in, and then we became a triad. I admit honestly, that there were a number of times when I question the friendship we have.
(If you're reading this, I want you to know it's not your fault, but I do think a lot and sometimes too skeptically/critically upon friendships due to the deep scars I have inflicted on myself in the past that have caused me to lose much confidence and esteem in myself).
There were times, I was telling Jos the other day much to her surprise, when I dwelled on the possibility and perhaps temporally believed that the friendship you two offered me was one more of charity.
Let me explain why:
Firstly, you two are tight. There was no need for me. I just happen to come along the way and 'barge' in. *shrugs* And here I am, the loner as usual. Although I have close groups of friends, but I'm usually walking life alone and wandering/floating btw groups of people. And I guess you 'adopted' me in, in your beautiful niceness, you extended your friendship to this person who gives a lot but is always looking for a very close circle to cling on to and gain support from.
So maybe, just maybe, you decided to be charitable and extend the strong support you two cld give, especially since we initially seem to share a lot of commonalities - serving in specialized ministries where our impact group was the younger generations, being away from most of our peers, not taking the conventional route of our peers, having a heart of love for a particular family of friends in church, keeping a strict righteous life as much as we can and encouraging our fellow bros/sis-in-Christ to do likewise, loving the same group of pple and wanting to bless their lives, etc.
That started off well, but as times go by, and your two lives start being more similar once again, and I open myself more to the group of fellow leaders I'm serving alongside with, we distant. The few times I am with you, there will be pockets of time where I feel left out as you talk about things that happen/pple you have in common, of which I couldn't be a part of, although you do try to make me feel included by explaining some of the things that happen. But I rather you didn't.
Sidenote:
Same as I was telling my sister the other day, I do not want to hear the stories of what happen to the NTU sat dinner/dinner with other campus pple, etc, which she never fails to tell me week after week. Already feeling kinda left out/isolate/secluded from my peers, I don't need reminders of how life might be like should I have chosen the other road. I do no longer want to be tempted again to desire the other path when I know this is the path God wants me to grow in and bless others. Although I love this path, I am tempted at times to desire the others and to desire for the comfort, security, and closeness with my peers. So I don't want my sister to indirectly put temptation across my path.Nor do I want you tempting me to think of moving into your ministry, for I too have considered that route before.
coming back to the point of charity...
Thirdly, usually (as far as I can rmb at the moment, which may be biased and I apologise for my narrow-mindedness as I am currently at this period) I am the one approaching you two to share my life and go to you two when I have a problem. Yes, you share your lives with me too, but rather, I seem to recall that it is usually not an initiative from you, but rather as a response to my sharing or when I talked to you, asked you, or catch something from your speech and probe deeper.
I know you'll probably say that I've blessed your life as much as you've blessed mine. Perhaps so. But another way to look at it is, well, we're equal. You gave me charity, and I repaid your kindness to me. Perhaps it's my warp expectational mindset. For if the friendship is equal, like the two of you have, I guess the initiation to share lives and to share events that happen, and to share probs, and to ask for help/prayer would be well, on both sides, relatively equally. But rather, to illustrate it, it looks like it's me coming to you for charity, you giving, and you sharing smth so that I can repay the kindness by giving back to your lives.
Sounds like I've been thinking too much right? :P
But the truth is, many think too little. And isn't this a highly possible situation to occur in the world?
It can happen if one thing... there ARE very very VERY NICE people in this world. And I believe that the two of you are; You two are two of the nicest people in the world, with two of the biggest hearts ever.
Which means that this speculation is highly possible. >.<
Dear the two of you,
if you ever come across it, though I doubt so, I want to say a very very BIG THANK YOU to you two. Thank you for being such great close friends whom I can trust, confide in, gain support from, and at times simply hang out together or study together. :) Thanks for being such great encouragers to my life and really being there when I needed people. Thanks for being there in my downs, and even to fulfil my destressing wishes at times, for example when I'm simply looking for people to watch a movie to destress after exams. Thanks for the many sacrifices of your time and sharing of snacks with me as we study together. Thanks for being my studying companions many a times.
In those stressful, transiting months through my ministry as well as Uni, thanks for being there. You two really helped see me through that one year especially in this one year when we were a triad. Thank you, from the very deep down bottom of my heart, for your friendship. Thank you for your love. Thank you for everything that you have done, of which words of thanks is insufficient to bring out the deep gratitude I have for you two.
I'm sorry if what I said above about our friendship is wrong and you're hurt by it. I know you're sincere, and I truly never once doubt it. Do understand that being me, being Rachel, I do look at times beneath even people's consciousness, and perhaps this may be what is happening. I've really been blessed by you two, but I think it's time I let go and let things be the way it was, and I guess, the way it should be. A pair rather than a triad, as already it seems for a while to be moving towards. (I just didn't admit it sooner I guess)
I love my grads a lot. And I love you two a lot too, my dear brothers and friends. Continue to stand strong and be the great support towards each other; continue to be the best bossom buddies ever lived in this century; continue to be the modern David and Jonathan whose covenantal friendship is coveted by many. Be open, share your lives with one another, and continue to support each other in the years ahead. I shall leave you two as it is, and I shall take a step back. Don't be surprise if suddenly it seems that I'm quiet, withdrawn and don't seem to care about you two. You two are special friends in my life whom I'll always care and love, like my grads alike.
However, it's time I step back and let you two lead your lives without me as I continue to wander in search of friends to bless, and to search for a very very close inner circle of whom I can finally settle peacefully down with. Don't worry, the search has been for years, what difference will it make if I add more years to it? I've survived, and will continue to survive, crying often to the Lord for help. May the two of your friendship stand the test of time and trials and may it continue to strengthen with time and may it NEVER EVER be threatened by anything.
Take care you two dear friends of mine,
and goodbye.
I'll still be around and I'll still be approachable, but I shall take a step back and stop bugging you I guess. But anytime you need me, you just need to call, and I'll be there. You two mean a lot to me, seriously.
No comments:
Post a Comment